FMIL skeptical/salty that my parents aren't contributing much

When we first got engaged, my mom had a rough time handling it. Mostly because she’s the type of person that if things don’t go the exact way she’d like it to go, or has planned in her head, she freaks out. She has some control issues. It wasn’t sudden because we’d been dating over 5 years by the time we got engaged.

So after my mom got over the initial shock of our engagement. She called me and in a very cryptic and roundabout way—as is her habit when she’s uncomfortable—asked in what way she and my dad could help us with the wedding. She talked about what her wedding and what her parents paid for, and what my dad’s side paid for. (Edit: she asked what are American customs for weddings, because she's not from the US and her parents did things differently).

After deciphering the conversation with my dad, he translated what she meant, which was she was asking in what way they were going to help. I told my dad (who ultimately holds the purse strings), that we have no expectations that they’d pay and we’re prepared to host our wedding on our own. But, he said, “No, we plan to contribute and be involved and help you out. We’ll discuss it more when we visit you next month.” He also said, "I might write you a check, or if I'm feeling greedy you can put it on my credit card so I can get the airline miles." My parents are accountants, and they were in the midst of tax season, so they didn’t have much time to deal with the engagement or talk about specific money things.

So their visit rolls around, and they come with me dress shopping. A little bit of wedding talk happens, but they never volunteer with “We’ll give you X” or “We want to help you with X, Y, Z, vendors.” I don’t ask, because I don’t want to ask my parents for money—again, boundaries and strings.

They have paid for my dress. My dad has also sporadically sent me some money with the instruction to apply it to my law school loans. It hasn’t directly been with the mention of “I’m gifting you this money so you start your marriage with less student debt” but he hasn’t really sent me money in the past. So the money is not for the wedding per se, and not for the marriage per se. He’s just calling it “deferred tuition.”

Which brings me back to FMIL. FH was chatting with his mom, and FMIL was expressing contempt that my parents have not contributed anything except my dress. FH is hanging on to the conversation that I had with my parents where my dad promised to contribute, and that no money has materialized.

FH knows about my struggles with boundaries from my parents, and my struggles with feeling financially stable/independent from them. He knows it’s not a good idea to accept money from my parents with strings attached.

I’m not sure how to respond to FMIL’s questions. She’s a bit salty that she’s hosting a really nice RD and my parents have only bought my dress. As to FH, do I keep reminding him that my parents money comes with strings, and I don’t want that cloud hanging over our marriage?

Edit: My feeling is that if my dad wanted to write a check for the wedding, he would. I feel uncomfortable following up on it.

It is none of her business how much or how little your parents contribute.....Stick to that.

Your FMIL should not be asking questions about what your mum is contributing. That is super rude and quite frankly none of her business.

I agree with PPs, it's none of her business how much they are contributing. Have a chat with your FH about not talking dollar amounts. If she keeps comparing then tell her that she doesn't have to host for RD and work it into your budget. Although she is being kind to do so, you don't need her turning her nose up at your folks for what their contributions are or aren't.

FH need to shut it down with his mom. Your wedding should not be based on her ideals. You seem very level headed, your FH needs to reiterate to her that you guys will be paying for the wedding.

@Grace, it would be an even bigger insult to her if we took the RD away from her.

That's really rude. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Stand your ground. That's none of their business.

@CoffeeNColor

I am not understanding why you feel uncomfortable bringing this up with your dad. This is not you asking them for money; they already offered that unprompted.

You can be very casual about it by just letting them know that you are booking vendors and if they want the credit card points to chime in now.

Yikes, sorry OP, sounds like you're in between a rock and a hard place on that. I would still have FH talk to his mom about it. She has no business comparing her contributions to that of your folks, it's petty and rude of her. If she makes a point to say anything further to you then say that they are contributing enough and you don't wish to compare bottom line figures. Thank her for her gracious contribution, but assure her if she feels like she's doing more than her fair share then you would be happy to contribute to help cover the cost of the RD. Something along those lines would really make me re-evaluate my attitude and shut me up.

@Kirackle, the funny thing is 90% of our vendors prefer check, because they can't stand the merchant fees and service charges. So the offer to put it on the credit card is a non-issue.

Or they pass the fees onto the clients. I was initially giving that practice side-eye, but it seems to be the custom in my area. At the wedding shows we've been to, most of the vendors there stated that they prefer check and if we wanted to pay with CC, it would cost us more.

Your FMIL is way out of line and rude. The amount that your parents do or do not contribute to your wedding is none of her business. It's great that she "likes" the tradition of bride's parents paying, but unless it's her own daughter, this has nothing to do with her and she should not be commenting on how other people spend money. Your FH should be shutting down the conversation when she mentions it.

@Coffee

Oh yeah quite a few vendors are wanting to be paid in actual "greenbacks" in their words. Usually, this is accompanied by a deep discount. Willful ignorance to tax fraud is soooo tempting.

Your FMIL is way out of line. I would say to her, well so glad you guys are traditional, so I will not be working after the wedding.

It's none of her business.

It's none of your FILs business how much your parents do or do not contribute to your wedding. When we were in the early stage of planning, my parents told FH and I they were going to give us a check for X amount of money, no strings attached. FH's parents wanted to pay for the traditional parents of the groom stuff, but they also wanted to make sure they were not paying less than my parents. I told FH that my parents are private with their finances (which they are), and that I didn't think we should tell his parents how much mine were contributing. They were annoyed at first when FH wouldn't tell them how much my parents gave us, but eventually they became ok with not knowing. It turns out both sets of contributions are about even (they don't know that though), but we just didn't want his parents to feel pressured to give more, or feel bad if my parents gave more.

Just have your FH keep reiterating to his parents that this is really none of their business, and that you have this all taken care of. If they keep asking, change the subject.

Your FMIL offered to pay for the RD, she shouldn't worry about what anyone else is doing or not doing. She needs to mind her business.

Your parents know you're planning a wedding and obviously making payments to vendors. If they wanted to give you money they would. I in no way ask for money from them.

You said yourself boundaries and strings. Forget it.

Your dad has generously sent you money for school. I think that's pretty awesome.

Tell FH to tell his mom to not worry about other people's pocketbooks.

@coffee oh my. This is rough. I completely understand where you are coming from with parents who can hold things against you or usually at a price later. There are three things that are important to remember in this situation. 1. Open communication between you and your FH is absolutely crucial. If you don't want to accept money from your family, then he needs to shut it down with your FMIL. 2. It is absolutely no ones business but your own and FH with regards to finances to the wedding. Comparing RD to whatever other costs is silly and ridiculous. 3. Your wedding day will be perfect no matter what you decide. You could decide to let your parents financially contribute or not. The choice is yours. Ultimately, you and your wedding will be beautiful because you will be marrying your best friend. Keep your focus on your upcoming marriage and try not to get too down by the excess. Much love.

I don't think what your parents do have anything to do with what you're FMIL does for you. I am not sure why she feels anyway about this.

Seems like Fmil needs to learn boundaries too.

It's not her place to judge/approve your parent's contributions. She needs to stay in her lane.

I'm sure you and FH are hosting a nice affair.

I have a similar situation but its FH asking. FMIL is paying for the catering, DJ and bought all the centerpiece deco. (Sm wedding so all that is under 2k) She also want s to go shopping for the arch deco. FH was asking if my parents were gonna pay for anything. My parents dont have money like FIL do, plus this is my 2nd marriage, FH 1st. I feel bad but its not like we have asked anyone to help pay, FMIL insists.