Groom's parents checked out venue without us

Also, FYI, didnt tell us they were looking at the venue. They did it on their own. It's also over 30 min or so in traffic from the church.

I’m sorry you’re upset My parents went and looked at venues without me knowing and I saw it more as them helping, but that’s just me! My mom and I have similar tastes and she knows my vision so well so she was able to veto venues and the venue we picked is one she had looked at and recommended to me. I also live out of state though so this was sooo helpful to me because it meant I didn’t need to waste time on venues that I would end up hating because I could only spend like 2 days looking at venues. In my opinion, it’s not something worth fighting over, but if you really feel like this then maybe just ask that they involve you next time or at least tell you in advance so you can do some research yourself.

If the idea was for them to scope out venues, narrow down to the best ones for you guys to view later - I wouldn’t see any problem with that. The problem would be if they were trying to book venues without you, but that doesn’t sound like the case? What bother you about them looking at venues without you?

View Quoted Comment I guess its moreso that they had offered to give money for the wedding, which was kind, but now they went to look at a venue. I feel it's not their place to do that. We wanted wedding on Friday, but his mother said she wants on Saturday. I dont want Viennese hour, she said she needs to have that. I feel that they are trying to exert control inadvertently under the guise of giving money. It just feels weird🤕

I feel the bride and groom share the day. Its so kind when families offer money, and I appreciate it, but it feels like theres strings attached.

I see it as a problem. I think more "help" will be given in the future - with all your vendors. This would really bother me.

View Quoted Comment That's my point. I feel it's not warranted or needed. Exactly

Refuse their money and their "help." They are stepping way, way over the line here, and you need to stop it now or you'll live the rest of their lives with it.

I think it comes down to if you have inlaws that are pushy or not. If you have a good relationship with them then I think they did it out of love ( to negotiate prices - like when you take a parent to buy a car - so the dealership doesn't try to screw you). If it were my inlaws or parents I personally would find it sweet - IF its a venue you are wanting. You two will still get to go walk it and get all the good feels, they seem to be trying to take the stress out of it. I would say thank you for this and if they start reaching out for other things I might say something then.

I would be pretty mad if my in laws venue shopped without me, and likely would not use their recommended choice on principle lol. So yes this would bother me too, and yes I see it as exercising control/strings attached with the money. It can be hard, but I suggest sitting down and show appreciation for their financial help but be 100% firm about the vision for YOUR wedding. Good luck!!

View Quoted Comment We do have a good relationship. They said on the phone when I called them that they went to see how they could save us money because they didnt want us to go into debt planning a wedding and wanted to help. They said if we didnt go to look at it no big deal and that they understand it's our decision and just wanted us to keep our options open so we wouldnt waste too much money and have to pay off loans. They said they didnt mean anything by it and were just trying to help. I'm just confused because it hurt me. I know my fiancee had wanted to look at it for a while but we didnt becauee of the head count requirement. Now I feel like he wants to go just because they looked at it.

View Quoted Comment I'm at the point of not even going to see it based on principle and not choosing it as well. My fiancee had wanted to see it for awhile and we didn't because of head count. We had a venue our hearts were set on and want to match with church date. He wants to view it now and I'm wondering if it's because they went.

It sounds like they’re coming from a good place, but i would be pretty mad too. Maybe sit down and have a chat with them (with your FH of course) that you appreciate their help but don’t feel comfortable with them checking out venues/vendor without/your knowledge.
I’d theyre pushy think their way is always best type people, make sure you and FH are on the same page and just be firm.
I hope you get this straightened out!

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much! Yes we are on same page. They are the type that can be very pushy and I think that is where me and them butt heads. If they had told us they were going, that wouldve been annoying but at least sat better with me. I know my fiancee always speaks about the place. They claimed they were driving by and wanted to get us information to help but didnt care where we had it. They said their main intent was to help save money. It just didnt sit well because they offered money to help, and on heels of that, few days later, they're looking at a venue. But yes thank you so much ♥️

I agree it sounds like there are some red flags here, but at the same time it does seem like they were trying to be "helpful" and not necessarily "control" everything. If you haven't yet, I do think it is critical that you and FH are on the same page about what kind of "help" you want and are willing to accept, and then you need to communicate that, nicely, to anyone when they make their first offers. Personally, I'm of the "his family, he handles the conversation," "your family, you handle the conversation" mind-set, but each couple needs to figure that out for themselves.

When daughter and SIL got engaged, FOB and I talked and then gave them a total dollar amount we wanted to give them, but made it clear how they spent the money was their choice (e.g., traditional wedding, small wedding and major honeymoon, put toward their house downpayment, etc.) They chose the traditional wedding option. FOG did something similar, he offered to pay for the photographer -- of their choosing -- because that was super important to him (he's a semi-professional as a second career, and I think he just wanted to make sure they could afford someone he considered "good") and a smaller lump sum of cash. Between us, we "helped/were involved" in what they wanted us to be, but the decisions were always theirs. However, there are a LOT of stories on this forum about families who seem to assume their contributions mean they make the decisions and control the entire thing. You and FH want to be clear about what model you're involved in before you agree to accept any help. Good luck!

Normally I would say, sure they were out of line but anyone that is contributing to your wedding, has a say which is why so many couples now days pay for everything themselves. Venues are public places and free to tour for anyone. You don't have to use the venue they looked at. I would however really be upset if they tried to book anything without my knowledge. You should probably have a sit down with them and sit what their expectations are vs yours.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much for your input. I really value your comment. I feel their intentions are good, and I have always had good relationship. His parents did reiterate at end of conversation that whatever we decide its our decision as a couple . I am of the same mindset as well about us talking to our own respective parents. I appreciate their offer and it is so kind to offer money. Thank you again for your input, it gives me a different perspective.

To me, I see red flags. Not so much about the venue, but the offering of money and then saying your FMIL NEEDS a Viennese hour AND will give you extra to have it on a different day. At least the way you put it, it feels like bribery to me. My FH's parents offered to pay for flowers as long as they were reasonable. I've kept them up to date on anything flower related. But my parents aren't giving us anything (as far as we know) so they get no say. And even if they did give us money, I wouldn't want strings attached. I just don't want it to become a power struggle. I have an issue with feeling like other people are trying to live vicariously through me.

So, personally, my alarm bells go off reading your words. I'd say have a conversation to fully understand what they expect by giving you money. If they expect to have a say, then it's no longer a gift, it's a contract. A gift comes with no strings attached (in my mind). Good luck though. I really hope you and FH can align on the same page and be a team on this!!

View Quoted Comment I agree. I feel his mom wants some big italian wedding. I'm also trying to be understanding because they lost a child 4 years ago, his brother, in an accident. So I see that it's also their only chance to be at a wedding for a child. I'm trying to be accommodating. But I also feel uncomfortable with the requests.

View Quoted Comment Can I ask you something, as a parent, if you dont mind? My fiancee lost his brother in motorcycle accident four years ago. Do you think his parents are trying to be involved more because this is the only wedding they will have for a child? That is why I have been so understanding and reasonable, because I know hes all they have left. I want to be respectful because that's how i was raised .