Gift to Maid of honor that didn't pay

I think it's fine to withhold your gift to her as long as you make it clear how much money she needs to spend on your party in order to get a gift. You could say something like, "I need to you pay $x more for the shower and then I will give you your thank you gift. If you can't or won't pay, I will return your gift." It's important to communicate clearly with friends.

View Quoted Comment

Yeah, you didn't have to do any of that. Cool if you decided to, but it was not necessary or required. Still doesn't change the fact that it's petty and ridiculous to not gift her a BM gift.

Weddings and wedding events are not supposed to be about money. You likely picked your MOH because she is someone near and dear to you; you most certainly didn't pick her because she was wealthy and supposed to shoulder the expense for your pre-wedding events. If you are expecting anyone to spend a ton of money on you because you are getting married then you are a selfish person.

She contributed what she could. Many brides don't even get a shower. No one is obligated to throw you a shower or contribute to your wedding in any way. Sure it's tradition that bridesmaids/family step up and help plan and pay for a shower, and that brides family pays for wedding and grooms family pays for rehearsal dinner, but its also tradition that women are handed over as property from their father to their husband, and brides traditionally have a dowry that goes along with them. Did she offer to throw you a big event and then defray the costs onto someone else, or did you or your family pressure her into doing a shower for you even though she couldn't afford to?

Whether or not you give a gift is up to you, but if you are basing it off of how much she spent on you then you sound like a very shallow person. Send a thank you card at the very least; give a gift if you feel you want to. If you feel like overcommitted and then conned other people into paying for your shower and tried to take credit, then maybe a conversation with her about it is warranted.

I paid for the whole shower myself thats why its problem she asked for money. She is practically pocketing the money they gave her. She left the groceries list up to me to buy and everything. Doesn't seem right to me.

When 1 or more people, usually more, offer to do a shower, that person plans what she can afford, or the group does. And there is no more to owe anybody. The bride and groom and anyone not hostessing completely stays out of it. Maybe all your MOH could afford to serve was coffee, and brownies with ice cream , for fifteen people, and plates and cups. And invitations she made. And nothing more is needed for a shower. Games only take imagination. in You say you know she didn't have all the money --- for what? For all the things you wanted? " So we paid for the main catering, all decorations, the gifts for prizes, the wine, the whole candy bar." You bought yourself a party in order to get more than anyone was volunteering to give you! You took over hosting the party, for yourselves. Which means you should have paid every penny that your MOH did not have to begin with. You spent the money on you and your guests. There would have been no very fancy shower if she only spent what she could afford. You have a real nerve, taking on hosting all that stuff she never purchased, and expecting her, or anyone, to pay you back. You went on a spending spree to have a party in your own honor, you became post. You pay. Not everyone gets a shower. But if someone has only $50-$100, and offers, and NONE of your friends or relatives want to help host it ( do the money in and pat a share), then you as bride either accept to have the shower she can afford, or decline the gift. You as bride never should have pushed the MOH to spend 1 cent beyond what she could afford. What you owe her is an apology for spending more than she could afford, on yourselves. And an explanation to your inlaws that you wanted more than you knew MOH could afford, and pushed her to spend it on you. So they would know you hosted the party the way you wanted it, and you not they, should pay whatever is left. Basic manners : you do not throw parties in your own honor. And when someone offers to throw one, you never request more than their original plans.

View Quoted Comment No she offered. We actually said no showers ot Bachelorette party because it wasn't a big wedding. She said she wanted to do it but as we went along everything fell on me to buy. She paid for none of the decor. One 99 cent table cloth.

View Quoted Comment Not really following that I hosted my own party? I had no choice. She asked for numbers to send the invites and I gave them to her. So was I supposed to go back and tell everyone its canceled? It was after the invites went out that she gave me the list of things to buy. Whats one to do when the party is already planned and people are coming?

I think we all understand that you're upset about the way your shower was planed. I think your MOH bit off more than she could chew and then tried to figure out the best way to execute a special day for you. She may not have gone about it the right way, but do you really think she had melicious intentions? You could have said no when she started asking you to buy things, so you're not totally blameless here either, and your family should have said no without throwing a fit.


All this being said, typically the wedding gifts are given as a thank you for their participation in the wedding itself, completely separate from all pre-wedding events. So yes, you should absolutely still give her a gift. I know this isn't the answer you are looking for, as it seems like you are very set in punishing her for the way she chose to plan your shower. So unless you are willing to completely cut her from your wedding party and essentially end your friendship, I would give her the gift and just let all of this go.

View Quoted Comment

I agree that she shouldn't have gone behind your back and asked them for money. However, it isn't her fault your future in-laws aren't contributing towards the wedding. If they would've preferred to put money towards the wedding rather than the shower they could've told her no. She didn't force them to give her the money. You also keep mentioning that she asked you to buy things and once again you could've said no. So rather than blaming her 100% for everything I think you should consider that you and your future in-laws are also to blame because you were within your rights to say no whenever she asked you guys to do anything. Also is she the only person in your bridal party? If not, bridesmaids usually also help with planning and paying for the bridal shower. For my bridal shower, my sister who was my MOH didn't plan or pay for my shower. She didn't have the money so my mom and SIL co-hosted and my MIL and bridesmaids pitched in on food and games. Either way I don't think you should be punishing her because she asked for money and they said yes and gave her the money.

View Quoted Comment

LOLOLOLOLOL

View Quoted Comment Call and cancel.

View Quoted Comment That sound awful. That is bad when people already purchased gifts and sent them. I think its best to just pay for it. Alot of women here said their family's don't pay or MOH and had to do it themselves.

View Quoted Comment

Gotcha!

I would be pretty frustrated if someone offered to do something (that I didn't request) and then left me/others with all the work. I likely wouldn't give a gift in that case. It seems she either felt obligated to do it for social reasons (not due to pressure from you) or just wanted the credit for throwing an event she had very little do with.

If you want to keep things civil, send a thank you not and no gift. If this has caused you to reconsider the friendship or her role in your wedding, then maybe a frank conversation needs to happen. It kinda feels like you and your family were taken advantage of, but without knowing the whole story and background of your relationship with your MOH and social dynamics at play its too difficult to judge. I know I would be questioning my relationship with someone who basically went against what I asked for and then left me with all the work and the bill.

View Quoted Comment Wait, what?! Telling someone you're withholding a gift until they pay is messed up.

View Quoted Comment

I'm 99% sure they were joking

OP, if you want to continue being friends with her, I suggest you have a conversation about costs and what she can afford and can't. Make it clear you don't have the budget for a shower on top of a wedding and that the shower doesn't have to happen (although I guess at this point it does).


As for your in laws, I am unsure exactly what they are contributing to or not, but I am of the opinion that it's proper for the parents of the bride and groom to contribute to the wedding and to the shower/help plan the shower that is held for "their side". If your child is getting married, it's in poor taste to expect them (their friends) to shoulder the full cost of a wedding (shower) when you've had a lifetime to save for such events and your child (their friends) may be early in life still. I'm aware that's a controversial opinion but I said what I said.

I don't think you should completely withhold a gift. Why did you choose your MOH? Is she a special person in your life who you wanted to share your day with? Do you think she did this maliciously or have you taken a step back and thought that maybe she just couldn't afford it all after starting? There's a lot of things going on in this world with people right now. People losing jobs, for example. We won't ever know the entire situation because we won't ever hear her side, but I think this situation merits a serious sit down discussion with her and what happened and why what happened happened to get some clarity on the situation. When I was the MOH for my best friend's wedding, I was making just above minimum wage and I paid a lot for her to have a special day for her shower. None of her family or other bridesmaids offered to help, so I straight out said I'm sorry, I can't afford a bachelorette because nobody helped me with the bridal shower and she went to those girls and told them that it wasn't fair I paid for everything and wouldn't be doing the same for a bachelorette. Do you have other members in your bridal party? Did they not offer to help? That can be a HUGE thing if you had other people who didn't offer anything up and could be a big burden on her. But bottom line...you need to talk to her about what happened. Find out why she did what she did. If you think she's being shady, I'd probably reconsider having her as the MOH completely. If she's not, then really evaluate if you really want to possibly hurt someone's feelings by leaving them out of getting a gift.

View Quoted Comment This is terrible advice. No one listen to this lol.

View Quoted Comment

It absolutely is terrible advice. But at the same time, if people started out being completely honest with their friends about what they are expecting, we'd probably have a lot fewer "bad bridesmaid" posts here (because more bridesmaids would refuse the "honor" from the outset!).

Iʻm really sorry this bridal shower spiraled out of control like this, landing on your shoulders and the in-laws inappropriately being asked to help pay. I would be pretty bitter about her biting off more than she could chew if you did not want this to begin with, and putting you in this position unnecessarily, but if you want to remain friends, keep the gifts as they were. "Thank you for being my Maid of Honor and for the all the work you put in for the shower" (even if you disagree with how much she did or did not do). If this is the hill you want to die on in the long run or if this is just the straw that broke the camelʻs back in this friendship, then a simple thank you card and leave it at that.