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Just Said Yes November 2017

Getting married on the DL and having a ceremony later - Need advice

Briana, on November 9, 2016 at 1:26 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 2 46

My fiance and I are considering getting married on the downlow (at the courthouse) in the coming months, but our wedding date isn't for another year and a half. Since we would be legally married and have our marriage license far in advance of our planned wedding, would this cause any issue at the time of our ceremony? I'm worried that this may cause an issue since the officiant signs off on the marriage license at the time of the ceremony. Has anyone gone through this and have any advice?

Thanks!!

Briana

46 Comments

Latest activity by Mayci, on July 20, 2023 at 6:50 PM
  • Jeanmarie
    Super December 2017
    Jeanmarie ·
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    Hi Briana. Your courthouse ceremony would be your legitimate wedding date. What you are describing a year and a half later is a celebration of your marriage. You would be upfront with the person performing the ceremony that you are having a vow renewal. You would not have them sign off on a marriage license at this time because it would already have been signed on your initial wedding date. I know that this is a hot topic for some.

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  • Holly
    Super February 2017
    Holly ·
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    Ooooooooh another one of these!


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  • Erin Wood
    Master July 2017
    Erin Wood ·
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    Why keep it on the down low? I wouldn't keep it a secret from anyone. Maybe skip the exchanging of rings and keep it as simple as possible so that your wedding day is still special. People on WW will tell you that you won't have a wedding but a vowel renewal. Maybe you could call it exchanging of rings since you haven't done that part.

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  • Litia
    Dedicated December 2023
    Litia ·
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    Why is it a secret? Do what you want, my Hubby and I got married at the Courthouse and then had a celebration 8 months later because my dad said if he didn't give me away I wasn't married lol ( we already had 2 children ) I am now planning the wedding of my dreams for our 15 year anniversary vow renewal. I say just be honest

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  • EM
    Master April 2017
    EM ·
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    Why would you get married a year and a half before your wedding?

    You need to be upfront with your guests, and your officiant wouldn't "sign" anything because you wouldn't actually be getting married?

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  • B
    Just Said Yes November 2017
    Briana ·
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    Thank you all for your responses. I'm sorry if I seem naive. We are considering this option for personal reasons. We have some things to think about now, obviously. I appreciate the input and hope no one is judging me for this. :-\

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  • Lauralou
    Devoted November 2017
    Lauralou ·
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    I was thinking of doing the same thing. FH recently became self employed and by getting legally married now he would be able to have health insurance through my employer...

    I was thinking a secretive marriage would be best as well. Originally I was thinking a smaller thing with his mom and my parents but then his mom told me I would have to invite his aunts, and I figured at that point I'd have to invite his sisters and it's basically a wedding and less of an elopement. I'm nervous because I know if his mom finds out we got married and she wasn't there that she'd be crushed but if she comes and no one else does it'll cause a huge uproar. I would like the intimacy of it just being him and I at the court house but I fear the backlash should anyone find out prior that we were married secretly.

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  • carriemichelle
    VIP June 2016
    carriemichelle ·
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    Why not just move everything up to when you would actually get married? Why keep stuff secret?

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  • Lauralou
    Devoted November 2017
    Lauralou ·
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    I don't know about OPs reason but I recently had a baby and would like time to lose the baby weight so I can wear the dress of my dreams and plan a wedding celebration that will be meaningful to myself and my family (we have a baby and I have two daughters from my previous marriage.) I got married last time when I was 5 months pregnant and my mom planned most of it and I'd like this to be special, the way most women dream about getting married. I just want to make it legally official for health insurance and practical reasons and have a meaningful, spiritual ceremony later on that is inclusive of our families.

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  • Lauralou
    Devoted November 2017
    Lauralou ·
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    @ Sarah- I have looked into that and the bank I work for is ultra conservative and doesn't allow domestic partnership as a covered relationship.

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  • B
    Just Said Yes November 2017
    Briana ·
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    @carriemichelle, Unfortunately we are paying for our wedding ourselves, which is why our wedding is so far out. Otherwise we would get married tomorrow if we could afford to have the wedding we really wanted.

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  • BoozyBaker
    Master January 2017
    BoozyBaker ·
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    Almost EVERYONE is "paying for their wedding themselves". So that's not a valid point.

    Have a party whenever you want but don't ask for presents since you got married 18 months earlier.

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  • EM
    Master April 2017
    EM ·
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    I don't understand the logic.

    Get married at the courthouse, and be done with it. Or move everything up and get married for real at your actual wedding. Don't lie to your guests. They will find out and they will be upset.

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  • Katie B to S
    Super January 2017
    Katie B to S ·
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    Do not get married on the DL. Get married now if you want, but have a celebration of marriage later, it's not a wedding. And don't try to hide it. That's not fair to your guests

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  • Blair Waldorf
    Master October 2017
    Blair Waldorf ·
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    IMO hiding that you are married makes it look like you are ashamed of something

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  • MNA
    Master April 2018
    MNA ·
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    Yes, there is an issue. You're starting your marriage in a lie and could easily fracture your relationship with friends and family doing this. It also isn't a wedding, it will be a vow renewal. A wedding is the point in time that you get married.

    If I'm going to travel to someone's wedding and find out later that I was lied to about them already being married, guess who I won't be speaking to again? I'm also not spending over $1000 (the average a GUEST spends to attend a local wedding, double that or more for a DW!) to attend your vow renewal, and I'm sure not bringing a gift to a vow renewal.

    If you think nobody will ever know the difference, well, I hope nobody in your family uses Ancestry.com or does genealogy, because it will come up there within a few weeks of your *actual* wedding that you're married. So yes, people will know. It will also alert them that there's new information, they won't even have to go looking!

    People aren't stupid. Call a spade a spade and label it a vow renewal and tell people you're married, OR wait and actually have the wedding you've been planning.

    ETA: Just saw the paying for the wedding yourselves comment.

    Yeah. So is everyone else. It's called delayed gratification. You don't get to have everything without working for it. Wait like everyone else or be happy with CHOOSING to have a courthouse wedding. You don't get to have both and lie to everyone in the process. There are many, many, MANY of us who have put things far enough out to have the wedding we want to be able to afford it. We don't run to the courthouse and lie to everyone around us. Thinking you should be able to do this is a very entitled attitude and is a huge part of the issue with society today. Instant gratification is not always the way to go.

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  • RealLindseyO
    Master October 2017
    RealLindseyO ·
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    I just don't understand why it has to be a secret?

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  • Celia Milton
    Celia Milton ·
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    I honestly don't have the patience for this today.

    I marry people all the time who have been married before hand. You need to ask your actual officiant.

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  • carriemichelle
    VIP June 2016
    carriemichelle ·
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    Well @Briana, if you plan to get married in the coming months, like you said, then just move everything to there.

    Seriously, why be so secretive?

    And @MNA, you rock.

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  • Holly
    Super February 2017
    Holly ·
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    @MNA nailed it.

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