fmil freaking out !!!!

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Alyrae, with what you've shared, it sounds like you have some significant challenges and I give you a lot of credit for all you are trying to do. However, I agree that you might need some help thinking through your dreams and goals, to figure out, realistically, how you might go about achieving them. It takes a lot of time, money, and effort to build a home from scratch; that's not to say it won't be possible, but there is probably more to it than you've thought about. If you and FH marry, it sounds like you and your children are going to have to be able to depend on him to do what is best for your family. If he's currently "too stubborn" to believe that he's going to need a full time job, I think that's a good indication he's not mature enough yet to consider getting married. You started this post with your concerns that HIS mom doesn't think it's a good idea for you to get married now. Next to you, she probably knows him best. If she doesn't think he's ready to get married, I'd encourage you to take her concerns into account. Love is wonderful, but after being married for more than 32 years, I can absolutely tell you it is not anywhere near enough to make a marriage work. Both partners have to be committed to working hard every day -- in and outside their home -- to provide all that a family needs in terms of both material and emotional support. Again, I hope you have the opportunity to talk with a counselor about your situation and goals; they can help you see some of the small steps you can start with right now to put you on the path to one day achieving your bigger plans. Good luck to you.

Sooo If i were you i would do a commitment ceremony instead of a wedding. You can get promise rings and promise your love together and build a future for yourselves and then a wedding.
I would work on focusing to drive and housing and then your marriage

We also wanted to do an appartment fund so instead of people giving us gifts they will give us money for an appartment or a house

What's the rush?

Slow it down you don't NEED to be married to show your commitment for each other its a bit immature, wait until you are both financially stable enough to live on your own. You really aren't ready for marriage if you're both still living with your parents. Take a breath continue to be engaged and once you have the means to make it on your own then take the next step.

View Quoted Comment What about when that money is gone? You're thinking too short-term. I have to agree with the others and your FMIL. If your FH isn't willing to get a full-time job or have second part-time job, maybe he isn't ready to take on the responsibility of a wife, house, and bills. All of those are huge things that are incredibly difficult to figure out month to month.

View Quoted Comment Let’s put some numbers in there. Let’s say you find an apartment for $500 per month (where I’m from this gets you a studio in a bad area but I know rent varies regionally). In order to move in to most apartments, you need first, last, and security. At every apartment I’ve rented, the security deposit has been equal to 1 month’s rent. Let’s say you sign a 6 month lease. You’ll owe $1,500 up front, but then you’ll still have to come up with $2,000 in those other months. Even if you got all the upfront money in gifts, where is the other 2k coming from?

I understand the desire to get married when you are in love. But it is important to make sure you have your life organized before you take that huge step. FH and I have been together for 7.5 years. We wanted to get married so long ago, but we were still working on setting up our lives. I graduated undergrad, he got out of the military and finished his undergrad. We both got full time jobs so we have insurance, can support ourselves, etc. When we get married this June we will both have just finished our Masters.


Not trying to brag about our accomplishments at all. But all of that combined took 7 years and we knew we would not be ready to get married until we finished those goals. Now we know we can afford to get married without compromising on the important things in life. Getting married is amazing, but it is not more important than becoming financially independent. You can be engaged but just have a very long engagement until you can afford everything.

Getting married is an adult decision, and until you are financially independent, I don’t feel you are able to make that kind of decision responsibly. Please don’t take this to mean I don’t think you are an adult. What I mean is that you still have important steps to take in life before getting married.

I know you said you are comfortable where you work, and looking for another job gives you anxiety, however that’s part of life. Changes are scary, but necessary. If you don’t make a lot at your job, you need to begin to look for another job, or look at going to school so you can get a better paying job you are happy with. Unless you plan to live with your parents forever, this seems like a necessary step.
Marriage will always be an option, there is no need to rush.

Are you seeking treatment for the conditions you listed or attempting to qualify for disability? If your future husband isn't willing to get a full time job, are you investigating and pursuing the steps you'd need to take to facilitate a move from your current role to one that is more lucrative or stable?

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This is very solid and wise advice.

I would also like to add that if you aren't already seeing a mental health professional to help manage your anxiety disorder, then that should be a top priority. With proper therapy and potentially medication there's a high probability that you will be able to manage your mental illness and therefore be able to move on to better employment opportunities and work full time. This is coming from someone who is diagnosed with PTSD and in mental health treatment myself, so no judgement. But if your anxiety is effecting you so severely that it is preventing you from working full time and also preventing you from working any place other than where you work currently, then it is effecting not only your quality of life, but those closest to you as well.

View Quoted Comment Actually yes my mom and grandpa both have construction experience and so do i .... and i mean like they used to build houses .... so ya i dont mind the time wait on building .... and most tiny homes r sometimes morgage free cause u build them yourself .... all u have to worry about is land and i might have already found that ..... and we know the people who own the land so we might be able to get a deal on it zoneing laws are easy to look up too. So building is a possibility. And would be a home 900 square feet or less

So how do you intend to get to the building site? With the materials, or even heavy tools? Any homes that are mortgage free is because people paid cash for the land (even if they got a deal on the land) and materials (even if they supplied their own labor). If you have the ability to build your own home, why don't you look for a job in construction, or even at Home Depot? Everytime you come back with a proposed "solution" it sounds like a dream to me, not a plan, and likely to your FMIL. As PP has said, get help for your medical condition, and then I would say, you and FH need to work on your job situation.

View Quoted Comment I take abilify for my illnesses .... but the autism likes to strike me at the worst times .... i am not a people person my anxiety goes up so high and i cant handle the situation.... i have no idea how to use a computer but i can learn .... but we dont have any computers in my house

I don't mean for this to sound harsh, but it sounds like your fiance is lazy not stubborn. If your disabilities prevent you from working full time that is understand, but it doesn't sound like he has a valid reason. I agree with your FMIL and others who have expressed concern about you getting married. If you and your fiance cannot support yourselves and daughter without the help of family, then you really shouldn't be getting married yet. Finances can kill a relationship so I would definitely recommend being financially independent first. Sadly, the answers you have given don't sound like you really have a plan that would actually work.

Why are you trying to get married in February?

I agree with a lot of PPs here. Is there a reason you are looking to get married before you have the means and a plan in place?

Too many red flags way too many!

#1 Whats the rush? Take time to be engaged and enjoy it?

#2 I must confirm but you are engaged already? Ring and all?

#3 With what money did you book your venue? Is your wedding to be paid by you as a couple? Or are your parents paying for that as well?

#4 Considering your illness and anxiety isn't planning to build a home from the ground up a little much to take on with such a condition? Is your FH assisting you with this project?

#5 How much does a piece of land in your area cost where you can build a home? I'm from California so its very difficult to see how these things are possible with little to no money.

#6 How many people will you invite to your wedding?

These are just a few things I was wondering of that would make the story a bit more clear. It wasn't until we got married that my hubby saw what it really takes to a buy a house and now thats what we're working to. But we did not get engaged until we both had strong and stable jobs and income and didn't get married until we were able to afford it on our own. When you choose to start your life with someone you need to be a strong individual in order to be a strong unit. It seems like your significant other is not 100% ready to take the next step which is fine, growing strong together means you both have to be on the same page and want the same things or else your goals will be different. I recommend to wait and grow until your FH is more stable and are on the same page.