Getting used to the big in-law family

Yes! I have the same problem, and my fiancé has a difficult time understanding because he's extroverted and so used to his family. We've been together for 10 years, and it hasn't really gotten easier. I just know what to expect, especially when it comes to things taking longer or just being chaotic in general. I try to mentally prepare myself as much as possible and stick closest to the family members that I relate to the most.

This was an issue during the engagement time, for my first marriage. In reverse. My then FI was an only child, son of two only children. I have the big and close family. Not a chaotic one. A pretty organized one, in fact. But his parents and two sets of grandparents acted like every dinner or activity involving more than 6 people, was something that needed a month of preparation, details thought out and planned like a State Department event. Inflexible. Preoccupied with what was the perfect thing to wear, how would they best get pictures to remember it ( a family Sunday dinner for no occasion?) and no spontaneity. And big control issues. They could not have an afternoon tea on the lawn in summer without cross examining " the planner". Their monumental interference in FI and My wedding planning, lack of trust that people in my family would " act as promised" ( like produce a promised meal, or birthday party, or after skiing refreshments, or just picking people up at the airport) made us nuts. Got so difficult we finally eloped, rid of his family. So I guess a lot is perception. Why they expected odd or u predictable behavior any time 16-30 people were together, I don't know. Dr's and nurses, lawyers and teachers, engineers and diplomats, we all function well at home and work and my younger sibs and cousins were and are quite civilized. But mention. A dinner party for 16 family, 3 outside couples, and them, and they acted like 30 wild animals would be released in the house. We all ( including their son) found their difficulty dealing with our large family strange 🤗. Maybe when you learn family members and sub- groups it will get easier. When people are known better, and their behavior is familiar enough to be predictable, it will likely get easier. You survived school. I wish you the best. My current husband's family is far bigger than mine. Not an issue.

I come from a big family so this isn’t a problem. I’m more confused by your “seeing them 2-3 times a month” comment.

It's something that you gradually get used to. My Fiancé and I have been dating for 6 years so we both got to gradually meet both sides of the family. So now during the holidays its not to bad. It was in the beginning, but you'll eventually get there.

I live with my in laws and they're starkly different from my own parents so that took me some getting used to aha.

I come from a small family, but my FH has a huge family! I have to say I love it though. I adore his family, and am very close with them! Everyone is different though. I can understand where you’re coming from. I think the longer you two are together the easier it’ll get!

Yes! My family is small and we all are pretty low key and introverted. My husband is an extrovert, along with his 3 sisters and his parents. When we all get together or when his family comes to stay with us it leaves me a bit drained lol. I’ve found we both needed to be really honest about how we’re feeling and point out the differences in our families. It took a while but now we have a better understanding of our boundaries. My advice would be to be straightforward with him and say when you’re feeling overwhelmed, why and saying no to going over sometimes. He could go over for a night without you while you have a little time to relax. It’s okay to need to recharge before going over when you’re used to a more quiet household!

Girl I feel you, tell your FH how you feel