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Latoya
Just Said Yes July 2020

Forced to have the best friend of my future sister in law as a bridesmaid

Latoya, on November 1, 2018 at 6:28 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 44
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Hi all,

So I’m recently engaged and we haven’t even set a date yet. However my fiancé says that his little sister who is 11 years younger than me has to be a bridesmaid as well as her little best friend. Personally I want all my bridesmaids to be adults as they are my best friends, and are expected to attend my hen (bachelorette) party weekend, along with other older friends and it will either be at home (London) or a sunny mini-holiday further afield in Europe. It will now be 6 bridesmaids in total which I think is too much, but as he is used to massive weddings as a part of his culture, he has said it is not enough and I already cut the numbers down from 8.

I understand his sister being a bridesmaid, but I don’t want to have the best friend involved when I don’t know her. Also I would rather have my younger and close cousin (who is an adult) instead as that would be my only family member in my bridal party? He has said that my brother will be one of his groomsmen which is nice, but I doubt he will attend his stag do (bachelor party) as my fiancé and friends are in their 30’s and my brother is in his early 20’s.

Should I be forced to have this extra girl? I doubt she will be involved in any pre-bridemaid duties, she’ll basically just turn up in the dress on the day and be in photos without having helped plan. Should I suggest we veto any siblings in the party, just so that the friend does not have to take part? We can always get her involved in other ways, like a bible reading or song at the ceremony?

Surely your bridesmaids are reserved for people you love dearly? My fiancé must have promised both of them that they will be together as bridesmaids on the day. I don’t mind the sister-in-law at all, it’s just having to be forced to have her friend is unfair, especially as we haven’t officially asked anyone yet.

44 Comments

Latest activity by Colleen, on November 4, 2018 at 9:38 AM
  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
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    You don’t have to have anyone be a bridesmaid you don’t want to be. If he wants them to be in the wedding party he can have them stand on his side. You can choose who you want and he can choose who he wants.
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  • M
    Devoted September 2018
    Mel ·
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    Agreed with this.
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  • Rachel
    Super July 2019
    Rachel ·
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    Your fiancé can have his little sister as a best woman or groomswoman. I find it appalling that he would force you to choose who’s in your bridal party.
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  • Sandy
    Dedicated October 2019
    Sandy ·
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    Whoa! He’s telling you you HAVE to have her & her friend too? That’s way out of line! This is your wedding too and you have a say in who you want your attendants to be. He can ask, suggest, but ultimately it should be up to you.
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  • Latoya
    Just Said Yes July 2020
    Latoya ·
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    Thanks, that is a good idea! I didn’t think about him having them on his side, and besides she could just have her dress designed in the chosen wedding guest material (African attire) instead of being a bridesmaid.
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  • Courtney
    Super September 2019
    Courtney ·
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    No one HAS to be included as your bridesmaid. Who you ask is your decision. I totally understand wanting to listen to his opinions and feelings but it’s your choice. I get wanting to include his sister, definitely don’t get wanting to include her friend you don’t know. It sounds like you need to have a talk with him.
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  • Kayla
    September 2020
    Kayla ·
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    No way!! His sister fine that’s common. But her sisters friend who you don’t know needs to be on his side if anything! His sister can go there too and your brother on yours if he puts the fight! Picking bridal parties and dealing with them are stressful enough without having people you don’t even know!
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  • Kristen
    VIP August 2018
    Kristen ·
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    While he shouldn't be forcing you to pick anyone, I can at least understand his sister. The friend thing is bizarre to me. You definitely need to have a talk with him and tell him that you wouldn't force him to pick particular people and he shouldn't either. If you do give in and have the sister (which, again, I get) you need to put your foot down with the friend. That's ridiculous.


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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    One of the few solo decisions a bride makes, beyond her dress, is who her BM are. The friend is definitely NO. She is an outsider not attached to either of you. If neither of you want little sister to stand up, on her brother's side, give her another role in which she can dress up pretty. If you are having flowers for older women of the party, she could come down the aisle ahead of the bridal party, with corsages in a basket, and present one to grandmothers, great aunts , aunts, MOB, MOG, whoever you designate. That is a midway compromise, a role, being dressed up in a party dress she can wear again, and interacting only with a few family. And I have seen quite a few weddings where a young teen girl sat in front pew with family, and stepped up to take brides bouquet to hold during the ceremony, instead of either giving it to MOH or putting it on a bouquet stand. Not invited to bridesmaid things, though she might come to a family shower as a guest even if other kids do not. Don't be pushed in this, to make her a bridesmaid. She will sense you do not want her.
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  • Mrs. S
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
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    I would stand my ground on this one. If you’re picking battles, this is one I’d pick.
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  • B
    Super March 2019
    Bailey ·
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    He is telling you who you are required to have standing next to you? Absolutely not. I would say if you want them in the wedding so bad they can both be on your side. I’d stick it on this one, because that’s way out of line.

    I could understand him asking if his sister could stand by you, but making you? Nope not happening. Also her best friend.. not a chance.
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  • M
    Super November 2019
    Melissa ·
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    This is weird. I can understand why he wants his little sister in your bridal party, but her best friend that is a complete stranger to you? Hard pass if it was up to me. Does he have ties with her? I really wish it were none of these, but if my husband did this to me, it would make me think that either his little sister has some serious co-dependency issues or someone is hiding something from you.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    Completely agree with this. It's not his decision who gets to stand on your side.

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  • Latoya
    Just Said Yes July 2020
    Latoya ·
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    Haha! Thanks ladies for the comments! The best friend of my future sister in law is like a little sister to him too. They are a pretty close knit community and weddings are a big deal in their culture they normally have 500+ guests at weddings but that is definitely not happening as I want an intimate (and affordable) affair, especially as we will have to have two events, a traditional ceremony the week before and then the white wedding. If it was up to me I would have a small destination wedding on a tropical beach and celebrate it all in the sun. I’m definitely going to say no to the friend, as ultimately it’s my choice and I have to keep the balance between both cultures.
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  • Phelicia
    Devoted September 2019
    Phelicia ·
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    I'm not having anyone in my wedding I dont want. Point blank period. I always figured that was a position for close friends and family
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  • ISaidHallYes
    VIP November 2018
    ISaidHallYes ·
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    Please don’t make anyone force you to have someone as your bridesmaid. She can be on his side of he insists. You should have your best friends on your side. Which is why I have a man of honor! Compromise and come to something you can agree on that keeps you both happy! It’s 2018 and you dont have to have girls and guys on one side!
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  • queenbee
    VIP October 2018
    queenbee ·
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    Your fiancé does not have any say in who you pick as your bridesmaids, just like you don’t get to pick his groomsmen. Bridesmaids are your nearest and dearest, and it’s ridiculous for him to expect you to add people you don’t even know. It’s nice that he’s making your brother a groomsman, and nice that you’re willing to have his sister as a bridesmaid. But don’t feel forced to add anyone that you do not want standing up next to your at your wedding!
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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    I think involving his sister is reasonable. But it's super weird to involve her friend. She isn't a family member, nor a good friend of yours. I would just put your foot down and say no to her friend.

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  • V
    Super April 2019
    Valerie ·
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    I'm honestly more concerned about the part of your post where you state that you don't think his sister deserves the honor of a bridesmaid because she won't be able to help plan and go to the hen party. To quote "she’ll basically just turn up in the dress on the day and be in photos". That is the ONLY job of a bridesmaid - they have no obligation to help plan or go to parties or anything else.

    I would say it is his sister, she should be involved. And if it is his culture that you have large bridal parties and such, then I don't think it is unreasonable to respect part of his culture by including her. You don't have to include the friend. But if your reason to not want to include his sister is because she won't help with parties, then you are definitely in the wrong.

    I also don't agree that the groom gets no say in the bridal party. My FH and I discussed in detail who was going to stand with us - we didn't disagree per say - but we each had the chance to voice our opinions about who we felt should be involved and how they should be involved - regardless of what side they were standing on.

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  • WED18
    July 1993
    WED18 ·
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    No you shouldn't have anyone on your side that is not your nearest and dearest. I don't even think the FSIL should be included on your side. Like other PP mentioned, if he's that adamant that she be included, then she can stand with him. Having the best friend is just ridicules.

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