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Expert November 2019

Friend is hurt because she isn’t moh or a bridesmaid

Erin, on September 21, 2019 at 11:07 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 23

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So, I had my bridal shower today and it was great! One of my close friends from college (let’s call her Mary) drove up for it. Now, I do not know her current financial situation, but I know she has been struggling financially ever since we graduated from college at least ten years ago because of insurance not covering certain medications, or surgical procedures, as well as undergrad and graduate school debt. She also lives 2-2.5 hours away and even though we were really close in college, we have drifted apart over the years. We did at one point tell each other that we would be one another’s MOH, but again, that was a little over ten years ago. Since then, I’ve gained a sister-in-law—who is my MOH. Besides my SIL, I have asked two cousins and one friend that I’ve known for over twenty years—about nine years longer than this close friend. Anyway, while in the presence of Mary at my shower, my aunt asked if Mary was my MOH and I told her it was my SIL and then my aunt asked if Mary is in the wedding party and I told her that it’s just two cousins and the very first friend I made after moving back to the USA when my dad retired from the military. So, I texted Mary tonight to thank her for coming and all, she sent a long text back.

“Hi Erin. So, I’m really hurt. Honestly I don’t even want to bring it up. This feels like a slap in the face. While I wasn’t sure if I would be the maid of honor I at least thought I’d be a bridesmaid. I remember when we made this sort of “pact” or whatever in college or soon after that we would be each other‘s maids of honor. You must’ve forgotten or don’t care anymore. I know that was college days and we’ve drifted apart and matured etc. but you were still going to be MY maid of honor. So I feel like an idiot for holding onto that. And very hurt. I didn’t find that out until I got to your bridal shower today and your aunt was talking and I found out not only was I not MOH, I’m not even in the wedding PARTY. Wow. I mean I wondered what was taking so long to tell me if I was going to be in it, so I should’ve put 2 and 2 together already...but it didn’t fully register until today at your shower. I feel like an idiot now. I was trying to fight back tears the whole time. I thought we were closer than that. I really can’t express how horrible this makes me feel. And how stupid. You’re going to do what you need to do but this cuts deeply Erin. I know I haven’t been the most reliable friend either, but I have always loved you and thought that you thought more highly of me than you actually do.”

So, I don’t know what to say to her or what to do?

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23 Comments

Latest activity by Casey, on September 24, 2019 at 12:10 PM

VIP November 2019
Laura · on September 21, 2019 at 11:22 PM
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Be honest; she deserves that. Tell her the simple truth about why you chose your SIL & other BMs. Tell her that yeah, you’ve drifted apart but she’s still important to you, and so on. She’s hurt, and there’s nothing you can do to fix that hurt. Telling the truth may help some, but she’s deeply hurt and you can’t fix it, even if you by no means did it on purpose.
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Dedicated October 2019
October2019 · on September 21, 2019 at 11:22 PM
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Say sorry. That's about all you can say and try to not make pacts now that you know you may not keep. A friend asked to be in my wedding I said yes mostly because I felt pressured too but then had to tell her no and why. We all make decisions that can come back to bite us just got to learn from them.
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Super December 2021
Casey · on September 21, 2019 at 11:33 PM
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Honestly, this sounds like a her problem. You said that was 10 years ago and you've drifted apart. It sounds like she thought you guys were much closer than you thought and felt. That's no ones fault, it happens fairly often (I think anyways) but the way she reacted is bad.

It's fine for her to feel and think all that, but it's really not fair to dump it all out on you like that. This is equivalent to having a crush and when they don't "like you back" you tell them how much they hurt you. It isn't their (your) fault for not having returned feelings, it isn't anyone's fault, but blaming them isn't fair. Also, being in a bridal party is not tit for tat.

I think she is probably feeling very hurt and lonely not because of the position in the WP, but perhaps because she is suddenly faced with the realization that who she considered her closest friend, her future MOH, didn't feel nearly as close to her in return. Again, not your fault or hers, but I imagine it's making her feel all kinds of terrible.

So, while I do think this was inappropriate and doesn't accomplish anything, I'd be as kind as possible. I suggest something like "I'm sorry you feel this way and are so hurt. Just because I did not pick you for my bridal party does not mean I don't think highly of you. You aren't stupid and I value our friendship."
That is, if you do and want to salvage the relationship. It's really up to you.
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Devoted September 2020
Jennifer · on September 22, 2019 at 3:58 AM
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This is really tough, for you and for your friend. It's unfortunate that the beans were spilled and you didn't get a chance to tell Mary yourself. But now she's hurt. I recommend apologizing to her for causing her pain. Even if it was unintentional and you had reasons for not asking her to be in your BP (which can all be valid reasons), your decision resulted in her pain. You have the ability now to help soothe her wounds and you can do that by having an open heart-to-heart with her about your reasons. You don't even have to be super detailed about it, actually the less detailed the better. Say something like "I'm so sorry I hurt you, I never intended to do that and I feel awful for that. I hope you can understand why I chose [SIL] as my MOH since we've become really close in the last few years. I would love for you to still be involved in my wedding in another way" - maybe suggest that she do a reading or something?
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on September 22, 2019 at 3:12 PM
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I kind of see this as immature on her part. She can't really expect to be in the bridal party after ten years of growing apart. I would apologize that she feels this way because it was never your intention to snub her
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January 2014
Pam · on September 22, 2019 at 3:44 PM
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You get to decide the wedding party; however, knowing that she probably expected to be a part of it you absolutely should NOT have let her find out this way. How embarrassed and hurt she must have been to hear that discussion take place in front of her! It's akin to talking to people about a party you're having in front of someone you aren't going to invite. You owe her a big apology for that.
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Dedicated June 2017
Scarlett · on September 22, 2019 at 5:11 PM
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I had a similiar situation at my wedding, and the person I left out no longer speaks to me. TBH, I didn't think much of this type of thing. We had a very small bridal party, which was mostly family (and a close friend of over 20 years), and our other friends including this girl were invited to other wedding events. Being a bridesmaid is expensive and time consuming (she was also an OOO guest and new mother), and I know I personally wouldn't be offended if someone didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, but everyone is different. In my case (and maybe yours), this would have been the only time the girl would have been asked to be in the wedding party. I can see why there may have been more sensitivity in this. At the end of the day its your wedding party and your wedding. Just try to be honest with her (tell her you care about her, you value her friendship, but at this time you wanted a smaller, mostly family bridal party).
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on September 22, 2019 at 7:18 PM
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I realize that this will sound cold and callous, but do people even have bridal showers without having chosen the wedding party yet? I mean, it shouldn't have been that big of a surprise that she wasn't a BM, much less MOH. Who did she think was throwing the shower? I know other people can plan one, too, but the MOH usually helps.
I'm guessing she already knew, and was just waiting until after the shower to send you on a bigger guilt trip.
I'd just apologize, and tell her that your family is a bigger priority now. They are family, after all!
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Master 0000
Judith · on September 22, 2019 at 10:25 PM
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I agree. Most people this age have realized that things said while dreaming about the future might hold for a year or two, but in a decade, life changes. It might be nice to say that you are sorry, and that when you were planning out the reception you wanted her to speak, or give a toast. But not much else you can say except, you never meant to hurt her.
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Expert November 2019
Erin · on September 23, 2019 at 1:42 AM
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Thank you, Laura. I apologized to her and explained that it was a really tough decision with regards to my wedding party and that they are pretty much all family members who had me as a bridesmaid in their weddings. I also told her that our wedding is small and there are only a few close friends who were invited to the wedding. She was understanding.
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Expert November 2019
Erin · on September 23, 2019 at 1:45 AM
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So true. That is definitely a learning point for me. If my FH and I both had one more, Mary would no doubt be a bridesmaid in my wedding.
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Expert November 2019
Erin · on September 23, 2019 at 1:49 AM
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Definitely salvaging the relationship. She is important to me and I value her and our friendship so much. It’s just that when it comes to family members who have had me in their weddings, I feel it is only right to return on that.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on September 23, 2019 at 11:12 AM
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I agree with PPs, just be honest. The majority of your bridal party are family or future family. Family is forever, while friends can come and go. If I had given a spot to everyone I played dream wedding with and said passively would be bridesmaids in college (when I was freshly dating my FH), I would have a bridal party comprised of people who I haven't seen in years or had a bad falling out with who aren't even invited to the wedding.
While her feelings are valid, she needs to ask herself, have I been there for her as well? Has she tried to communicate with you? Friendship is a two way street, so she needs to do her share as well. I'm sure she may be too hurt to reason with, but make sure she knows you want her there on your big day!
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Super December 2021
Casey · on September 23, 2019 at 4:32 PM
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Best of luck! As others have said, I really don't think you did anything wrong and she is being unfair but you sound calm and collected! I hope you two can work it out!
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Expert November 2019
Erin · on September 24, 2019 at 9:23 AM
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Totally. Thank you for the advice and suggestion! I apologized to her and was sensitive to her feeling hurt, I was honest with her about it, and I told her that when we do a bachelorette (or it might actually end up being a post wedding girls’ day celebration) that I would love for her to join us.
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Expert November 2019
Erin · on September 24, 2019 at 9:24 AM
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Thank you! 💕
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Expert November 2019
Erin · on September 24, 2019 at 9:27 AM
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Yeah, I told her I screwed up and I apologized to her. Was definitely sensitive to her feelings because it made me feel terrible and I don’t want her to feel that way. Thank you for the perspective.
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Expert November 2019
Erin · on September 24, 2019 at 9:33 AM
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That’s really true! Everyone is different and not everyone responds to not being asked the same way. Your situation sounds almost exactly the same as mine. I’m sorry that friend of yours no longer talks to you. That’s really sad that she couldn’t understand or look past it. I explained everything to my friend and she said she doesn’t want this to come between us and I honestly don’t want it to either because she truly is dear to me even if we aren’t as close as we used to be. Thank you for your advice!
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Expert November 2019
Erin · on September 24, 2019 at 9:37 AM
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I’m not sure she’s really familiar with all of that as she has not been a bridesmaid before, but I definitely did apologize to her, explain to her, and she seemed to understand. So thankful! Thanks for the advice...and I totally agree that family should take priority!
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Expert November 2019
Erin · on September 24, 2019 at 9:40 AM
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A lot can happen in ten years, for sure! Yes, I agree. Thank you.
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