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Katie
Devoted August 2019

Friends who are not invited

Katie, on December 21, 2018 at 10:30 AM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 38

Hey everyone, looking for a little advice. An old friend of mine from elementary school has been messaging me every few months since FH and I got engaged. Which is fine, but we haven't really talked about anything substantial since we were kids (if this means anything, I'm an INFJ and generally hate...
Hey everyone, looking for a little advice. An old friend of mine from elementary school has been messaging me every few months since FH and I got engaged. Which is fine, but we haven't really talked about anything substantial since we were kids (if this means anything, I'm an INFJ and generally hate small talk). In my opinion, we don't really talk for a reason, and that's because we are very different now that we're adults.

Anyway, one of the first things she said to me when I got engaged to FH was, "I better be a bridesmaid!". I'm not even sure I want to invite her to the wedding. Now she messages me asking about the wedding every few months and I try to redirect the conversation away from that kind of talk, but it's getting harder (again, because we don't really have anything to talk about).

Anyone else in a similar situation? How are you dealing with these types of interactions?

Thanks in advance!!
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38 Comments

  • Mrs. Coakley
    Master June 2017
    Mrs. Coakley ·
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    Omg, I had almost the exact same thing happen to me with a distant friend I had grown apart from. Perhaps this isn't the best way, but I ignored all of her wedding-related texts. It came to a point where she asked me what day my wedding was so she could take off work, and I ignored that too. If she brings it up again, I would just tell her you're having a small wedding with close family.

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  • D
    Just Said Yes October 2019
    Danielle ·
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    I'm almost in the same situation!!! I've only been at this job for two years (march 2019) and some staff are already talking about they are coming.. I don't want to invite them. There are only two that I actually like that I would invite, but as the Director, I think its best to not invite any, but I know the two will be upset and if the others find out it will be an awkward working environment.

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  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
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    I am an ISFJ so I relate to disliking/being exhausted by smalltalk! That is so weird she would assume she is a bridesmaid. I’m in a similarly weird situation, 2 friends I have known for a long time but talk to a few times a year and see once every 2-3 years were literally just assuming they were bridesmaids, and “arguing” over who was going to get to be my MOH. SO AWKWARD. I didn’t say anything at the time and they haven’t mentioned it since (because I so rarely talk to them anyway lol) but if it comes up again my excuse is going to be that my FH and I only want wedding party members who are close to both of us... one of these girls has only met FH once (at her own wedding actually) and the other one hasn’t met him at all. So I’m thinking that’ll be a good excuse if it comes up again. Maybe will work for you too!
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  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
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    I like that for my situation, as well. Thank you!
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  • Maggie
    Super February 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I too am an INFJ and find small talk to be a complete waste of time and wedding small talk to be the worst of all, especially when the person is not invited. I haven't been in your exact situation but I think you've gotten a lot of good advice here!
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  • J
    Just Said Yes June 2019
    Jessica ·
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    I totally agree!!!
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  • K
    Savvy October 2019
    Kayla ·
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    I am in a similar situation!! Long story short, we were besties from 8 yr olds til 18... then she ran away from home with a boyfriend and basically abandoned me. We didn't speak for about 8 years even though she was the best friend I've ever had. (Worst heartbreak ever!) I went to college made new friends, formed stronger bonds with childhood friends.... She hears I'm getting married and that I asked our other mutual friend to be my MOH. Now she's messaging me all the time and trying to figure out how to repair age old damage.

    LAUGH IT OFF. You may invite them to the wedding if you have the seat and you are feeling cordial. It sounds mean but your big day is not about her. Nor her relationship with you. She missed that chance years ago by not trying harder to maintain that relationship with you. Every friendship is a work-in-progress. People shouldn't just "turn it on/off" when it's convenient to them. That's the very definition of fair weathered friend.

    Sorry this sounds ranty. But I 100% know where you are coming from. You're not being mean... The fact you even asked what to do indicates you're a nice person. Stop agonizing over it and get back to planning Smiley winking

    Good Luck!!

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  • Peachypie
    Dedicated January 2019
    Peachypie ·
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    These people who have the gall to say, "I better be invited" or "I better be in the wedding party" have some cajones. That is just so unbelievably rude. It happened to me also.

    You do not owe it to an old friend who is fishing for an invite to be included. I agree with the first commenter. Politely tell her that you simply do not have the room or space for her to attend. Goodluck!

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  • Paige
    Devoted September 2019
    Paige ·
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    It so amazing to me people are like this. My cousin got married and she had her future sister in law and her cousin literally fueding over who walked down the aisle closest to my cousin. It was to the point that I just showed up and did the DIY for her, listened to her vent and didn’t give my opinion on anything because she was so stressed out with these immature girls who don’t appreciate her the rest of the year, but find it a necessity to be in the spot light.
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  • Randi
    Randi ·
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    Weddings can be a good time to 're-connect' with old friends and forgotten family.

    If you can afford an extra guest or two, you'll probably be happier in the long run.....

    But do go with your gut (and your budget)! :-)

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  • Tricia
    Savvy August 2019
    Tricia ·
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    I have been avoiding! I was excited about the possibility of getting engaged and kinda asked friends to be a part of it. Now that I am actually engaged I find that I don't want some of these ladies to be bridesmaids - they bring either drama, flakiness, or stress - and who wants more stress for their wedding?!

    There are two ladies that I will need to have a chat with. My family says to be direct, but unwavering.

    I suggest the same - practice what you will say to her before you do it.

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  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
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    I did not ask her to be a BM. I have two ladies that I'm close with. One a MOH and the other a BM. I was not trying to have the added stress of a large BP and definitely not adding someone who expected(demanded?) to be part of it.
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  • Tricia
    Savvy August 2019
    Tricia ·
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    I don't blame you - who needs that added stress?! I have a MOH who self-appointed, and now is becoming a nightmare. She might be bi-polar. I am trying to figure out what to do with her, myself.

    Good luck! Looks like the ladies on the forum have given you great advice!!

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  • Rachel
    Super May 2019
    Rachel ·
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    Be careful when saying "We're only having a small wedding with close friends & family", especially if you plan on posting photos on facebook. I've seen this happen before when a friend said that to another friend. Then she posted (and was tagged in) tons of photos online. Well, that friend who was told "only close friends and family/small wedding", saw the photos and realized that it was a complete lie as the wedding was HUGGGGE!

    Might be better to just be honest (if you're not actually having a small wedding).

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  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
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    Yes, that's definitely not the route I'm taking. It's going to be mainly family but that alone takes up around 110 guests, so it's not really a small wedding. Just have to guts-up and be honest if she keeps on pushing.
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  • A
    Dedicated October 2020
    Ashley ·
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    Just tell her you already have people picked and cant fit her in. And you have a set number for guests and she cant be one due to money.
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  • Denise
    July 2019
    Denise ·
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    I agree—Maybe “we both have large families” is a better way of wording it!

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  • Rachel
    Expert September 2019
    Rachel ·
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    I just tell people the truth--with his fairly large and my extremely large families, we can't even afford to host all the relatives we would like, let alone acquaintances or lots of friends.

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