Getting really stressed out over possible uninvited guests (update pg 2)

Now I just keep worrying that they are going to invite more people without us knowing. Our invite list where it's at, we are almost near our venue capacity, and we could not accommodate more people (not budget wise either). FH and I are paying for most of the wedding ourselves (with help from my parents and his mom), so YES, we should be getting the say in our invite list, but that doesn’t exactly work if his dad and wife invite people without us knowing. The kind of relationship we have with them is very minimal, aka talking on the phone once a month, and seeing them in person once every 4-6 months. They have their own way of doing things…

Now myself, I am a shift worker, so the last few times they’ve visited I haven’t been around. And usually this is when they start pestering FH about something or other related to the wedding. He’s a very easygoing guy by nature and he knows how our wedding should go, but every time I come home after one of these visits there’s some issue that FH’s dad and wife have brought up. And although FH never agrees to it, I can see he feels strained, because for most of his life his relationship with his dad has been shaky at best. If I was there it wouldn’t be a problem because I am very direct, and they don’t like me anyway (haha) so I have no qualms about shutting them down.

So which brings us back to the invite list. We sent save the dates out several weeks ago, pretty much to everyone on our list except FH’s side of the family…because, well, we had no addresses. His dad is now asking us about hotel blocks, not for himself but for other people. We gave him the info, but ever since then I’m extremely worried that he is inviting people willy-nilly without telling us and that we will have a bunch of uninvited guests showing up at our wedding. We are only inviting FH’s aunts and uncles, no cousins, but I’m not sure if FH’s dad knows that.

I’m not even entirely sure what I’m looking for here. Advice? Reassurance? A visit to the psych ward? I know FH should be the one to talk to his dad about it, so how best to broach the subject? And at what point should I speak to them, if they don’t listen to FH? Or should FH shut down any wedding conversation with them, because it only seems to lead to trouble…I’m lost. Sigh.

Sorry you are dealing with this. I just went through the same thing with my SIL.

Your FH needs to set the boundaries with his dad and his stepmother. You cannot plan, budget or properly host an event where you have no clue who may be coming. I mean, how embarrassing will it be for their guests when they do not have a seat for dinner.

I would be equally stressed with this. Is there no way that your fiancé can contact the family members in question (email, facebook, phone call?) for addresses and get those invites out? I would not give his father the hard copies, wasn't there a bride where her mother in law photo copied the invite and sent those out as well?

And yes, your fiancé needs to step up on this one.

Stop bending. Set up a time to talk calmly with them, tell them that you have a strict guest list and whoever is not on it will not be hosted.

The invite thing is bullshit. You get addresses or they don't get invites. No one can plan a party this big and expensive with family members handing out random invites. It's not the way it works.

The first thing that popped into my head when you said he's not giving you their addresses, is that would they just replace the envelopes and hand out the invites to the people they wanted to invite (that you said no to), and just not give invitations to his wife's adult children?

ETA:

sorry you're going through this btw, I totally feel you on stressing over uninvited guests. Me and FH are going through extreme, some may say dramatic, measures to ensure people we don't want, don't show up.

Exactly! Our venue capacity is 150 and we have 144 on the invite list...I am cringing at the idea of even 5 people showing up with no seat, no place card, no meal...

I would tell them no address equals no invite. Then if you don't get an address, you cross them off the guest list. Easy peesy. DO NOT give them invitations with "strict RSVP" rules. Do not give them invitations to hand out/mail... period. I would also alert your venue to the potential of non-invited guests and see what can be done.

Wow, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I wouldn't give his dad the invites to deal with. Why is he withholding addresses? Kinda seems like a power play and I wouldn't trust him to only invite the people you want to invite. I'd tell them either they give you the addresses or their guests won't be invited or have your FH track down the addresses himself. If he can get one of his aunts or uncles on facebook or something they could probably give you the others.

Agree with @Celia. Don't give them invites. It's your wedding they don't get to decide who they go to. It can be a discussion but in the end it's your decision especially since you are paying.

Stop bending. This sounds like a lot of stress. It's a hard convo many of us on here have had to have in some form but you or FH or both need to explain to them it's your day, your money and you're happy to have them there along with a few of their closest friends but that you are paying for it and have a limit. It's no fun but eventually they'll get over it and at least suck it up for the wedding. If they are really going to continue to whine about the guest list on your wedding day, then make sure FH (or even FH's mom speak to his dad) and tell him to grow up

@Jeanne we could maybe get his uncle's address and his dad's wife's childrens addresses. The rest of them are not on facebook and we have no contact info - no addresses, phone numbers, or emails. And they refuse to give them out.

Celia, I agree, and that's what I told FH. I think I honestly got worn down because I was stressed for weeks, I kept telling FH to get the addresses, and each time he asked his dad they said no because "everyone moves" and "it's easier to give the invites to us". So finally FH suggested that we just give the invites to his parents. I have felt uneasy about it ever since I agreed to it.

FH doesn't like confrontation with his dad but he needs to put on his big boy pants - I really want him to give them that ultimatum (no addresses, no invitation) but I know how uncomfortable it makes him.

I know you are trying to be nice and give them invites, but if they are unwilling to provide the addresses you need to withhold the invitations. Chances are if you give it to them, they will give people unlimited rsvps. You need to send the invites yourself and if they don't give you the addresses they don't get the invites. Normally I would say it's ok let them do it so that you don't have problems, but going over your venues capacity is a real concern. I would not bring up the wedding anymore, and have FH handle the invitations scenario. Good luck!

@NowASeptMrs his dad is more reasonable than the wife. She is crazy. I have separate related issues to her.

I honestly don't know why they are refusing to give us addresses, but yes, I do think it could be a power play. That's how it feels, anyway.

Haha, you ladies just reaffirm what's been in my head the whole time. I never liked the idea of handing over the invitations, and the feeling I have now is probably why.

It's just a matter of getting FH to be direct with them about that. The next time he sees them in person is Dec 30 for Christmas dinner. I won't be there cause I'm working. But I don't know if that is the best place to bring it up. I think FH may need to phone his dad to tell him.

Don't have too much to add since everyone has already offered great insight and advice but I wanted to say I'm with Celia. I think if they don't get you the addresses, then their friends/family don't get invites. Also in agreement that your FH should speak with them and lay down the law about no extra guests. He can explain clearly that you're close to capacity and if they invite people without telling you guys, that those guests will not have a place to sit or food to eat.

No addresses- no invites for their guests. It's YOUR party- not theirs.

Its your wedding! if they want people invited they need to give you the addresses or you could go another route to get the addresses if you really wanted some of these people invited.

my mother in law verbally invited 5 guests, two they screwed up the list that they gave us and left a couple off, and the other three was DHs cousin and his wife and kid. they asked me about it and i said okay since i had the room but it still irked me, it didnt really effect anything though. not like your situation.

Definitely do not hand over the invites! As others have said, calmly explain to them no address = no invite. period. Have you both sat them down and really explained how the entire process of planning and pulling off a wedding works? Seriously...I've had to do it with my dad so many times over the last year, but he really just didn't get it. In his mind he thinks we just pay for a certain number and if more show up on the day of then we're charged for it that night, no problems....so it should be TOTALLY FINE that random neighbor down the street (who shouldn't have been invited in the first place, eye roll) wants to bring her parents (WTF??), and a multitude of other scenarios. I don't know how many times I've had to tell him that there will be set seating arrangements, a certain number of tables, food, etc. and we can't just accommodate an infinite number of surprise guests and just wait and see what happens. Maybe FH's parents sincerely just don't get it. Or maybe they are just jerks. Sorry, I hope you get it sorted out, but I'd make a point to do this with them sooner than later to save your sanity for the next 7 or 8 months.

@Summer that's a good point. Totally gonna stereotype here, but they are from small town Quebec. His cousin's weddings have been exactly like you mentioned (actually you have to pay to attend the wedding - 40$ to cover your plate...cringe, amirite?) So they might be thinking oh, what's another few guests? I think there needs to be some clarification.

They think because they planned a wedding recently that they have all the expertise. But their wedding was 12 people lol.

@Rosemary No, we just ordered our invites on Friday. They won't be going out until late March/early April. And we have not told his dad and wife how we plan to give the invites to his family members.

I like the idea of calling them on speaker because trying to meet up with them is very difficult, all 4 of us work full time and I'm a shift worker so it rarely works out, and they live outside of town.

This is a wedding that is being planned and paid for by you and your FH. That means all of the responsibility falls on you. You know what else falls on you? All of the benefits. If you're paying the bill, you're calling the shots (or you should be). Oh...you're wedding is not that far away -- It's seven months from now.

You need to take this whole thing back. Keep it in your hands. Agreeing to give your FFIL invitations to disburse because he won't give you the addresses of YOUR wedding guests is preposterous. No. No way. You have every right to handle each and every invitation yourself. I'd call him tonight and tell him that there was a miscommunication. He needs to know that if he doesn't hand those names and addresses to you, there isn't a chance that even one of them will be invited. Case closed.

I cannot stand this nonsense -- this "we are contributing nothing to this wedding but our demands, so here's our list of must haves -- on your dime." Let them know that you have someone to deal with the cake or cupcakes, and while you appreciate their input, it isn't mandatory that you use their cupcake vendor.

I don't think it was beyond the realm of reason to invite his wife's adult children, but that's about it. I see manipulation and control tactics going on here. This is your day. This is your expense. You could do a lot with the money you're spending on a wedding, so make sure that the wedding is exactly what you want. Then, tell you FFIL that your DH isn't really planning the wedding; he's certainly weighing in and you're agreeing on ideas, but you're handling the budgeting, the invitations and RSVPs, and the vendors. Then, prove it to his FFIL.

I don't mean to sound brutal or uncaring, but this stuff is weird. How dare he ask for invitations because he refuses to give you addresses...unbelievable.