FMIL skeptical/salty that my parents aren't contributing much

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but good on you for establishing healthy boundaries with your parents! Now to set up boundaries with the in-laws! As long as you and FH are on the same page you'll be fine.

FH needs to have a talk with her to see if he can get her to stop acting like a crazy person. Hopefully she will learn from this and be trainable, but if not she's going to start needing some consequences to her boundary stomps!

"Mom, no one is expected to pay for their children's weddings anymore, it is an outdated way of thinking and no one's parents are obligated to match contributions with the other set of parents or contribute at all for that matter. You have no place in OP's parents finances and if you are going to hold it against them and my future wife, we would prefer that you no longer host the rehearsal dinner. We appreciate your help, but you are also not obligated to pay for anything and we will understand if you decide to cancel."

At 3 months out, I'd imagine you already have most of your vendors coordinated and know where the budget you can afford and have agreed upon is going so you don't have to worry and wonder about any help from your parents. I would not ask them to pay for the wedding, but hey if they happen to give you a a really great wedding card after the fact, I don't think I have a problem with that!

My MIL is also of the old-fashioned opinion that females are the weaker sex and need to be doted on and cared for because their brains just aren't the same. (gag) So surprise surprise that she severely favors girls to the extreme that they have given FH's sister in excess of millions because she deserves to enjoy all of life's luxuries and her delicate little hands shouldn't have to work so hard for herself. And FH? He's a boy so who gives a fuck? Make your own life kid. Makes me ragey they treat their son and daughter so differently. So yeah, they didn't give us a cent for our wedding. Just implied that it was small and shitty and would never be as good as SIL's extravagant affair (which they paid for) Guess who had zero control over our wedding and hates us (me) for it? you guessed it! It was gloriously satisfying to have the wedding we wanted with no one pulling the strings.

I'm in the same boat. My dad will be contributing absolutely nothing and my mom is so temperamental that I don't? think she'll help pay for anything unless I shame her into it (which I don't want to do). My FH's dad will be paying for a third if not half of the wedding. It's not right since my family should be helping out. However, my FH pretty much misled his dad saying my mom is contributing to the wedding so that way his father wouldn't feel some type of way. I will be covering my half of the wedding. My MOH is buying my dress but apart from that, I'm getting no outside help for my half of the costs.

@Sora: nor should you be getting any outside help. And your family should NOT be helping out unless they want to. No one is obligated to pay for your wedding except you and your fiancé. Entitlement much?

We planned a wedding we could afford, and neither of us mentioned money to our parents. We were exceptionally fortunate that both sets of parents did offer to contribute (they both had for our siblings as well) and did so with no strings attached - they each had some guest list requests but we had already planned to invite those people regardless. But we would quite happily have paid for the entire wedding ourselves.

Sora. No. There is no rule that your family should be doing anything.

@Sora, nobody is responsible for contributing to your wedding except for you. Guilting your family into contributing? That's not okay. Your family nor FH's family are obligated to give you a dime.

I don't think parents should be paying for their children's weddings anymore, this isn't the 1950s. I'm not sure I'd even accept the money if it were offered to me by my parents.

You're FMIL needs to butt out. If she's upset about paying for the RD then tell her not to, that you'll pay for it.

Tell FH to get over it. If they can contribute more than they'll let you know! You don't ask.

Also remind FH that your dad has been generous and sent money to pay down your student debt so you don't start your life together drowning in debt.

OP - I commend you for starting in the right place of planning to pay for everything yourselves. Couple of things: (1) have a talk with FH about keeping some things personal just between you and him. Given finances with your parents are a sensitive subject he should not have been discussing the topic with his Mom. (2) it really is not her business whether or not your parents are paying. Whether they are doing the best they can and cannot afford it or you do not want their money due to the strings attached to it at the end of the day it is a deciding you and FH made. She needs to respect it and move on

@kiwiderbybride and @grace I think family should contribute some. It doesn't have to be a lot of money. But even something simple like helping pay for the bouquets or like her FMIL, paying for the rehearsal dinner. It's not entitlement (believe me I've always been the one helping others). Just tradition

@Sora no, just no!

My dad gave us 5k to use for whatever we wanted. His parents asked us if he would give us more...they also wanted to invite 40 friends and then after giving them those seats they had more family to invite that I've never met let alone ever heard mention of.

'It's not entitlement (believe me I've always been the one helping others). Just tradition'

Traditions change. Couples are getting married at later ages and often have already established careers and savings. Collectively my FH and I earn a very reasonable salary. Why should we expect our parents to help out at all?

Ugh my FMIL, the nosiest person I have ever met, asked about what my parents were paying too. It's none of their business whatsoever and it's flat out rude to ask, in my mind. I suggest you say they have a part in the planning and change the subject from there. It's great that the in-laws are helping, but it's not their place to figure out who's money is going where.

You go on planning your wedding the way you want and can afford and don't worry about it. If your parents decide to give you money it's an added bonus if not your wedding is already what you planned. If it bothers your FMIL that is a her problem not yours.

Knock knock....who's there? Nunya. Nunya who? NUNYA BIDNESS!

So inappropriate for fmil to be asking.

it's none of her business and no would should be salty bc your parents aren't required to pay anything

Its none of her business- your FH can just tell her that - very simple.

@JClo, FH didn't bring it up, his mother did. I think she's salty that her son has to spend more of his own money than she thinks he otherwise would have.

FH is hanging on to the conversation where my dad promised to contribute.

@Everyone, I'm beyond grateful my parents have given me money to help chip away at my student loans. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm not grateful.

I think you sound quite grateful that he is helping you chip away at your student loans.

What I was trying to get at earlier is if FH knows this is a touchy subject for you then he should have declined to answer his Mom. No, it's not easy but there are some things my parents ask about myself, or FH, that are off-limits because they are touchy subjects.

I think your dad contributing to your student loan payments would actually be worth more than the same financial contribution to your wedding. Paying off more of the loans now would mean less that you would spend on the interest. I think it's actually saving you and your FH money in the long run.