Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Savvy November 2019

fmil dress issues

Flag
Hide content

Kali, on July 28, 2019 at 11:23 PM

We were at dinner and my FMIL dropped a bomb that she purchased her dress without going shopping or coordinating with me on colors, styles etc. So I politely asked her if I could see a picture to make sure it didn’t clash (we are having a dream Disney wedding with 18people total, pictures are expensive and I just want everyone to look their best) it was bright red, low cut and super short. My bridesmaid dresses are dusty blue and we hadn’t even gotten my moms dress yet. I suggested she wear that another wedding even since she liked it so much and we go shopping together to find something. Later on my groom made me out to be the bad guy and said I hurt her feelings and made dinner awkward. We are from different cultures, but I clarified from the beginning we would discuss styles and colors. She returned it and kept asking me colors to wear. So I finally got my mothers dress and I kept trying to make a time to go shopping with my FMIL. I set up an appt and she said she was “busy” that day and didn’t even end up doing anything as she asked my groom if we would come for lunch. Do I just give up and let her wear what she wants? I feel like I’ve tried to make an effort to include her, she just isn’t receptive on anything. Was I in the wrong to ask her not to wear that dress and let me help pick one out?

Show all

34 Comments

VIP October 2020
Kelly · on July 29, 2019 at 11:13 AM
Flag

Hide content
Personally I'm dictating what everyone wears. Parents, siblings, grandpa. Photos are expensive and I will want photos with our bridal party and parents as both of our families tend to take photos of the entire group. That being said everyone expects it as it is what our parents did when they got married. In my area the mother of bride gets her outfit first and mother of the groom follows her advice, so for me this situation is rude. Where you mentioned she is of a different culture she may not understand your expectations or what is considered the norm for you. You should maybe adjust your expectations accordingly.
I think you should suggest a color but you can't really pick much more than that. I'd honestly be more upset with the fiance for thinking you're the bad guy here. If he can't mediate now he'll never do it later, and you don't want that.
- Reply
Champion October 2018
Kelly · on July 29, 2019 at 11:31 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Usually you wouldn’t tell guests a dress code. They would go by the formality of your invites, venue, and time of wedding to know what to wear.
- Reply
Expert October 2017
Florida Marlins · on July 29, 2019 at 11:40 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

I agree - my parents had passed and hubby's parents could not travel for our wedding, but for my first wedding day I did not know what either mom showed up in - I did not care.
Let this go - people are more important than photos. If someone told me what to wear I would wonder if I was a guest or a prop. I have two college aged sons and if a future DIL told me what to wear, well.......it would not help with the bonding.
- Reply
Dedicated October 2019
Yobana · on July 29, 2019 at 12:08 PM
Flag

Hide content
I really dont have a close bond with my FMIL and she already asked what I would like her to wear, (she doesnt have the best taste) lol but I offered to go with her to find her dress, we are 2 months from the wedding and she hasnt had "time" and I'm stressing she might pick a bright color (per usual) I dont want her to be standing out on my day ugh
- Reply
Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on July 29, 2019 at 1:00 PM
Flag

Hide content
As PPs said, I'd let this go. If FMIL looks ridiculous in photos, that's a reflection on her - not you!
- Reply
Lady · on July 29, 2019 at 3:06 PM
Flag

Hide content
You definitely were in the wrong to tell her she couldn't wear that dress. Just leave it alone. She clearly does not want your opinion so I think you should leave it alone unless she asks your opinion.
- Reply
Beginner April 2020
Kesha · on July 29, 2019 at 3:54 PM
Flag

Hide content
I say this is the one day you are able to politely dictate and ask for her to wear something that fits in with the theme and style of your wedding. My FMIL said she wanted to start looking for dresses so I just sent colors she could choose from and the attire category. Ours are Navy blue, silver, blush, and sangria purple. She picked out a navy blue formal gown that was close to what my bridesmaids are wearing. At first I was like, ehhh she looks like bridesmaid but I had to consider that this was the first time she felt beautiful in a dress because she's lost 65lbs since december 2018. I met in the middle by saying we could get her a bolero or long shall cause it is in November. I think you just have to stand firm in what you're asking but also remain respectful. Unfortunately if she doesn't like it then that is her issue not yours.
- Reply
Expert January 2020
Abby · on July 29, 2019 at 4:11 PM
Flag

Hide content
I get y’all saying it’s her that will look bad and all. But she’s paying for pictures. You don’t want people to look bad!! You tell people attire and if it’s a small wedding you will have lots of pictures with that person (the only way to get around this is to not have them in pics. Which can cause problems). Also if she sees (FMIL) that the brides mom looks really nice she (FMIL) may get upset cause she isn’t dressed as nice. This is her wedding she’s paying for stuff. If she doesn’t want her to look bad and wants her to match then she should be able to say that.
- Reply
Expert May 2016
needmorewine · on July 29, 2019 at 6:51 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

If someone cares that much about how pictures look then they should just hire models to pose for the pictures and pay for their wardrobe.
People are not picture props, stop treating them like they are.
- Reply
Expert January 2020
Abby · on July 29, 2019 at 6:55 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
But people can dress appropriately. And the dress she said she was going to wear is inappropriate. She’s not treating them like props. No need to be rude. It’s her wedding and she wants people to look nice. Everyone wants a perfect wedding and things to look perfect. So if she wants people to dress appropriately then she can surely ask them to.
Happy wedding planning 😊
- Reply
Savvy November 2019
Kali · on July 29, 2019 at 7:19 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Thank you, everyone can rest assured no one is being treated like props at my wedding. I’ve discussed the dress twice her. Once when she brought it up to begin with and once when I made the dress appointment. (When she asked colors I just said I was still deciding between a few and would let her know, I don’t count that) so I just came on here to get other points of view. So I’m glad someone else sees that’s not me treating someone like a prop, it’s more like when you get family pictures and coordinate. I seriously thought picking mother’s dresses was a thing, as I’ve said before everyone I know has done that. I think for now I’m going to not bring it up until she does as I feel like I tried to make it a joint experience and make a fun day of it but she made it very clear she wasn’t interested.
- Reply
Expert January 2020
Abby · on July 29, 2019 at 7:22 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Everyone I know including me has chosen the parents clothes. Especially since they are in family pictures and a lot of photos in general for the wedding.
Good luck and I hope she ends up picking out something better and matches everyone else!
Hope all goes well for you I know planning is rough! 😊😊
- Reply
Savvy November 2019
Kali · on July 29, 2019 at 7:24 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Yes! Good luck to you as well it will be here before we know it!
- Reply

Master August 2019
CourtneyBrittain · on July 29, 2019 at 8:44 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

I totally understand this POV, but I also see where your FMIL is coming from. I would apologize to her, and tell her that you thought it would be nice for everyone to coordinate. If she pushes back, it's up to you on what to say and decide, but for me I would ultimately want my FMIL or whoever to be happy and comfortable.
- Reply