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Just Said Yes March 2020

Fiance called off Wedding and Broke off Relationship

Lisa, on October 9, 2019 at 6:58 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 31
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Hey Ladies,

I just wanted a place to vent/seek advice as I go through this trying time.

My now ex fiance (34) called off our (im 32) wedding/broke off our relationship about 2 weeks ago now.

Our story started a little over 2 years ago. We met on valentines day for our first date. We had a great time and hung out for hours. As we were leaving he gives me my favorite bottle of bourbon and roses. It was super sweet and I immediately fell for him. He was funny and more than charming. A month in he breaks it off with me saying he sees me more as a friend. I acknowledged and let him go and did not reach out. He ended up coming back and saying he may have made a mistake and just wants to continue hanging out to see where this goes. We began hanging out almost daily… we laughed uncontrollably together and had a great sex life. It all seemed perfect. One night we were at a friends house and I ended up getting a little too tipsy and had to hit the sack earlier than the group. This enraged him and he ended up breaking up with me AGAIN. I ignored him and just went on my way for him to then reach back out to me. I said okay lets give this one more shot… so we did. We ended up dating for over a year doing all kinds of activities together and just loving life as a couple. The one St. Patties day i caught him sexting another woman. He begged and pleaded for me to stay and that he was just stressed from his job. For some reason I accepted his appology and we moved forward and continued having a great time/relationship. He got a new job making a ton of money. I got a new job making good money.

In July of 2018 he proposed me to on my birthday trip. Everything was great. I felt like I finally found someone who wanted to spend the rest of their life with me. Then things started to turn. He started to nit pick at everything I did. If i forgot to change over the laundry right away or if i waited to fold the laundry until the next day because it was late… I was lazy and took no initiative. I was responsible for cooking dinners making sure the house was tidy… he didnt want to do it. It was solely my responsibilty since he was the “bread winner and man of the house”. He would become enraged over the tiniest things – threaten and question our marriage and then say “im sorry i love you i would never leave you”. This was a never ending circle of fights like this. In between the fights everything seemed great. We always had a great time and home life was fine. We went to Colorado in August and had a blast with our friends and even bought our plane tickets for the wedding. Then I found out he was actively flirting with some woman on linked in and becoming close to her.

Then in september we went to Costa Rica for a work trip of his. I thought everything was great on the trip but as soon as we got back he ended it. Saying he has been feeling unhappy for awhile… he has been talking to his family for months saying he was unsure and he doesnt know what to do. He only took me to costa rick so i wouldnt miss out on the experience.

I am just so upset. Why would you buy plane tickets for our wedding right before costa rica if you were so unhappy? Why put me through this emotional roller coaster? I just cant even begin to understand what I did wrong? He said he was looking for a partnership and if he didnt get this new job we would probably be together and he needs someone Type A. He claims every day that the reason the relationship failed was because of me.

And in the end… i still want to be with this guy? What is wrong with me? He plays off so charming and everyone loves him, which is why i fall so hard for him… then theres this other side of him that makes me feel so empty and unworthy. Why do i feel like i am nothing with out this guy? Like now that he called off our wedding I am the failure? Just looking for some advice here as i go through these motions.

I am still living with him actively trying to find an apartment. He continuously says he loves me, who knows what will happen in the future… then says things like “this relationship is done, it is what it is, theres nothing that can be done here”.

I am losing. my. mind.

Why am I being so dumb?


31 Comments

Latest activity by Nicole, on October 13, 2019 at 2:35 PM
  • Tina
    VIP March 2020
    Tina ·
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    Hugs hugs hugs. Get away from him and block all and I mean ALL communication with him. You have been in an abusive relationship with him. He sounds a lot like my ex bf who was an actual sociopath. Stay away from him! He is toxic and will drag you along for as long as he pleases.
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  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
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    I would cut off all communication as soon as possible and find a therapist. It sounds like gaslighting and not a healthy relationship. A relationship or marriage shouldn’t be like that and you deserve so much more!
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  • L
    Just Said Yes March 2020
    Lisa ·
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    Thank you. I have been researching sociopath since this has happened and he seems to fit the criteria. Its just sad... sad that he could drag me along for so long, pretend to want to marry me then call it quits. My confidence is literally ruined thanks to him.

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  • L
    Just Said Yes March 2020
    Lisa ·
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    I started therapy last week, but once a week is not enough LOL. I'm just a shell of a body right now. Thank you for your support Smiley heart

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  • Maricarmen
    Expert September 2019
    Maricarmen ·
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    If there’s any possible way to stay with someone other than him do it, it’s healthy for you to be around someone that is playing with your emotions like that. You’ll make it through it just stay strong. You deserve better!!!
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  • Tina
    VIP March 2020
    Tina ·
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    I understand everything you're going through. But right now the number one thing is to stay as far away from him as possible. And block him on everything. Sociopaths have no remorse, no true feelings. You are a belonging to him and uses the charm/disarm tactic so well. I too was an empty shell by the end of it. They suck the life out of you. There are also online help groups for victims of sociopaths. Search for those to get the support you need!
    • Reply
  • Brandi
    Devoted July 2020
    Brandi ·
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    You’re not dumb. You’re in love and when people give us the impression that we love them too, it increases that love. Unfortunately, he’s showing signs of a mass manipulator and emotional abuser. That type of abuse is unstable, unfair and, unhealthy. I cannot tell you what to do not attempt to put myself in your shoes. However, I can encourage you to do some self-reflecting and ask is this what you want AND need in a man, in love and, for your future. List these pros and cons and really be realistic about what he is and already has shown you. If your closest friend or loved one shared your story, what advice would you give? What would you encourage them to do? Let him go. Your real love and husband will appear when the time is right. People only do to you what you allow. Can you move back home until you get settled to move out? Emotional and physical distance is definitely needed. I am sorry this is your experience and I wish you nothing but the absolute best.
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  • 8Bitbek
    Devoted October 2020
    8Bitbek ·
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    He sounds toxic and abusive. I'd cut all contact as other PP have said. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    He absolutely sounds toxic and emotionally abusive. If you have to sleep on a friend’s floor for a week, it’s worth it to get away from him sooner. And then block him EVERYWHERE, get a therapist, and be glad you dodged a major bullet in not marrying this person.
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  • mrsanda
    VIP March 2017
    mrsanda ·
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    The fact that it has happened several times you always going back when he comes out of nowhere is not healthy. You need to get out and stay away this time. It’s never going to work with him and there is something better out there for both of you. I hope you are able to move out and heal soon.
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  • Ivy ORP
    VIP October 2019
    Ivy ORP ·
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    You are not dumb! You are in the middle of a situation with a very manipulative person. He has never truly respected you or he would not have kept breaking it off or making you feel less than. It's a grooming tool people use to control the people around them, especially partners. I have to agree with Tina that he sounds like a sociopath, I have a couple in my past as well.

    The best thing you can do for yourself is be in the home with him as little as possible. Do you have friends or family you can bunk with or spend time with until you get your new place? Once you're out, it might be a good idea to block him as much as possible. It sounds like he fears being alone and knows you love him and want to see the best in him. Don't give him the chance to try to convince you he's changed. You deserve better. Take some time for you and heal. I truly hope it works out for you.

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  • C
    Dedicated September 2019
    Cardioqueen ·
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    Seconding Kelly’s advice as always. I’m sorry this happened to you. He sucks. Take some time to focus on yourself, maybe do some work to figure out why you took him back when he was a jerk!

    As an internet stranger who doesn’t know you at all, it is my deep belief that you deserve to find someone who will love you fully, accept your minor laundry-related human shortcomings, and inspire you to grow into the creative, ambitious, and loving person you can be. I hope you find someone who is inspired by you. I truly truly believe you deserve better (for you) than this man, and I hope with time you will too.
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Dedicated December 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    Omg run girl run!!! You did nothing wrong by being a genuine person and trying to love someone who is obviously uninterested in an actual human relationship. Ugh I’m so so so sorry and I have 1000% been there. The man before I met my current fiancé. He actually told me a few months in, while I was sick in the back seat of our friends car that he wasn’t sure if he even liked me that way yet and I’d have to earn it. And I wanted to? Lol. They’re very good at what they do. He, like yours, was a total charmer and everyone thought he was amazing and the best son and best friend and best bf. It’s all an act. He was a selfish ass. Break off all contact as soon as you can. If he doesn’t accept it, block him. Its the easiest way to get past them I promise. Don’t listen to any of his maybe one days. Ugh I wish you the best girl, you deserve so much more than he can give you. And you’ll find it!
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  • Kelsey
    Devoted October 2020
    Kelsey ·
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    I’ve been in a bad relationship...not like yours but my ex broke up with me SO many times. I found an amazing man, he does so much for me, he is kind and sweet and loves me unconditionally. This ex of mine is miserably in his relationship (engaged still as far as I know) and his fiancé sounds a lot like yours. It’s karma. You deserve better.
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  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
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    He sounds like a narcissist. Look it up. He's all about himself, and has been messing with your mind, which is why you are feeling this way. My best advice would be to run for the hills. Move out ASAP and ghost him. Block his number, delete him from all social media, and never contact him again. No one deserved to be treated this way, ever. Think of what you want. What do you want in a relationship and for yourself? I'm sure it's not someone who is always threatening to leave, talking to other women, and treating you like garbage. It's going to take some time, but you will get over this.

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  • Dana
    Savvy October 2019
    Dana ·
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    Wow, you dodged a bullet not marrying this guy!. You’re not dumb or crazy. He sounds emotionally manipulative & abusive. I was in a similar relationship for a year, so I can see the patterns here.

    I recommend physical distance & cut communication. He will probably try to get you to stay around or come back. And a part of you may even want to! But trust- He’s using a manipulator’s classic “bait & switch” (“I love you”, then “we can’t be together”). He’ll never stop that pattern so long as you stay around & stand for it. It won’t change; he won’t change.

    Remember that you deserve love and respect. Love & respect is consistent. It doesn’t bait & switch. No one deserves that emotional back & forth and neither do you.

    Block all ties with him & stick with it. Distract yourself if you need to- take on a new hobby, surround yourself with people you know love you, etc. You’ll find someone better. Stay strong!
    • Reply
  • Becca
    Devoted October 2019
    Becca ·
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    I know it's really hard right now, but as long as you have to stay there, create as much physical distance as possible. A friend of mine went through something similar and until she could move out, she put up a bed in the dining room and made a wall of boxes. Don't communicate about anything other than absolutely required things: I recommend getting everything in writing as well. Let him know that you are no longer together and that you are only roommates temporarily, so you will not be speaking to him about anything outside of the living situation. Be aware: this will likely piss him off, but stick to it. You have to be strong. You deserve so much better and I wish you all luck in getting out of this cleanly.
    • Reply
  • A
    Beginner June 2024
    Alison ·
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    I agree with everyone else...RUNNNNNNN!!!!!

    I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship before, it was hard to move on and I wish I had done it sooner instead of taking him back on multiple occasions including overlooking the cheating and the massive gaslighting.

    I am now happier than I have ever been and with a guy who treats me amazingly...I don't know what I did to deserve him but am thankful to know what I have now.

    I know it's hard now but even though I don't personally know you, i can unequivically tell you that you deserve better, no one should be treated this way!!

    Sending hugs, you have my support.

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  • M
    Expert September 2020
    Marcia ·
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    Run far away! I know it’s easier said than done. I was a single mother of two teenage boys and I was lonely. He told me what I wanted/needed to hear. He made me feel beautiful and important.

    Then little things started setting him off. Everything was my fault. If it rained on hay cutting day, he screamed at me. I was hospitalized and he told friends I was just trying to get attention.

    I found out on a flight back from a hunting trip to Africa that he was sleeping with my “friend”. I moved out. It was sooo hard. I cried, didn’t sleep, felt like a failure. He begged me to come back. I stood my ground.

    now, it’s 15 months later and I’m engaged to marry a real man, the love of my life. Someone who appreciates and cherishes me and my boys.

    keep your head up. You’re not dumb...not even close. Hugs to you!
    • Reply
  • Jess
    Expert October 2019
    Jess ·
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    Honestly he did you a favor girl. you’re worth so much more than what he has to give you. he’s proven himself unfaithful and not worthy of your love! no one deserves this type of flip flopping and emotional abuse. block him in every way and try and heal and move on. life will grant you something better. because honey he is not it. been there, done that. and i’m in a better place now. of course everyone on here is always here to give advice. shoot us messages if you need or just keep ranting. whatever you do, take care of YOU and stop wasting your energy on some asshole. you deserve an unconditional and true love and he wasn’t it.
    best of luck in your healing process! we’re all behind ya!
    • Reply

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