my fiance has always suffered with depression since he was 16. He has to take sertraline tablets daily because his body cannot produce enough serotonin. He had 5 really good months of not taking them and on monday, he relapsed.
he started having bad anxiety attacks because he gets really horrible thoughts that when he dies , he is just simply...dead as in...he doesn't live on at all. he's buried and thats his life over. the anxiety attack is the dread of this happening and not being here.
The thoughts are now always with him, at first it happened once and now and again but now it's all he thinks about.
He used to use the laptop and phone to distract him but now he just sleeps as that's the only time he stops thinking about it.
He calls his mum and talks on facebook to her or his friends but never to me. he doesn't talk to me or want me around. the only thing he has said is "i love you" but doesn't say much else. he ignores me or just scoffs when i try to make conversation. this morning he had a bad attack whilst i was downstairs do the washing up so much he was shaking and in tears but he didn't come to me ; he rang his mum .
He doesn't want to eat , he hasn't showered for a little over a week.
We haven't spoke to each other properly since wednesday. for the last 3 days it's been silence although a few hours ago , he broke down to me today saying because he's so panicked about the thought of him just dying which we obviously cannot stop, he doesn't see the point of the future or living because of the fact we will all just die. he doesn't see purpose or a reason in life other than to "live and die" .
i can't do anything to make this better , now i know truly how he feels.
He hasn't done anything stupid but it scares me , the way he's thinking.
I'm not close to my family & they don't understand . they just think hes being stupid or silly. i have no friends close by and not really got any one i talk to and so i feel isolated.
I feel helpless.
Sorry i honestly want to help him through but it's so difficult when he shuts me out i understand but as his fiance i wish he'd come to me.
It's starting to affect my mental health too. and i feel so guilty and selfish