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Beginner August 2019

Future In Laws Involvement

Kathleen, on July 29, 2019 at 1:56 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 23

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How involved were your FIL’s with your wedding? I feel like mine care about me and FH but they just seem clueless about what a wedding entails. The wedding is 5 hours away from them, in my hometown, but I expected them to be more interested in it. Especially since FH is the first of their children to get married. For example, I offered to go shopping with my my FMIL for her dress and then she told me she went shopping and found it without me. Which is fine I guess, but it would have been a nice way to get to know her better. Also, both of my FIL’s don’t have to work the week before the wedding and they know we’re setting up on Thursday and having a girl’s spa day on Friday morning before the rehearsal that night. Yet, they haven’t offered to come and help set up on Thursday and will only arrive around noon on Friday. So my FMIL will probably miss the spa day too. My FMIL is taking care of the rehearsal dinner and it should be nice but I really don’t understand the lack of helping with set up when they aren’t working and could have planned to arrive earlier. Do they think tables decorate themselves up? Haha

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23 Comments

Latest activity by Kathleen, on July 31, 2019 at 1:05 AM

Champion June 2019
Gen · on July 29, 2019 at 2:01 PM
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Mine were literally not involved at all lol. My FIL wrote us a check to help out with the cost which was super nice. But he literally just wrote the check and was like "here's some money for your wedding, good luck!" Lol. Then he showed up just in time for the rehearsal, came to the rehearsal dinner, and came to the wedding. That was it
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Master August 2019
Allie · on July 29, 2019 at 2:10 PM
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My FILs are not involved in the wedding at all. They are invited of course but not paying for anything or participating in anything other than showing up. I think you are expecting a little too much of them. Its already very generous that FMIL is taking care of the rehearsal dinner. If you want to bond with your in-laws, try to get them together for something non-wedding related. Also, just because they aren't working the week before your wedding doesn't mean they are obligated to set up for the wedding. They probably have something else going on and can't get there any earlier.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on July 29, 2019 at 2:14 PM
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Mine was pretty involved but I felt like my parents and his didn't really know how wedding planning even worked aha. Im
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Beginner August 2019
Kathleen · on July 29, 2019 at 2:15 PM
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You have a good point, I’m probably expecting too much from them. It’s just hard because in my family everyone pitches in for big events like this so my parents, grandparents, aunt, and siblings are all heavily involved and will be helping with set up. I just feel like they’re missing out. But I’m sure every family does things differently.
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Champion November 2016
LB · on July 29, 2019 at 2:17 PM
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They're hosting a RD but you're upset they aren't going to be your unpayed hired help to set up the wedding!? I think you need some perspective....
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Master August 2019
Allie · on July 29, 2019 at 2:19 PM
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I totally understand. Other families are just different. My FH's family didn't even bother to RSVP.
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Champion October 2018
Kelly · on July 29, 2019 at 2:24 PM
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Our parents just showed up but beyond that weren’t involved in any planning.
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Expert October 2017
Florida Marlins · on July 29, 2019 at 2:25 PM
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This time - none, they were 83 and 89, lol. (My hubby was a first time groom at age 52) Plus they live in Florida, so......no.
First time: A little bit but nothing overbearing. They hosted the RD.
Please do not expect them to help with the set up, they are your in laws not hired help. They are retired, their time is their own.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 29, 2019 at 2:26 PM
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I couldn't agree with this more.
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VIP April 2019
Nikita · on July 29, 2019 at 2:27 PM
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Your version of involvement is way more than mine. And I thought my in-laws were super attentive and involved!
My MIL went to a bridal show with me. Her and my FIL also joined us for the cake testing, kept us informed of any attire, discussed different ideas/options regularly, and purchased all the alcohol. They paid for hair and make-up (my SIL did the make-up). They also arrived a bit early and were going to help set up the space, but it was done by the time they got there.
I like to do the "have no expectations and be pleasantly surprised" over having high expectations and being disappointed.
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Devoted April 2021
Allaura · on July 29, 2019 at 2:34 PM
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My FILs are like not involved at all. I asked my FMIL for a list of people they want me to invite and they haven’t given it to me in like a couple weeks. This is the only actual wedding in their family and they like want nothing to do with it. It’s honestly a roll of the dice if they show (jk they’ll show cuz it’ll be free). They’re not even hosting a RD or anything. Anyways I wouldn’t expect them to set up but I can see why you’re frustrated that they might miss some other things. I’ve learned just to not hold my breathe when it comes to my In laws lol
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Beginner August 2019
Kathleen · on July 29, 2019 at 2:42 PM
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As I said above, I am probably expecting too much from them. Still, it’s a little hard when my whole family is pitching in and helping including my 75 year old grandparents. And it’s not about the help anyway, it’s about being there. I just feel like they’re missing out. I’m especially bummed out that my FMIL won’t be there for the spa day or the bridesmaids luncheon that I’m giving the day before the wedding too.
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Beginner August 2019
Kathleen · on July 29, 2019 at 2:47 PM
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Same. My FMIL forgot to get me the addresses for 3 months... and I only got them when FH tracked them down in her address book and from his grandma. Half of the names were misspelt and some addresses were outdated and then invites bounced back. It was pretty stressful.
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Lady · on July 29, 2019 at 2:47 PM
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Well they obviously don't feel like they are "missing out" so i really wouldn't worry about it.
And did you specifically invite your MIL to the spa day? Will she have to pay for it if she attends or are you treating? It sounds like they like you two and are supportive, but aren't the type of people to be over-involved. Just let it go.
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Beginner August 2019
Kathleen · on July 29, 2019 at 2:50 PM
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Yes, I specifically invited her and I was going to treat her and my mom to pedicures or whatever they want. So I’m sad she won’t be there.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on July 29, 2019 at 4:31 PM
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My in-laws are basically clueless about weddings too. They've been very sweet, though! They plan on paying for our cake and the catering for our cake and punch reception.
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Master January 2021
Andrea · on July 29, 2019 at 5:18 PM
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My In-Laws are not involved at all. And I fully expected that too! But it's okay though.
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Super August 2019
Btbride · on July 29, 2019 at 7:58 PM
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Mine have been pretty involved, I think they wish they were more involved. They've arranged the rehearsal dinner, FMIL and some of her family friends arranged our wedding shower, and they've been in charge of getting some things for the reception. All that being said, I would never ask my family or in-laws to help set up for my wedding, even if they asked, because I want them to relax and be able to enjoy it, not to work. I budgeted for a day-of coordinator so I could pay to have someone else handle that!
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VIP September 2019
· on July 29, 2019 at 9:30 PM
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I think considering their first child to get married is a boy and back in the day the groom's family didn't have much involvement except to pay for rehearsal dinner. Does your fmil know you want her tp be involved. Sometimes you have to be more upfront for people to get the big picture. Maybe get her a little card and write a nice note personally including her. My fmil has been very involved and wants to participate. My mother is the opposite. So it is a give and take with them, lol. Also personal experience plays a role too I think.
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Dedicated October 2019
Carrie · on July 30, 2019 at 2:50 AM
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Wedding and party planning is not everyone’s cup of tea. My FH Aunt is planning my bridal shower and my mom and dad contributed $$$. Otherwise, I have done everything on my own.
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