Groom's parents checked out venue without us

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Yikes. That's a loaded one for sure! Big Italian weddings sound stressful to me. I really hope you and your FH find a way to get on the same page with them. I'm sure it will work out somehow!

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much♥️

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Wow.... This is a big question. First, I am so sorry for your husband and his family's loss a beloved brother and son. Honestly? I cannot even imagine the pain of losing a child. We have friends who have endured this unthinkable tragedy, and I'm not sure how people live from day-to-day after losing a child. Is it possible this makes them all the more invested in their remaining son, your FH, and his life and experiences? Yes, of course, I think that is a very strong possibility. God love you for being patient and understanding of their sometimes, potentially, overreaching behaviors. You are a wonderful FDIL, especially for grieving parents. If you're willing to let them be involved, and understand this is potentially a bittersweet time for them, I think that is an incredibly kind and thoughtful thing to do. That doesn't mean they get to "direct" your wedding and the choices you and FH make, but it is sweet of you to involve them and let them know their desires/concerns are important to you. I'm not sure how that translates to his mom's obsession with a "Viennese table," but if you're willing to talk with her and negotiate choices that make you both happy, I'd nominate you for a "daughter-in-law of the year" award. I say that as a woman who has been blessed for nearly 33 years by an incredibly sweet MIL. Are we VERY different people? YES! Do we see the world differently? OH, GOD, YES!!!! Did she raise my beloved husband, his six surviving siblings (she had 7 live births and a miscarriage and a stillbirth in TEN YEARS!!!!!), on a shoestring? Yes, yes, yes! My MIL will always be SAINT in the eyes of anyone who knows her, including me, and we will cut her a ton of slack on pretty much anything. The excessive desserts of a Viennese table are, honestly, not a "hill to die on," if they make her happy. Good luck to you! You seem like a very kind and compassionate person, and that is a very worthwhile thing to be in a crazy world. I hope you and FH have the amazing wedding you deserve.

I personally would be annoyed. I would have a talk with your future spouse and with your future in-laws about boundaries.

FH and I booked our venue last March and showed his father (his mother was working, or else she would have come, too) yesterday at an open house they were hosting. He used to work for a banquet company in Chicago years ago and made little comments that we didn't appreciate. FH and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves so, I hate to say that other people (including our parents), don't have a say in what happens. I personally feel that if parents are paying for or at least contributing, they should have some say. But, that is something you and your future spouse should discuss. The wedding is the couples, and no one else. FH and I agree that we are planning for the wedding and they are not welcome to our meetings with our vendors.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much. This comment meant the world to me. Thank you for sharing your story with me and for your kind words. I am trying to be patient, because I dont know what it's like to go through what his family went through. I will definitely keep you posted. I think it hurt when they did it because I viewed vendors as thing I go to with my fiancee. Granted, I havent had much experience with weddings outside of attending them; I guess I felt them doing that without telling us bothered me. But I tried to frame it as them only having one son and this being a day that they unfortunately get only once rather than twice. I am definitely going to refer to this comment for a fresh outlook. Thank you so much for sharing it with me and the advice, it is genuinely appreciated. ♥️💝

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If I had a son, I'd be thrilled to have him marry a woman with your kind heart, patience, and compassion.... I wish you only the very best!

View Quoted Comment Thank you♥️

Receiving money from people for a wedding can bring about issues like this. Suddenly, the person giving you money is apparently 1st in command when it comes to making decisions.

First of all, speak with your partner. You must be on the same page in all things, and you must back each other up. Second, stick to what you want, and don't let them control your wedding. The venue visit may have been innocuous on it's own, but the fact that they seem to be planning without you isn't okay.

View Quoted Comment Yes we spoke to them. I did voice that to them. I agreed. Going forward we decided to just inform parents once all decisions were made. As you said, money can definitely make people feel that way. Thank you for your input♥️

Dont be upset that they checked out the venue. People are allowed to go wherever they choose -- however, it seems they feel entitled since they are giving you money. If you're accepting the money, is it so tough to let them pay for the Viennese hour? It's their dime - let them have something. It pains no one. Stick to your guns about the date - and other details.

I see that more as them being curious/trying to be helpful.

If you don't like the location, don't get married there. And if you don't want the other extras, tell them that. That's your call, not theirs.

Sounds like all four of you need to sit down and hash out some boundaries!! Your fiance needs to come right out and ask: "Is this a gift or are there strings?" Get this out NOW or it will be a long and hard road until November.

Nope nope nope. That is crossing many lines in my eyes. That is something the couple does together unless it has been discussed and decided that the parents have permission to check out said venues. The fact that they had asked about later wedding dates is not okay either. My fiance and I were very particular about setting the date. Its not just another day, the date means something to us. Also by his mom saying she will give you extra money if you do something she wants is also so not okay. That is what I like to call bribing so she gets her way and it is not her wedding its is yours. Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself, this is you and your fiances day bottom line. Have it on the day that you want, don't have a viennese hour if you don't want one. You aren't a bridezilla for standing up for what you want for your wedding. I don't know if you were the same but as a little girl I always had dreams of what my wedding would be like and I for sure wouldn't let his mother or even my own mother stand in the way of what I wanted (obviously in realistic terms) There is nothing wrong with a friday wedding and i'm sorry if she just has to have a viennese hour then she should have done it for her own wedding.

O would definitely think of it as overstepping to go to venues for you, that should be a decision made by you and your fiance. Plus, it's kind of fun to go to all the places and get ideas on what you want to do. My dad was a bit pushy about us going to see this place he had recently gone to for an engagement party which I was not happy about, but since he was giving us money for the we pretended to put it in the running as a possible venue (wasn't our style) just to make him happy, and then went with something more our style. In terms of the viennese hour I'd probably do it if its gonna help financially is more desserts no one will complain about that and you can work with the caterers to fit your style, the Saturday thing its your day you choose the date don't let them decide that because that day will be your anniversary forever its for you and your FH to decide you don't want to be thinking every year this is my anni bc my IL's picked it.