C
Dedicated September 2019

Fiance has bad depression. doesn't see the point in life as 'we die anyway' - i'm feeling helpless and unable to cope.

charley, on October 5, 2018 at 7:39 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 19
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my fiance has always suffered with depression since he was 16. He has to take sertraline tablets daily because his body cannot produce enough serotonin. He had 5 really good months of not taking them and on monday, he relapsed.

he started having bad anxiety attacks because he gets really horrible thoughts that when he dies , he is just simply...dead as in...he doesn't live on at all. he's buried and thats his life over. the anxiety attack is the dread of this happening and not being here.

The thoughts are now always with him, at first it happened once and now and again but now it's all he thinks about.

He used to use the laptop and phone to distract him but now he just sleeps as that's the only time he stops thinking about it.

He calls his mum and talks on facebook to her or his friends but never to me. he doesn't talk to me or want me around. the only thing he has said is "i love you" but doesn't say much else. he ignores me or just scoffs when i try to make conversation. this morning he had a bad attack whilst i was downstairs do the washing up so much he was shaking and in tears but he didn't come to me ; he rang his mum .

He doesn't want to eat , he hasn't showered for a little over a week.

We haven't spoke to each other properly since wednesday. for the last 3 days it's been silence although a few hours ago , he broke down to me today saying because he's so panicked about the thought of him just dying which we obviously cannot stop, he doesn't see the point of the future or living because of the fact we will all just die. he doesn't see purpose or a reason in life other than to "live and die" .


i can't do anything to make this better , now i know truly how he feels.

He hasn't done anything stupid but it scares me , the way he's thinking.

I'm not close to my family & they don't understand . they just think hes being stupid or silly. i have no friends close by and not really got any one i talk to and so i feel isolated.

I feel helpless.

Sorry i honestly want to help him through but it's so difficult when he shuts me out i understand but as his fiance i wish he'd come to me.

It's starting to affect my mental health too. and i feel so guilty and selfish

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19 Comments

Latest activity by CountryRoads, on October 6, 2018 at 8:45 PM
  • J
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Jaralyn ·
    • Flag
    Im so sorry to hear that. It really sounds like you both should see a professional counselor before anything else. Mental health takes priority over wedding planning and should definitely be taken seriously. There are lots of free resources available as well to help with people battling depression. When a person is broken inside they can't take care of themselves in a healthy way let alone someone else. Get help! Sending love to you both.
    • Reply
  • Btbride
    Super August 2019
    Btbride ·
    • Flag
    Wait, he was doing well without taking his meds, and then relapsed.... is he taking them now?? Priority number one is getting him to a doctor ASAP so he can get back on his meds (or get new ones), and work out a treatment plan. Priority number two is not to forget to take care of yourself and absolutely do not feel selfish for needing any support in this time. Oftentimes, people whose partners have depression or other mental health issues can end up losing themselves in being the other person’s caretaker and always putting their needs first; do not do that. Your needs are important too and you can support and help your fiancé without losing yourself in the process. Good luck and lots of love to you both.
    • Reply
  • C
    Dedicated September 2019
    charley ·
    • Flag

    Thank you both.

    he's back on the tablets - they will take a while before they kick in.

    he gets like the around this time of year but this year it's been the worst yet.
    I am usually quite strong but this time, i feel so weak.
    It doesn't help that the cartilage of my ribs are inflamed and i can't do much around the house without having a bad painful attack in my sides. i haven't slept properly lately due to this and my fiance.

    I wait for him to go to sleep before i cry.
    He's just such a lovely person and used to make me laugh daily non-stop.
    I just think how could this happen to him.

    I wish i could take his place.

    I took some time out today for myself ,
    But i felt guilty about it

    • Reply
  • Summerbride77
    VIP July 2019
    Summerbride77 ·
    • Flag

    You both need to see professional help (serious depression is work for everyone in the relationship, but it can be done) and he needs to follow up with his doctor. You can't lose yourself in trying to help him and while you are a team sometimes you need to outsource. If he won't talk to you and won't see a professional than it's ok to outsource help. It sounds like he has a good relationship with his mom, is she an ally you can work with to get him help? And remember, if he says or does anything that scares you, call 911. If he won't get help and he needs it that will at least get him in front of a doctor.

    Do you have a support network? Use it. Get out of the house. Have a good cry with a friend or a family member. Get a hug.

    • Reply
  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
    • Flag
    I think you both need to seek professional therapy.
    • Reply
  • Mac2Bee
    Devoted September 2018
    Mac2Bee ·
    • Flag
    Why did he stop taking his medicine 5 months ago?

    Personally, I would work with him through therapy and find a way that you can be his support system when this happens. My husband has pretty crippling depression but we talk about it and I am able to support him. I frequently feel helpless but I always have a good gauge as to where he is at.

    If I were in your shoes, I would slow down on any wedding planning as well. This is a very tough thing to work through even when your partner is communicating it with you.
    • Reply
  • CountryRoads
    Expert October 2018
    CountryRoads ·
    • Flag

    He needs to go back to his doctor/psychiatrist ASAP!!!! hopefully one he has seen before and knows him. Try not to take his lack of interaction personally, that may be the social isolation/withdraw of depression; the "I love you" was probably sincere and all he can muster up right now. It sounds like he needs help, and he may have called his mom, who has been through this with him before, knows the doctors, treatment excreta. Part of him may not want to expose this to you. Granted, that is illogical, but through the lens of depression logic is skewed. You may also benefit from individual therapy, to help you cope, and so you can help yourself help him. I wish you both all the best.

    • Reply
  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    Agree with pps about seeking help immediately for your husband and yourself. If you believe there is an immediate threat, call 911. If there doesn't seem to be an imminent threat, you can still call his doctor and tell them about your concerns. HIPAA laws prevent health care professionals from sharing confidential information with you, but do not prevent them hearing information from you about their patient. If you can't reach the doctor by phone, you can send a registered letter explaining your observations and concerns. Also, there is an incredible organization called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). Go to their website (NAMI.org) for access to all kinds of free information and resources. They have local chapters in all 50 states. They offer several free programs, including one called Family-to-Family for loved ones of people with mental illnesses. Caregiver depression is real, but reaching out to people who understand what you are going through can be incredibly helpful. Just like if you fiance had a disease like cancer, his depression is something that impacts you both and you need to seek help for both of you. Good luck to you! Smiley heart

    • Reply
  • Future Mrs. Petro
    Devoted November 2018
    Future Mrs. Petro ·
    • Flag
    I'm really sorry that you guys are going through this. He sounds like has has passive death wishes. I strongly encourage you to get him to a hospital for an evaluation. It sounds like he needs to be stabilized back on some medication. Sending my love.
    • Reply
  • Littlebride
    Dedicated January 2020
    Littlebride ·
    • Flag
    Sending internet ******Hugs******* and more
    ****Hugs******
    Hope the advice that the girls have given you is helpful.
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Champion June 2010
    Laura ·
    • Flag

    Hi Charley. I'm so sorry you're going through this. These feelings are serious and help from a mental health professional is absolutely warranted. If you believe you or your partner are in immediate danger, please do not hesitate to call 911. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is also a great resource: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. They have resources whether you are trying to help yourself or help someone else.

    If you need someone to talk to but don't feel the Suicide Prevention Lifeline is warranted, there are other resources available online. You can contact 7 Cups of Tea, Mental Health America, or The Hope Line for help.

    https://www.7cups.com/

    http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/

    https://www.thehopeline.com/gethelp/

    Someone from our team will be reaching out privately by email to check in on you.

    • Reply
  • Ashley
    VIP December 2018
    Ashley ·
    • Flag

    I have bad anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder, so I'm very familiar with therapists and psychiatrists. FH, on the other hand, is not. He goes through phases of hardcore existential crisis: "what's the point" or saying he needs to figure out a hobby to get his mind off it, but then a day later says "our hobbies only pass useless time until life is over" etc. It's scary to hear someone say things like this- I don't think he'd ever do anything to harm himself, but it's hard to hear regardless. I'm trying to get him to speak to someone, because as experienced as I am with speaking to professionals, I'm not one. He resists saying a therapist can't help him and he needs to figure it out himself, etc. So I'm not going through something as severe, but I understand what you're going through. I hope you can get him to see someone- and you may want to as well. It'll help you get through it, don't forget to take care of yourself Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Haaley
    Expert December 2019
    Haaley ·
    • Flag
    My heart hurts for you both. I am in a similar situation but not nearly as complex. My FH also has bad depression and between not having his little brothers around for the holidays and possible lay offs he is really struggling. He stresses so much he gets physically sick but refuses to talk about it. He has admitted to crying alone in our room while I'm gone.
    Sometimes it's because they don't want us to see them that way or put any burden on us. But we are here to support them.
    Definitely get help. It is serious. And not worth putting off.
    • Reply
  • C
    Dedicated September 2019
    charley ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    He stopped because at first he kept forgetting to take it and felt happier than ever by not taking it.

    I'm not even thinking about the wedding and in two minds to cancel or change date because it's around this time of year & he gets like this during september - jan .


    i try to rub his back and just softly touch his arm so he knows im here for a cuddle or by him.
    I try to talk about our future but it's hard when he scoffs at me. He just wants to sleep all day so i let him.

    • Reply
  • Ashley
    Dedicated October 2018
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    Following up on what Laura posted, I answer for the Lifeline in my state and work for a handful of mental health crisis lines. It is absolutely appropriate to call them for support. You can call for yourself or for him. I would also look into peer support warm lines in your area if you need someone to talk to but don't feel like you need a licensed counselor.
    If he has depression and he is making those statements he needs to be assessed and your local crisis line is an amazing resource until you can get him in to see someone.

    How does he feel about going to therapy regularly? If he wants to be off medication he needs to develop some coping skills for when he feels this way. Touch is an incredibly helpful thing to let him know you have his back as long as it doesn't make him uncomfortable when he is feeling this way. Beyond that it can help him regulate so try things like hugging him so that your chest and belly are touching, this can help him stabilize a little bit (this is something my therapist suggested for my partner and I as we both have mental illnesses and it has worked wonders when I'm panicked).

    I would definitely recommend some individual counseling for both of you as well as a few couples sessions to help you communicate better when he's feeling like this. My partner and I did this so we can make sure we know how to support each other and work as a team. You have to take care of yourself too.

    Best of luck to you and please feel free to let me know if you have any questions or need help finding local resources.
    • Reply
  • C
    Dedicated September 2019
    charley ·
    • Flag

    Thank you for all the help, girls. I live in the uk but have used the advice to look at local websites to help as you've suggested to look etc.

    Today has been a slightly better day, he's making a little progress with sounding a lot more happier even for a 5 min brief period , and he laughed a little when i showed him something i thought would cheer him up. he did cry to me but we spoke a little and came up with a way to sort one of his issues out. this was spurred on by me kissing his forehead and rubbing his shoulder - i know when to back off though but this i think helped him to know i'm here to listen.

    He's also looked up samaritans on his phone to see if there was a text number he could use for when me or his mum isn't available and he was researching other information of coping.

    He's tried to do some of his online development project which is also good.


    • Reply
  • jax
    Dedicated September 2018
    jax ·
    • Flag

    Hi!
    I know the UK mental health system can be pretty different than the US but... is there a crisis team you can call? For instance, I used to work for a behavioral health crisis center, where they do phone triages, assessments, etc. They provide support for those in need but also if it's an emergency/situation like yours, they do assessments to determine levels of care, whether it's setting someone up with a psychiatrist, attending therapy, or even inpatient level of care at a hospital. I don't want to make a judgement as to which would be most helpful for your fiance, since I don't actually know him, but I figure if you do have a resource like that in your area, they can be really helpful. Hope things get better soon. Smiley heart

    • Reply
  • C
    Dedicated September 2019
    charley ·
    • Flag

    Thank you,


    today has been really positve!
    He's had a few moments of being down but hes actually been speaking to me like he used to and made me spit out my milkshake from being funny and has made little jokes and things like that.


    I think the tablets have kicked in a little now, thank god.

    I'm sorry for sounding so rational, it's such a difference from how he was yesterday.
    I honestly thought this would only get worse.


    i didn't realise this but he actually told his mum taht he's not talking to me because of this depression.
    I thought he didn't notice.

    • Reply
  • CountryRoads
    Expert October 2018
    CountryRoads ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I am so sorry you thought that. In addition to individual therapy, maybe read up on severe depression. Psychoeducation can be very helpful in helping understand a loved one's behavior in the context of their mental illness, and helps foster an understanding that it is not You. To me, the first step in handling anything is understanding it down to its bare bones. Based on what you have said, I think you woodlice get a lot of relief and validation from understand his symptoms and how they may manifest. All the best to both of you.

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