Anna
Beginner October 2020

Gift to Maid of honor that didn't pay

Anna, on May 18, 2021 at 9:03 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 43
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I am wondering do I pull the plug on the MOH gift? She had offered to do the shower for us. However we knew she could afford all. So we paid for the main catering, all decorations, the gifts for prizes, the wine, the whole candy bar. What she did: made print outs , sent virtual invitations via text, purchased silverware, some odds and ends. So all that was left was food shopping like condiments, water , fruit. Maybe 100 dollars in food left. Behind my back she ask in laws family for money to help pay. Pretty much she didn't pay for anything now. Says its tradition for them to pay.

43 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, on May 21, 2021 at 4:31 AM
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    The gift is a thank you for standing by your side and supporting you on your wedding day. It shouldn't be based on whether she spent home on you.
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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    I agree with Veronica. Your gift to her should not be based on her spending money on you. I would definitely still give her the same MOH gift that you originally planned on.

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  • Anna
    Beginner October 2020
    Anna ·
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    Yeah but to go behind the bride and groom and ask for money is wrong. Now his family are not helping with the wedding because she asked for money. Thing is I told her of money was an issue we didn't need to do the shower. So this whole time is has push us to do more and more for the shower.
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  • L
    Lady ·
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    How she paid for it isn't really your business, honestly. Yes you need to give her a gift if you're giving your other BM's a gift.

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  • Anna
    Beginner October 2020
    Anna ·
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    I am pretty sure it is our business when she asked out family for help. Which she had no right to. Which caused a hudge up roar now with them.
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  • L
    Lady ·
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    They could have said no? And her asking had nothing to do with you, you shouldn't be involved in planning your own shower at all. Even if it was rude, that doesn't mean you should also be rude by stiffing her on a gift you're giving everyone else.

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  • Anna
    Beginner October 2020
    Anna ·
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    Yes If they knew that we paid 90 % they would have said no. Unfortunately, my MOH has made me be a part of all the planning. I agree with you I should have nothing to do with the planning. She told me too get all decorations and candy bar equipment and candy. It was a list of supplies I had to get. Had to make the decorations.
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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    His family could have told her no, that they weren't willing to contribute financially to the shower. She probably shouldn't have offered to a host a shower that she couldn't afford, but that wouldn't be reason to not give her a gift for standing by your side on your wedding day. Your MOH is supposed to be your closest friend. Is this someone you still want to be friends with even after the wedding? If so, I don't recommend punishing her by removing her gift. Maybe let her know to please not ask your family or his family for money for the events - that if she needs financial assistance for anything wedding related, to come to you first. Otherwise, I would try to leave this incident in the past and move forward.
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  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
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    Do you only get birthday or holiday gifts for people who buy you something?

    Gift-giving is supposed to be a gesture from your heart. It should not be dependent on your friend's ability to do something for you. It also shouldn't be rescinded as some form of revenge for some perceived slight.

    His family choosing not to help with the wedding because they gave her assistance is something you should take up with them. They had the option to decline and tell her "sorry, we're helping with the wedding so we can't help with the shower." That is all on them.

    Also, how are you simultaneously saying "we" (you) paid for the catering, etc. but then saying she asked his family for money?

    Don't ask for opinions if you've already decided that you're doing something and then argue with anyone whose response contradicts you.

    "Pulling the plug" on the MOH's gift because you aren't happy with how she is performing her duties makes you a bad friend. That isn't what gift-giving is about. If you weren't planning on giving any gifts at all, that would be one thing, but taking her gift away/not giving her one as punishment for how she handled your shower is tacky, rude, and mean-spirited.

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  • AJ
    Super October 2022
    AJ ·
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    If she is causing so many problems, you could ask her not to be apart of your party anymore but that would end the friendship. I agree with everyone else, you still need to give her a gift as a thank you for standing by your side. - Maybe she didn't realize what she did was wrong?

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  • Natalie
    Devoted January 2022
    Natalie ·
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    Sorry but this seems pretty messed up! So she asked family if the couple for help paying for the shower (not that strange - mother in laws etc are often involved, mine wants plan my shower). Family responds by getting super mad and saying they now won’t help at all with the wedding?? And you’re upset with the MOH instead of his family? Why did they blow up like that? Is there more to this story we’re not hearing? It seems like they must have never actually wanted to help with the wedding if something as small as being asked to help with the shower (they could have just said no) causes them to pull all support.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    If it was such a huge deal, why didn’t your in-laws just say no? The fact that they’re causing drama over being asked to participate in hosting your shower, which is common in a lot of circles, tells me that something else is going on here. Why does them contributing to the shower automatically mean they won’t contribute to the wedding?
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  • A
    Super December 2020
    Anais ·
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    I am assuming you mean the thank you gift that you’d also give to all others in your wedding party.
    It would be very rude to give a gift to everyone else but not her. What would you say if she asked why she didn’t get one? “Oh sorry you’re not worth being thanked because you asked someone else for $100”?
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  • Anna
    Beginner October 2020
    Anna ·
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    Yeah we don't think she shoud have offered because I have not had time to even focus on the wedding. The shower is all decorated and the wedding has nothing because she had me spent all this money and time on the shower.
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  • Anna
    Beginner October 2020
    Anna ·
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    She claims she asked for the money to help and its tradition that they help. I am not sure about that with the shower. I would say more so the wedding.
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  • Janet
    Dedicated October 2018
    Janet ·
    • Flag

    If these are thank you gifts for hosting a shower and she helped in some way which was "made print outs , sent virtual invitations via text, purchased silverware, some odds and ends", you need to thank her just the same as the others. She still helped host and she still helped plan. Just because you feel she didn't do enough or pay enough does not equal she doesn't deserve a thank you gift.

    You are solely basing this on amount of money spent, and how she went about getting it. Your FH's parents could have said no. They are not required to help pay for your wedding, this was their contribution, giving money so you can have a shower. If you are so worried that they will not help fund your wedding, pay them back the $100.

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  • Anna
    Beginner October 2020
    Anna ·
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    Yes I am saying we( bride and groom) paid for eveything. Than she asks for money. So my fear is now 2 days before the shower we are going shopping. Is she going to say she can't pay for the groceries? That's what that money should have went to since we paid for everything.
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  • AJ
    Super October 2022
    AJ ·
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    Yeah its "tradition" for parents to help with the wedding, but honestly not required today - we aren't getting any financial help from our families.

    Usually the bridesmaids host the wedding shower, and that means all the expenses that come with it. If she couldn't afford it she should not have thrown it, or should have thrown one that she could afford - she should not have asked the family for money. The family could have politely declined and did not need to make a big deal out of it.

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  • Apryl
    Devoted March 2022
    Apryl ·
    • Flag
    I think you've already made up your mind that you aren't going to give her a gift out of spite.
    Just be prepared for whatever is left of the friendship to be over.
    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    She still did some of the work though in making it happen. so i feel like you could always still get her a modified gift - like not one as big as you had initially intended

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