Katie
Devoted August 2019

Friends who are not invited

Katie, on December 21, 2018 at 10:30 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 38
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Hey everyone, looking for a little advice. An old friend of mine from elementary school has been messaging me every few months since FH and I got engaged. Which is fine, but we haven't really talked about anything substantial since we were kids (if this means anything, I'm an INFJ and generally hate small talk). In my opinion, we don't really talk for a reason, and that's because we are very different now that we're adults.

Anyway, one of the first things she said to me when I got engaged to FH was, "I better be a bridesmaid!". I'm not even sure I want to invite her to the wedding. Now she messages me asking about the wedding every few months and I try to redirect the conversation away from that kind of talk, but it's getting harder (again, because we don't really have anything to talk about).

Anyone else in a similar situation? How are you dealing with these types of interactions?

Thanks in advance!!

38 Comments

  • Caytlyn
    Champion November 2019
    Caytlyn ·

    If she specifically asks about being invited to the wedding, I would just say "I apologize, we are keeping our guest list to close friends and family only. We'd love to get with you after the wedding though!" Since she's only been talking about the wedding, I think it's pretty safe to assume she won't take you up on the offer to hang out at a later date.

  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Exactly this! Perfect response.
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Champion March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    View Quoted Comment
    This is so right on! I would share this sooner rather than later to shut down the wedding chat and see if she does stick around.
  • Aiesha
    Dedicated November 2019
    Aiesha ·
    View Quoted Comment
    This is perfect! You’ll pretty much see her intentions after you send this.
  • Gloria
    Super March 2019
    Gloria Online ·
    I am definitely not in that situation but just remember and keep in mind that it’s your wedding . and your welcome to invite whoever you please it doesn’t matter if it’s a old friend Or a new friend You invite who ever u particularly want in your wedding.
  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I love this. I also feel like I should add that she has a mental illness which at times may lead her to believing that we ARE very close. Maybe I should stop tiptoeing around that, though, and just tell it like it is.
  • JustKidding
    VIP April 2018
    JustKidding ·

    I had a friend that I used to be very close with start talking to me about once we were engaged. I knew he wouldn't be invited to the wedding. I gave no details and only said the guest list would be small.

    I ended up de-friending him after the wedding because he got upset that he was never invited. You wont make everyone happy. Stop talking to her about the wedding.

  • PurdyAikey
    Super January 2019
    PurdyAikey ·

    Its funny because I have a friend who recently came out of the blue and is like how is everything congrats on your engagement when is the big day (this is like 6 months after)... It felt like she was fishing to be invited which is weird because she went from single (on facebook, but IDK I don't talk to here) to posting honeymoon pics, and I am like A) I was not invited to yours B) I obviously have no idea what is going on in your life why do you assume we are super great friends, but there was like a year where she never called me back, so I just find it weird when childhood friends SUDDENLY when you are engaged are LIKE HEY BESTIE! I told the wedding is all planned, invitations are out, and left it at that. I think she got the hint that she wasn't invited. She also asked for my address for a "Christmas card," and asked if I wanted hers. I was like no I will get it off the Christmas Card! Haha she sent me a picture of her and her husband (not sure if it was actually a Christmas Card or not!)

  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
    Whatever you do, don't give excuses for not inviting her. People, especially people like her, like to problem solve. If you say it's a budget issue, they'll offer to pay or not eat. If you say it's a space issue, they'll ask to be included once you have declines. Keep it to "we can't invite everyone who is interested". Should you get push back stick with "it's just impossible".
  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Right!! It would never occur to me to reach out to someone like that when we're not close. But, like I said, this woman and I are VERY different. Lol
  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you, you're probably right. Would not have thought of this.
  • Emily
    Devoted August 2018
    Emily ·

    Hey Girl,

    I think the best way to go about this is just saying that you and you FH aren't trying to have a huge wedding and due to your budget your trying to keep it under ___ people.

    I hope this helps!

  • P
    Dedicated September 2020
    Paulette ·

    Im having a similar issues. I have a friend who said that I shouldn't have the wedding on a certain date because it falls on a Jewish holiday. (She is Jewish) It works for us because its a Sunday which is cheaper than a Sat. and then a lot of guests have the Monday is off. I think because she wants to be invited and honestly I just met her a few months ago so idk if we will even be friends when I get married since we are not that close right now. She keeps offering to help with wedding plans and Im having a hard time telling her no because I feel bad but at the same time I cant pick a date around when one or two people can go. We are doing a very small wedding mainly family and a few very close friends. I feel bad because if we do become closer by time we start sending out invitations she may be upset that I chose that date but honestly Im just trying to pick something that works in our budget and also makes it easier for majority of family coming.


    I guess maybe we both have to just be honest with the people and hope for the best. Its deff not an easy thing to talk about.

  • C
    Super July 2019
    Crystal ·
    I'm inviting my childhood best friend and her mother. We haven't hung out in years because she lives a good distance away and runs a ranch and shes a mechanic so shes busy busy. But every single memory from my childhood is with her so I'm inviting her.
  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks for sharing your experience. Definitely not easy to talk about. Wishing wedding planning was all sunshine and rainbows 😂
  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I get that. I was really close to her but only for a few years. We were about 13 when we stopped hanging out all the time. So 3 years of us being close and about 12 of talking here and there, seeing each other only a handful of times..so for me, it just doesn't make sense.
  • P
    Dedicated September 2020
    Paulette ·
    Right good luck with the situation. My one question for you would be is if she doesn’t want to talk or be friends anymore when you tell her how you feel will you be upset. If not then I wouldn’t stress it and just tell her that your sorry but your only inviting family and a few friends
  • Courtney
    Rockstar December 2019
    Courtney ·

    I'm kind of in the same situation here, and I don't feel bad for inviting an ex-friend. Long story short there was a schism amongst our friend group and we ended up choosing different sides. Despite that I still reached out periodically and sent birthday and Christmas gifts after she moved out of state. A few years of not reciprocating, I figured she didn't care about our friendship. Turns out I was right, she had a freaking kid and I never knew! All of our friends from home were invited to the shower except for me.

    I decided that that was it... I was done. I couldn't deal with the friendship being one sided anymore.

    A couple of years later my FH proposed and she called the very next day to ask when the big day was.

    Needless to say she isn't invited. She still texts me every now and then but I keep details close to the vest as to not give her the wrong idea.

  • Kimberly
    Devoted November 2018
    Kimberly ·

    You will always have people who will expect to be invited for a reason that is unbeknownst to you! My wife had a falling out with one of her acquaintances and even though she was friends with a ton of people at the wedding, we still didn't invite her. She never said anything about it. Another person had a crush on me for the longest time, I didn't return the feelings, we didn't invite him to the wedding because we literally never hung out outside of me running into him at work, and now he "sad" reacts to everything on Facebook, LOL. Another person called me a B***** while we were working with guests around, and neither my wife or I had made any attempt to contact him or hang out with him for the 2 years after that. He sent his well wishes with one of our best friends and asked why he wasn't invited... People want to be included in everything. They want to be part of it even if they are disconnected from the reality of your relationships. It's hard to make those choices but in the end we are very glad we did it that way. Hold your ground and follow your gut!

  • Katie
    Devoted August 2019
    Katie ·
    View Quoted Comment
    😂😂 thanks for the LOL. You're right, I've had a lot of other people reach out to me, too, since getting engaged. This one is just the least natural I guess. Gotta stick with it.

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