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Just Said Yes July 2020

Forced to have the best friend of my future sister in law as a bridesmaid

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Latoya, on November 1, 2018 at 6:28 PM

Hi all,

So I’m recently engaged and we haven’t even set a date yet. However my fiancé says that his little sister who is 11 years younger than me has to be a bridesmaid as well as her little best friend. Personally I want all my bridesmaids to be adults as they are my best friends, and are expected to attend my hen (bachelorette) party weekend, along with other older friends and it will either be at home (London) or a sunny mini-holiday further afield in Europe. It will now be 6 bridesmaids in total which I think is too much, but as he is used to massive weddings as a part of his culture, he has said it is not enough and I already cut the numbers down from 8.

I understand his sister being a bridesmaid, but I don’t want to have the best friend involved when I don’t know her. Also I would rather have my younger and close cousin (who is an adult) instead as that would be my only family member in my bridal party? He has said that my brother will be one of his groomsmen which is nice, but I doubt he will attend his stag do (bachelor party) as my fiancé and friends are in their 30’s and my brother is in his early 20’s.

Should I be forced to have this extra girl? I doubt she will be involved in any pre-bridemaid duties, she’ll basically just turn up in the dress on the day and be in photos without having helped plan. Should I suggest we veto any siblings in the party, just so that the friend does not have to take part? We can always get her involved in other ways, like a bible reading or song at the ceremony?

Surely your bridesmaids are reserved for people you love dearly? My fiancé must have promised both of them that they will be together as bridesmaids on the day. I don’t mind the sister-in-law at all, it’s just having to be forced to have her friend is unfair, especially as we haven’t officially asked anyone yet.

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44 Comments

Dedicated December 2018
Amelia · on November 2, 2018 at 12:33 PM
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It sounds like yo hate being pressured to have a random child that you don’t even know to be a bridesmaid just because the sister-in-law is a bridesmaid? That really does not make any sense to me. Unless your FH is very close with this girl, I would say do not have her as a bridesmaid only for number’s sake. I’m sorry you are dealing with this stress
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Dedicated January 2019
AMANDA · on November 2, 2018 at 12:40 PM
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His sister should be in your bridal party as a bridesmaid. The friend of hers - NO. Your cousin, yes.
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VIP April 2019
Nikita · on November 2, 2018 at 12:48 PM
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I agree with a lot of other people here. The bridal party should be your decision. Also, something not mentioned, if you want, maybe make the sister a junior bridesmaid since she likely can't be a part of the bachelorette party due to age.
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Master May 2019
Chandra · on November 2, 2018 at 12:48 PM
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Hmmm...yeah the friend bit is the part that gets me confused. I could understand more if he was saying to just invite the friend so his sister has company but in thr bridal party? No maam!
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VIP January 2019
NVV2B · on November 2, 2018 at 12:49 PM
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Future SIL, ok fine I can understand that. But her friend... no. Absolutely not.
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Just Said Yes July 2020
Latoya · on November 2, 2018 at 1:17 PM
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Hi Valerie,

I didn’t say his sister doesn’t deserve the honour of being a bridesmaid, I said I didnt want her friend who I don’t know to be a part of it. And in my opinion, bridesmaids don’t just turn up on the day in a pretty dress, eat food and go home. Their role is to provide support to the bride before the wedding, be it engagement party, the traditional tribal ceremony, hen and stag dos. They help out the bride to get ready, calm her down when things are getting too much, they also assist the maid of honour, it could be small things like offering ideas, handing out programs, welcoming guests, getting people to the dance floor, getting people to sign the guestbook or take photos or even pointing out where the toilet is to the elders. The bridal party are the life and soul of the wedding, especially in large scale African weddings, as lots of dancing and tribal traditions are involved otherwise they might as well be a guest.
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Expert December 2021
Shaunte · on November 2, 2018 at 1:31 PM
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Yeah I agree with a lot of the PPs. You shouldn't be forced to have someone as a bridesmaid just because your fiance wants her to be there. The request that her best friend be a bridesmaid is just over the top. They can both go stand with him.
While including FSIL is considered standard, I am not asking my FSIL to be in my wedding due to her strange displays of entitlement and irrational behavior. She threw a tantrum at Christmas because she didn't get the white elephant gift she wanted - she's 38. I can only imagine what she'll do at the wedding. Additionally, I know my best friends - they will say something to her and it won't end well.
I told FH she can stand up on his side as a groomswoman/best woman if he wanted her in the wedding. Turns out he also doesn't want her in the wedding either for the same reasons. He was just waiting on me to say something.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on November 2, 2018 at 1:36 PM
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I understand him wanting his sister to be a bridesmaid, but adding her friend is super weird and uncomfortable. Why would the friend even want to be your bridesmaid...? This is a really odd situation, I would definitely ask his sister to be a bridesmaid if that is really important to him, but I’d put my foot down and not add the friend
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Super April 2019
Valerie · on November 2, 2018 at 3:27 PM
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The ONLY job of a bridesmaid is to buy the required dress and show up on the day. If they offer to do anything else that is amazing, but they aren't REQUIRED to. Many, many, many people here post about immense disappointment because they have the 'movie' expectations of their bridal party. Your bridal party should be people you are honoring and therefore should be treated as VIPs, not people who you are picking because they can do the most work for you.
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Dedicated August 2019
Courtney · on November 2, 2018 at 3:43 PM
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Maybe she can be there getting ready with the bridal party or finding a little side job for her to do so she feels important?

I dont know, personally, i don’t thijk you should have to have her as a bridesmaid when you don’t know her and no one should make you. You get to decide who is in your bridal party, and your fiancé should understand. He can have her on his side or not at all then. That’s not fair to you. I wouldn’t stress about it too much your fiancé should support your decision with this.
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Kat · on November 3, 2018 at 1:40 PM
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It sounds like to me maybe the sister and her friend is excited and wants to help but not sure how. Maybe you could include them in the wedding somehow. Like have them as an honored guest or assistant to the bride or something. Maybe invite them to go with you when you get your hair/nails done or to get ready with you the morning of.
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Super September 2018
Ingrid · on November 3, 2018 at 2:15 PM
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I’m not sure if things are different in the UK but this sounds like such BS! No don’t have this stranger in your wedding party!!! If it means so much to your FH to have his sister with you, then I would do that if I were you. But not her friend!
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Master September 2019
Colleen · on November 3, 2018 at 2:35 PM
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Your guest gave to wear something special? You may get a bunch of declines. Unless it is tradition

As far as him making you have her as a BM he can’t do that she can stand on your side.
i do not know if it is wedding
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Master September 2019
Colleen · on November 3, 2018 at 2:42 PM
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I think it may be a cultural difference. Just please remyyou BM do have lives and famioa d as much as they love you that marr have to come before your wedding. Especially If they have kids.
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Just Said Yes June 2019
Ciara · on November 3, 2018 at 2:48 PM
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It's your day! If you don't want to have them in your bridal party that should be the end of the discussion.
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Savvy October 2020
Jessica · on November 3, 2018 at 3:12 PM
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I think your wedding party is completely up to you! If you don’t want them, say no! BUT I would say that I think it’s important to pick your battles! Before you make any decision, I’d maybe dig in to why he wants the friend in the wedding party... the sister makes total sense to me. I have 6 siblings and he has 2 and all of them are included in our wedding party, his sister is standing on my side and my brother is standing on his side. (We are having all the girls on my side and guys on his)

For the friend though, you said she is like a little sister to him? Where I grew up, my aunt/grandmas house was a safe place for kids in the neighborhood whose parents were frequently absent. Several of them called my grandma “Nana” and my aunt “Mom” because of how close they were and how much time they spent there. I could imagine my cousins wanting a couple of those kids involved in their weddings because of how much like siblings they are. If your fiancé had a situation like this with the sisters friend, and really sees her like a little sister, I could see why he would want her involved. I’d definitely have a conversation with him and just ask him for more info on the situation. I think it’ll help you make your decision (because the Bridesmaids are 100% your decision).
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Savvy November 2020
Marcla · on November 3, 2018 at 3:19 PM
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Ok so boom, I would most definitely have the sister in law in my wedding. But I would honestly sit him down and Express to him that I rather her bestfriend friend be involved in a different way. Its nunthing against her its just I dont kno her an rather people I know be standing up there with me.
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Expert October 2019
Kimberly · on November 3, 2018 at 3:25 PM
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I think who you choose as your bridesmaids is 100% your decision. Those spots are for the family/friends who matter most to you. Those are the people who you couldn't imagine not being there for this moment. I'm sure you wouldn't force someone your FH doesn't know on him, as the groomsmen are his decision.
Try to have a conversation about what the bridesmaids mean to you. The wedding is something you both need to agree on, the location, the size, food, music, etc...but your bridal party is your choice as an individual.
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Maureen · on November 3, 2018 at 3:37 PM
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In the spirit of two becoming one, I wonder why he would even have to ask you about his sister. In my opinion, you should have considered her if not as a bridesmaid but as a junior bridesmaid, without him having to brooch the subject with you. That is something that should have come from you because you care for him and recognize that this is a big day for him as well. For all those stating it is your wedding IT IS NOT the wedding is for both of you, just as a marriage will only be successful if both are committed to it. Now in regards to the best friend go either way with that include or not include, maybe find some other function for her i.e --read a poem, handle seating guests, the guest book.....
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Devoted July 2019
Mrs. Dujmovic · on November 3, 2018 at 6:02 PM
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The bridal party should be your decision, and your fiancé should respect that. I think it's nice to have siblings in the wedding party, but I don't think you should feel forced to have anyone in your bridal party that you do not want.
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