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Just Said Yes October 2019

Fiance' wants to invite one of his exes

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Violet, on October 15, 2019 at 4:55 PM

My fiance' wants to invite one of his exes. He has not seen her in a long time. She has a boyfriend who is coming as well. I am trying to not be the jealous type, but part of me feels so strange having someone who my soon to be husband was so close to and intimate with at our wedding. He says there are absolutely no old feelings between them, he simply feels that she was there for him during a very difficult tome in his life and that they are great friends. I just cant seen to shake the jealousy. I fear that the focus of the evening could turn into them reminiscing on the past instead of focusing on our special night. He also wants to let them stay at the air bnb that we are staying at the night before and after the wedding (some of our other friends are staying as well.) I already told him that it was fine, but I have also expressed my fears and anxiety about the situation. He insists I do not need to be worried about anything and thinks her and I will get along. Am I silly for feeling this way?

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27 Comments

VIP July 2018
AQuixoticBride · on October 16, 2019 at 3:39 PM
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The root of jealousy is insecurity. So while your feelings are valid and understandable, they are ultimately about you. My husband had friends he hadn't seen in *years* because of distance at our wedding and that I hadn't met. And, yes, they spent time together and I spent time with them too. This didn't diminish our enjoyment of our wedding weekend at all, didn't make it less special (I'd argue it made it more so), and I was happy to see him connecting with people who are special to him that he doesn't get to see much at all. Just as you'd like your FH to respect your feelings, you should respect his feelings that this is a person who is important to him.
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Super November 2021
Alejandra · on October 16, 2019 at 4:14 PM
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Ultimately what you feel is more important as opposed to the advice we give you here. That being said, I wouldn’t be okay with her coming to the wedding, and certainly not staying with us. It’s weird. I understand the anxiety that you get - I truly do. I do think focusing on how healthy your relationship is can help, but I don’t think it’s the only solution. The best solution is to not have her there (if you’re truly not comfortable with her there) and work towards being more comfortable with having her around after the stress of the wedding is over. Do you guys hang out with her regularly? I know you said she lives far away, but outside of that, have the three of you hung out before?
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Super November 2021
Alejandra · on October 16, 2019 at 4:21 PM
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Yes! This! Not to put thoughts into your head, Violet, but as much as I trust my FH, if he was insisting an ex come to our wedding and stay in the same air bnb I would start questioning if there was some ulterior motive. Just saying. I don’t THINK there is, with you guys, but I am also a child of divorce, so my anxieties about this sort of stuff are always there.
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Super March 2020
Desiree · on October 16, 2019 at 8:28 PM
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Listen, here's an unpopular opinion, but here it goes. THAT IS WEIRD!!!! I'm sorry, but my little lady instinct is kicking in too, and red flags would be going up for me as well.
Let's assume the best, nothing is going on between them, nothing bad is happening, no feelings or anything... It is still downright inappropriate for her to be there. Maybe I just come from the south, and everything is about manners around here, but someone would have my head on a stick if I suggested something as ignorant as that. (Just my opinion, I know a lot of people on here will have something else to say, but just being honest...)
I wouldn't start a fight over it obviously, but I'd put my foot down and say no...
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Super March 2020
Desiree · on October 16, 2019 at 8:44 PM
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Just want to applaud you on this comment, very well put. Any and all stress should be nixed at the source before it can make a very special day, a negative one in any way. It's just worth it.
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Super March 2020
Desiree · on October 16, 2019 at 8:45 PM
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Amen. I completely agree with this.
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Devoted February 2020
Allyson · on October 16, 2019 at 8:47 PM
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Thank you!!! I totally agree with your comment as well. We are definitely on the same page.
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