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Beginner December 2020

Fiancé inviting far too many guests...

Victoria, on August 15, 2019 at 8:59 PM Posted in Planning 1 21

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Hi! I’m a recently engaged and we are just now starting the planning process. I’m already experiencing quite a bit of stress though, due to the fact that my fiancé is expecting a MUCH bigger wedding that I. On top of that, his family expects my parents to pay, as he said it is “traditional”, but that his parents would chip in for the rehearsal and stuff. Now some back story on my parent’s situation: we experienced a family tragedy 2 years ago and my parents didn’t work for a year. They also had to uproot and move to a different city, while still keeping their home and bills in my hometown. Not to mention that my parents have never been good with money to begin. So as I anticipated, I called my mom today and she said they can’t afford to pay. She was in tears and even offered to give us their tax check next year to help. Now I feel bad for making my parents feel sad, AND my future father in law thinks he can have my father’s number to call and discuss money. I believe my fiancé and I could afford a smaller wedding of maybe 75 on our own, but he insists that he HAS to invite his whole extended family, which is very large. Cousins he hasn’t seen in years, old childhood neighbors and all of their children,
childhood friends. He is thinking 200 people; I only have 34 to invite. I’ve expressed my concerns, but he said everyone was invited to
both of his older siblings weddings, and they must come to ours. Most of these people, I’ve never even met! This isn’t how I wanted planning the happiest day of our lives to be, and it seems like I am the only one of us experiencing stress. Any advice on how to go about addressing this? With my FILs too? Is it any of their business how much my parents can or cannot attribute? Thanks, ladies.

- one stressed fiancé

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21 Comments

Latest activity by Nicole, on August 17, 2019 at 11:44 PM

Devoted September 2019
McKenzie · on August 15, 2019 at 9:10 PM
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I would be extremely blunt with your FH and tell him that you will not be discussing money with your parents again and that if a large wedding is a must for him, financing it will have to happen a different way.
I would personally be so incredibly uncomfortable if my FFIL tried to discuss money with my dad for the wedding, especially when they are not in the position to foot the bill. It would be even more upsetting that my FH couldn't respect my family enough to compromise, or at least not push the bill on them.
Can FH's family foot the bill? Postpone the reception until you and FH could pay for a big wedding?
Sorry you are going through this!
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Master December 2019
Courtney · on August 15, 2019 at 9:13 PM
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Your FH and his family are certainly stepping over the line here. I would suggest laying your concerns out now with your FH. Your family can't help and you as a couple can't afford much. Either FHs family pitches is for the entirety of their guest list, or you keep it to where you want it.
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Beginner December 2020
Victoria · on August 15, 2019 at 9:16 PM
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My FH family is well to do and could easily help more. They said they will help, but they expect my family to pay for the wedding for the most part, because it’s tradition. He said both of his sister in law’s families paid, and his father called their fathers to discuss what they could afford. I’m extremely uncomfortable with that, because I know that will be embarrassing and probably degrading for my own father.
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VIP October 2020
Samantha · on August 15, 2019 at 9:22 PM
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Your FH and FILs are putting you in a really tough spot and it’s not fair to you. As McKenzie said, you do need to make it very clear that your parents are not an option and that you absolutely will not discuss it with them again nor is it acceptable for FILs to reach out. FH needs to compromise on the guest list or come up with the money, whether that’s through his family or delaying the engagement.
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Devoted October 2020
8Bitbek · on August 15, 2019 at 9:39 PM
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Some traditions are outdated and should be broken. This is one of them.
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on August 15, 2019 at 9:41 PM
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You need to sit down with your FH and have a very serious conversation. If he can't empathize and understand your family's financial situation and that your wedding planning is different from that of his siblings, you have a big problem. Planning a wedding is one of the first looks at the difficult conversations/scenarios you will face as a married couple. He needs to have your back on this. Your parents don't have the money, and it is unfair to try to make them pay money they do not have because of "tradition." It's also traditional to have a dowry. Do your future in-laws wants some goats and chickens too? While compromise in a relationship is super important, this is one of those times you need to stand your ground. Your parents paying for anything is not on the table, and he needs to respect that and politely convey that to his parents. We had a slightly similar situation, where my parents struggle financially and his are well-off, but my parents did have some cash stashed away to help out with some of the expenses. However, my husband supported me when we told his parents that mine cannot contribute the way they can.

Good luck! I really hope things turn themselves around. I remember how nervous and anxious I felt when my FIL mentioned my parents paying for half (or a third) of the wedding. I can only imagine how you are feeling.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on August 15, 2019 at 9:44 PM
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That would make me really upset, too. FH's parents shouldn't be expecting your parents to pay for the entire wedding, even when they want 200 people. 200 people is huge! Have an honest discussion with FH and explain that this tradition of brides' parents paying is outdated. If he can't respect your parent's financial situation, that's a major red flag there!
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Expert July 2019
Mary · on August 15, 2019 at 10:08 PM
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Agree with all the previous posts. I'm so sorry you are in this situation! You should communicate with your FH in terms of what the expectations should be for the wedding. Your family is not in a position to contribute and it shouldn't fall on them to do so. Saying it is "tradition" to have the bride's family pay would have made me livid. The two of you need to be on the same page first and foremost. Should he come around, I would suggest that he communicate this expectation clearly to his family. Are the two of you financially established? Either you have the wedding that the two of you can afford without their help (which may limit the number of guests your FH originally wanted) or they help pay for the large wedding.
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Beginner December 2020
Victoria · on August 15, 2019 at 10:32 PM
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Thanks for all the replies. We are not financially established- we are finishing our last year of college. I am not paying for school though, so my money can go towards the wedding. Not the wedding he is expecting though. I would also be okay with a two year engagement- he doesn’t want that though.
I talked to him and told him how unfair it is to put that on my family and explained the situation they are in. He reassured me not to stress about it, and that he will see what his parents will
contribute. I know his parents though, and they are going to be difficult and want to know what my parents can contribute.
At this point, I’m torn between wanting to have a longer engagement and pay for it ourselves or accepting help from his parents but having to be very blunt with them about my parent’s business.

I have a good relationship with my FILs right now and I’m afraid this might shake that a bit.
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Master September 2020
Nicole · on August 15, 2019 at 10:45 PM
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I think a simple, but straightforward "my parents are not in a position to financially help with the wedding" is enough. No need to explain the why behind it because it's truly not your FILs business. It's important that your FH is 100% in the same corner as you on this so that he can support you during this discussion with his parents. It's most likely going to be uncomfortable, but if it hurts your relationship with your FILs, that says more about them than it does you. It's either going to have to be the smaller wedding that you and your FH can afford, a longer engagement to save up funds, or a larger wedding that is helped considerably by his parents. Best of luck in the conversation!
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on August 16, 2019 at 1:55 AM
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I would be absolutely furious if my fiance were acting like this. Your poor mother!
First, your parents have zero obligation to pay for your wedding. Most couples pay for their own wedding.
Second, your fiance is acting rude and entitled. He doesn't get to invite 200 people and expect someone else to pay for it. Your parents are not an ATM. Did he take 5 minutes to consider their finances? Does he care at all?
Third, you need to set boundaries NOW. Your FFIL does not get to call your father up to talk about money. Your parents are not giving you their tax check.
Fourth, your fiance needs to compromise and have a wedding that fits your vision as well, rather than defaulting to a "tradition" that favors him, and blowing up the guest list with people you don't want there. This guy seems to be my way or the highway.

I personally would have serious reservations about marrying this man and into this family. You're already letting them walk all over you and your family. I am especially turned off by your fiance's expectation that his future in laws pay for the 200 guests he wants, with so little consideration for what your wants.
I hope you recognize this for the red flag it is. Truly. Talk this out with him. I hope he is more receptive than your post makes him out to be. Best of luck.
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Super February 2020
Jeanie · on August 16, 2019 at 2:58 AM
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Oh boy. Sounds like you need to be a little more direct with telling your FH and his parents that your parents will not be paying for your wedding. First off, no one is responsible for paying for a wedding except for the couple who is marrying. I thought most people had accepted that, or at least understood that the brides parents are not financially responsible. Your FH at least needs to understand what you’re saying about paying for the wedding and what you are envisioning, and if he is refusing to listen you may have other problems. I wish you luck.
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Dedicated August 2020
Tara · on August 16, 2019 at 6:10 AM
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The whole “traditional” argument is BS to me. 🙄 I was in a similar situation when we first got engaged. FH’s family was also traditional and expected that my family would pay (it’s honestly all they’ve ever known and how everyone in their family has done things). I knew my fam would help, but I would NEVER expect my parents to pay for MY wedding. Luckily my fiancé 100% agreed. We had a talk and told them that while my family would be contributing they would NOT be paying for the whole wedding. We told them that if they wanted to contribute we’d of course be grateful, but if they really felt so strongly about “tradition” than that was totally fine/their opinion and we didn’t need their help. I guess our talk struck a cord with them, because after that we didn’t hear anything else about it, and both his parents and grandparents contributed without us even asking. Sometimes you just have to be blunt, in your case with your future in laws and FH. I think you should have a serious convo with your FH about this and let him know that your parents aren’t paying/shouldn’t have to, which means that you guys are going to have to figure out your budget and what kind of wedding you can have that will be affordable for the both of you. After he’s on your side and starts to understand, I think he should confront his parents and let them know how it’s going to be. Sorry you’re going through this, hopefully it all works out!
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Devoted June 2019
C R · on August 16, 2019 at 7:35 AM
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First....that tradition has become so eroded over time to the point where I wouldn’t call it a current tradition.

Second....if they insist on following the old school traditions, then they must also recognize that tradition dictates that whoever pays, plans. Your future in-laws would get NO say in how anything is done. So...if you have to accommodate 200 people, it’s pizza in someone’s backyard. Period. You can’t have it both ways.

Third....it is the height of rudeness to make someone else’s finances your business, or impose yourself, however passive-aggressively, on their means. And basic manners never go out of style.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Stand your ground.
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Beginner December 2020
Victoria · on August 16, 2019 at 8:21 AM
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FH talked to his father last night. I wanted to not have either side know how much the other is or is not contributing. So FH asked FFIL how much he planned on contributing and told him that we are concerned about the price of a large guest list. FFIL wouldn’t give us a number and asked for a number from my parents. He said based on that number, we would know how many people we can invite. He also told my FH to talk to his married brothers and get their guest list from their wedding to get an idea of how many family members we have to invite. 🙃 As much as I didn’t want to, I we suppose we are going to have to tell them my family cannot contribute anything.
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September 2019
Lorri · on August 16, 2019 at 8:28 AM
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I would like to know what the hell is wrong with people and why do weddings seem to bring out the crazy in people?!!
No, it NOT okay for your In Laws to demand that many people and then demand that your parents pay for it!!! Would people just invite over 150 people to someone else's party? NO, so I dont understand what makes a wedding so different that it is okay to do it there.
You need to have a SERIOUS talk with your FH and set the boundaries now, or there will be serious issues in the future.
And NO it is none of their business how much your family can afford, and him calling your parents to basically bully them into paying BEYOND belief!!
Ughhh, I just cant with people sometimes!!!
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Beginner December 2020
Victoria · on August 16, 2019 at 9:01 AM
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My FH did let me know that he is on my side and that he wouldn’t mind even a courthouse wedding, as long as he is marrying me. So now it’s just us having to deal with FILs.
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Dedicated June 2021
KimandLarry · on August 16, 2019 at 10:08 AM
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Stand up to them now or you will be bending to what they want for the rest of your married life. As the pp's have said, this is a huge red flag on you fh. He should be taking your side and standing up to his parents.
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Dedicated October 2021
Emily · on August 16, 2019 at 11:03 AM
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I am so sorry you are going through this! Never in a million years did my fiance and I want our parents to pay for our wedding. It's our party so we should pay for it. In my opinion, couples should not get married if they are not yet financially stable enough to put on their own wedding. If one's family is willing to pay for the wedding, then accept the generous gift, but no one should be guilted to pay for another's wedding. I think you and your fiance need to have a serious talk about where you both stand about the subject. As of right now, you both see your wedding very differently. This will need to be discussed until you both agree.
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Master October 2019
Jolie · on August 16, 2019 at 2:04 PM
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So there is a huuuuge gap between 74 and 200. I think he might be being unreasonable here and not hearing you out. I think meeting somewhere in the middle at 100-110 would be fair. Childhood neighbors would be a no-go for me and extended cousins. He can't compare his siblings weddings to yours as you are a different person from them. His parents are being over the line too. You can't expect someone else's family to pay for something that they expect to invite all these people to. Definitely going to have to get the point across that your parent's can't contribute therefore you can only invite immediate family and close friends to keep the list within the budget.
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