Getting really stressed out over possible uninvited guests (update pg 2)

@Centerpiece THANKFULLY he doesn't have any invitations in hand, nor does he know we were planning to hand them over, so the conversation might go more smoothly because of that.

Thank you. You don't sound brutal or uncaring at all Quite the opposite.

I think I will show FH this thread too before we call them. So he can see that the general consensus is indeed that it is cray cray to hand over a stack of invites to someone. Especially when that someone should have no say in the wedding.

Oh and another reason why I would avoid giving the dad the invites to hand deliver or whatever. What happens when he keeps them in his truck/car for 6 weeks and gives them to everyone two weeks after the RSVP by date and you have less than 72 hours to get your final head count to the caterer. Just don't. Tell him if they will not give you addresses, get them yourselves or don't invite them.

Good point Beth. Thanks all. I will post an update once I talk to FH and (hopefully soon) his dad and his wife.

You can also tell them that you need the addresses because of the thank you cards. How do they expect you to get them to the people?

He's withholding addresses of potential "invites"? That's asinine! How would you even send Thank You's if the guests showed up & brought gifts? They are being totally out of control.

I agree with all above - Set boundaries. Set rules.

We had a rule with our guests list: We both had to personally know each guest. Most of our guest list are the kinds of friends/family whom we'd pickup at the airport at 4am if they needed a ride, or they'd take time off to help us move. Some are our parents friends, but we've at least shared a meal with them and they know us and we know them; The love and support for our marriage is there.

There will be no "mystery guests" at our wedding and perhaps you should implement a similar rule. Good luck!!!!!!

"Everybody moves"? Every couple of months? Are they lost in the desert? I think you have gotten great advice above. I just wanted to say I hope you can find the humor in the "everybody moves" excuse. Give FFIL a list of names and say "we need these addresses by [date], otherwise we will not be able to invite them." Good luck!

@minnemiska that's what I said!!! Like, what, everyone moves every 3 months? It's ridiculous. And if that's indeed the case (highly doubt it is) then just give us their goddamn phone numbers, and we'll call them the day before we mail them out saying "hey, will you be at your current address for the next two weeks?" Like...IT'S SILLY AND STUPID. I did have a laugh, partly because it was ridiculous and partly because I was so exasperated I couldn't believe they came up with such a stupid excuse.

FH gets home from work in an hour so I will talk to him then.

That's a pain It sounds like my SIL who told people it was ok to bring their kids after I sent out invitations addressed to couples only. MY SIL was a HUGE (insert swear word here) at my wedding. My mom made me invite her family to our wedding to keep the peace and they didn't even show up. My mom doesn't like to upset my SIL because she doesn't want to her to go around spreading gossip about her or the family for the most part she is treated like a princess in my family. Her family is horrible by the way. I told her off by subtling saying "the wedding was good we had an exceptional turnout everyone that said yes came except for your family." BOOM. Now they aren't throwing their daughter a birthday party because get this, they are exhausted from the wedding. Like seriously, they didn't contribute a dime, created problems, didn't help out, and were assholes to the bride and groom. Yah, she made some prejudice comments to my hubby.

So I feel your pain. I like Celia's advice. Call them over and lay it out. They aren't paying for it. You are trying to do what you can afford. Honestly, the best thing you can do is take a stand for yourself, the day will go by fast, and you should seriously have EVERYTHING You and FH WANT!!! Surround yourself with the people you care about. The people your FMIL invite probably will rsvp yes and not show up like my SIL family did and then you will get stuck with the bill.

You know you had a great wedding when afterwards you can say I miss my wedding/I wish we could go back to wedding, cuz that's how DH and I feel about ours.

Thanks for your help everyone.

FH and I talked it over. He wasn't surprised that I was uneasy though he thought he could maybe justify why it MIGHT be a good idea to hand over the invites. I stood firm and mentioned a lot of the points here, without being accussing/nagging because I know it's a sore spot for him. I think the turning point in the conversation was when he said "My whole life, my dad and I don't talk about the stuff that is bothering us. I never confront him." And my response was "Well, when it involves me, that's not okay. And let's be honest, it is our wedding but I have taken on the majority of the planning. And this doesn't just affect you and your dad, it affects me and my well-being, and my sanity for the next 7 months."

Finally after I said that, he saw my point and agreed. He decided to get as many addresses out of his uncle as he can. He messaged all his relatives that he could on facebook to get their info and we got 3 addresses already. I don't think we'll have a problem getting the others via his uncle. Next time he talks to his dad, he is telling him that we have decided that we are sending out the invites personally, no exceptions. And that any address we can't get through him or other family members will be excluded from the event. As well, if any wedding conversation comes up when I'm not around, FH plans to just shut it down and say "everything's planned, we're fine".

I told him he can make me the bad guy if he wants, because FH's dad and wife are not a part of our daily lives and I don't care if they don't like me. He said that no, we are a couple and it was a joint decision and that it makes the most sense.

Thanks for your help ladies. You gave me some good perspective and really articulated a lot of the reasons I was so uncomfortable with the idea, which helped a lot when talking to FH!

Great update!

My MIL wanted to invite 100 of her church friends. She said they wouldn't come. (3.5 hour drive away). Nope, nope, and nope! (Out venue only held 100, anyway).

I wouldn't have put it past her to post an invitation on the church bulletin board.