Future mother in law hates everything.

One of my first lessons in wedding planning was to stop telling FMIL any details. She and I have very different ideas of what looks nice. For example, she likes to wear electric pink lipstick with matching jewelry, I like to wear nude lipstick and pearls.

Stop telling her details, if she asks be vague, don't tell her anything until the big day, etc.

If she feels left out, just calm the waters by telling her you want everything to be a surprise.

You did the right thing by not letting her plan your wedding.

Stick to your guns you have the wedding You want and don't worry about your FMIL

Stay strong and if it gets bad enough ask FH to talk to her.

I understand where you're coming from. You really want to be able to share and plan with a "mother figure" but your mom isn't in the picture and your FMIL is living in the past. I'm in a similar situation. My mom passed away earlier this year and my FMIL is extremely close to my FH's ex. She's slowly warming up to me but she doesn't get the traditional wedding so isn't much help with the planning. I recommend you stop sharing the planning with her. Hopefully she'll get out of the past and look ahead at the future with you as her new daughter-in-law.

I spoke to my FH and showed him the choices and he picked out 2 he liked. (He had no say in his last wedding, his mom told him to just show up. so he was shocked I wanted his views) and said screw her. He didn't think it was right she said that. I got my invites and everything ready to go. Found a cool edit and print yourself site greetingisland for my invites. So far so good

Stay strong! You have your FH's support as well which is great

Definitely be vague and keep her out of the process as much as possible.

Yea all she knows is we're getting married next year lol she hasn't seen the dress pattern (a friend is making it for me.) That I already have some of the flowers done, and the location picked out lol

Stop talking to her about your wedding. You getting married isn't going to magically like you any better. She has made it perfectly clear how she feels, leave her be.

Forget that hag. Don't include her. You don't need people that aren't nice to you. We are always here to help you with wedding decisions!

Are there any aspects that she can help you with that would possibly make her feel more included? I am all for not including anyone. I learned the less people know the better off I am and less input. Learned that one almost immediately. The first step to any resolution is to communicate. Talk to her and explain to her that it's hurtful to you to be reminded of your exes marriage and how she is comparing aspects of it to yours. Explain that your intention isn't to make her feel excluded.

I don't agree with telling her to take a hike (unless of course, she has been outright mean to you). At the end of the day, when this wedding is all over, she is still the mother of your husband. She will be a fixture in your life and your childrens' lives and the last thing you want is to make it miserable for yourself.

ETA: just reread your OP and saw you said she doesn't like you much and prefers his ex. Is this a feeling before the wedding? And the whole preferring the ex, is that just an assumption you have or do you know that for a fact?

I understand her wanting to be involved but the 1st wedding references are highly inappropriate. Your FH needs to step in and tell her that's not acceptable.

Have your FI talk with his Mom and tell her that referring to his first wife or wedding is unacceptable and must not happen again.

You have over a year of planning and listening to her comments ahead of you. To preserve your sanity, learn how not to respond to her negativity. Don't let her push your buttons. "Thanks for sharing your idea. We'll keep it in mind when we make our decision." then do what the two of you want.

Using "we" instead of "I" also helps deflect her from targeting you, and reinforces the idea that she is going to have to get used to the idea that her son has a new partner.

Oh, Jennifer VR, I wish I could learn that lesson about everyone in my family!

If she acted like this before wedding planning, she's not going to change. If everything is about the ex's wedding, she probably just wants to hear that she did a great job planning it, but you want to have the experience of planning yours.

Just wanted to point out that referencing the 1st wedding probably has nothing to do with his ex and has more to do with her being proud of and preferring all of the things she designed/picked/planned for it.

Agree with Blair. She probably genuinely wants to help and is using those as examples of how she could help. It's not appropriate but finding ways to include her should help. My fmil was feeling kind of left out, so we invited her to go with us to pick out tuxes and lunch. We also asked for her opinion when we narrowed it down to 2 invitations even though we already knew which one we liked best.

If you can give her some sort of responsibility (welcome bags, maybe?) You'll likely help her feel more involved and she might back off some.

My FMIL hates all of my plans just stop discussing it with her.

I agree you need to stop talking with her about it and not leave anything open to debate. Furthermore, FH needs to tell her that her behavior towards his future wife is inappropriate. And once again, not debate it.

She sounds like quite the charmer. Just stop involving her. Thanks but no thanks

I wouldn't ask her anything. She's disrespectful for bringing up his ex over and over and I'm positive she knows what she's doing. But, I like the idea above about you saying you want everything to be a surprise because it's not the best option to have to "put " your FMIL "in her place", no matter how much she needs it.