Getting married in Catholic Church?

So, we are getting married in a Catholic Church in 2 weeks. We also lived together for 2yrs. I am
Not catholic but my FH is. I suppose it may vary based on parish/priest but the manager of our reception venue recommended the church to us and the priest is SO laid back. He didn’t question it at all. He told us while he’d prefer couples who live together sleep in separate rooms, he understands the practical reasons for living together. The “investigation” literally involved us getting our certificates of baptism to him (and FH confirmation certificate).

We had to do pre-marital counseling and attend natural family planning, too.

How strict it is really depends on the city, and also on the priest. The investigation isn't a big deal at all, you just send in baptismal and confirmation records to the church where you will be married. As far as living together, it didn't come up in our conversation, but we probably would have said we didn't live together (at the time we didn't for most of the year-out of state school). Pre-marital counseling will have to be done in some way, either by way of a retreat or some kind of class. Different diocese have different things set up for you to make that requirement. If you are not a church-going person, some priests and/or diocese may require a timeframe of church attendance in addition to other requirements. I'll pass on what the priest said to us: they are very happy for you and want to help you be married. They are not trying to scrutinize or chastise, they just want to help you lay a foundation for your marriage that is faith-based. After all, people get married all the time who should probably think twice (he meant it as a joke).

In order to be married in a Catholic church, at least one of the parties needs to be Catholic and generally the Catholic party needs "permission" to marry a non-Catholic. Some churches require you to be a member of that specific church, and just about all of them will ask you to specify which parish you belong to if it isn't that one. There are several different pre-marital programs, some of which are a weekend, some are a day, some have you sponsored by a couple in the parish, etc. At least one of you needs to be a practicing Catholic...not sure if you are or not...but two unaffiliated, non-Catholic people cannot just get married in a Catholic church.

Now...everyone has a story about their coworker's sister's best friend who got married in a Catholic church even though she wasn't Catholic, or who had a Catholic ceremony outdoors, etc. Some parishes are less strict than others. Some dioceses are less strict than others. But these are the guidelines/rules put forth by the USCCB. Whatever you do, I would not lie to the priest.

My fiance and I were both raised Catholic but do not belong to a parish, are not 'practicing' Catholics. We did not want to jump through the hoops of a Catholic wedding, including having to get married in a church, having to be 'active' in a parish for so many months, etc, but we still wanted some of that tradition. We found 'progressive' Catholic options, for us it was the American National Catholic Church. I did not even know these existed or that there was a progressive Catholic movement.

When my mother got married a few years ago, they had a really hard time in our area finding a priest that would even marry them because they lived together and weren’t members of the church. I definitely don’t advise this, but they did lie to the officiant they ended up with because having a religious ceremony was really important to our Catholic family ans after getting six declines due to their situation they were feeling desperate. I think it really depends. Good luck!

I'm going through it right now!


So I will say that our priest doesn't accept candidates for pre-cana who are living together, it is just a complete non-starter at the Parish (his explanation: brings scandal on the Parish). There is also a mass attendance requirement because he says he doesn't want to have to process annulments for people who weren't serious about the Sacrament but just wanted to get married in a grand, historic church.
Our pre-cana is 6 one-hour sessions that include an explanation of Catholic marriage expectations. This is so the Priest can certify that we understand what we are committing to. He also asks us questions to ensure that we are ready to marry, including about our finances and future plans. He did ask us point blank if we plan to use contraception, but did not ask otherwise about our sex life.
Everyone has to make their own moral decisions at the end of the day, but I would feel disrespectful lying to a Priest. The Church is a sacred space for many people and the Priest believes he has a solemn duty towards God. If you lie to him, you are tricking him into violating his conscience and flaunting the rules of the sacred space.

The church I have belonged to for six years (whole time I have lived in current city) was extremely rude to my FH and I when we met with the priest. He’s not baptized (he was raised Catholic like his mom but his dad wouldn’t allow him to be baptized catholic). I went to catholic school and had all my sacraments. The priest said we would need “extensive” premarital counseling due to our “religious differences” (this is after we told him we planned to send our future children to the catholic school affiliated with this church). We also needed both of our parents to sign forms in front of their priests authorizing us to get married (we are in our 30s) and a dispensation from the bishop allowing us to get married in the church. Also a full day in-person retreat (they were going to do this in south Florida on July 11 even with covid). Personally, I think we would have been treated very differently if this was my family’s parish, but we felt very unwelcome and did not go forward. They also wanted $1700 for a 30-min ceremony (not mass).

I’m catholic and my fiancé is not. I was not a member of a church but became a member to get married there. The priest did not ask if we live together (which we do) but we did have to both give our addresses. My fiancé gave a friends address just in case because in our packet it says if the couple lives together the church can choose not to marry you. I don’t know how strict they actually are on that. The Deacon that’s prepped us seemed very laid back and honesty the conference for the engaged was one of the best things we had to do. I was nervous it would be super religious and my fiancé wouldn’t get anything out of it, but they talk about money, communication and family planning. My fiancé and I have talked about going to a conference like that once every few years!

We had a very smooth process.
I called the church and booked the date. Then we scheduled our initial appointment with the priest. He asked us several questions; are you catholic, have you been baptized, have you been married before, so you enter marriage of your own free will, etc. he did not ask if we live together (which we did) but asked our addresses. When we gave the same address he stopped writing said you know the divorce rate is higher in couples who live together before marriage. Gave a small pause and continued writing. He then also told us we weren’t allowed to get married (husband isn’t catholic), my husband freaked out a little, then the priest said he had to give us permission/dispensation, he signed a paper and that was that.
He did also require that we have a mentor couple and do meetings with them. I think we had 7 meeting they were 2 hrs each. We also had to go to a day long couples retreat (which gave us a discount on our license 😊)I think the only way you’re going to know what you’re going to have to deal with is having a conversation with the priest. You say you don’t belong to a church, do you attend mass just at different churches? If so, I’d pick one you like and start there and also become a member. My church didn’t require me to be a member (some do) but I registered anyway (it made sense since I’s been going there for 8 years)

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Thanks so much for this!