Fiancé backing out 2 months before wedding? :(

This is certainly a very scary and very stressful situation to be in. Perhaps seeking out someone professional to talk to would be best?! Perhaps you both can get to the bottom of your feelings, but may have to postpone the wedding? Both your mental healths should be in check in order for you to have an Amazing day that will definitely be very emotional...I just got married 2 weeks ago and it very much was emotional. Perhaps, he can continue to seek out private therapy while also taking medication, start to learn some coping mechanisms when he’s in a depressive state so that he can eventually come off the meds and be more successful. If he’s in the army, I’m sure he’s seen some things that have been very hard to see.

Depression is tricky, and no relationship is going to cure him. I think you may need to talk to him about why he didn't feel comfortable talking to you about his illness until now if that's what's upsetting you most. Marrying someone is for the good and the bad, in sickness and in health. Is he worth all those struggles? Marriage isn't easy, but is he worth fighting for?

Maybe you two can make a gameplan for managing his depression, go to therapy, maybe get back on medication, whatever is truly best for him. But it sounds like you've been together a long time and through a lot. Sickness shouldn't uproot everything you had.

Unfortunately, other than being supportive there's really nothing that you can do for him. It seems as if he needs to seek professional help. It's not fair to you to put this on your shoulders ( I know that's easier said than done ) I hope that he finds the right treatment plan for him.

I’m sorry you are going through that. Depression is not very easy to notice and now most people don’t want to talk about it because they feel as if they are different. Especially prior military or Law enforcement. It’s their personality. The only advice I can give you since I work around people with prior military backgrounds is to be there for him and talk to him. Also encourage him to seek a professional counseling. Even offer to go with him during some of the sessions which he may turn down but just show support. I’m not sure if you’re located in Orlando but University of Central Florida provide free unlimited counseling for veterans active or non active and law enforcement as well. It would be the best thing for him to go to that for a month before you decide to postpone or cancel the wedding. Again I wish I could be more helpful. Also check with your closest University psychology Department they might know where to go for counseling. Good luck

View Quoted Comment First of all, thank you for your response and taking time to write back. It’s hard bottling things up. I told him I wouldn’t mind postponing the wedding to get him to get the right help and put his mental health first. But, it seems like he’s now just agreeing to marry me to not upset me. Especially, because my parents paid for a lot of it. I don’t know. Maybe he thinks he’s less of a man now for telling me this? I just don’t see why he would tell me 2 months before our big day. I’m not trying to be selfish during this, but at the same time I also do have feelings, and kind of feel blindsided.

View Quoted Comment You’re absolutely right. He is worth all the struggles. Depression shouldn’t define him. It just hurts he now tells me this.

Thank you for words.

View Quoted Comment Thanks girl. Will pray and definitely start doing research to get him to the right direction.

View Quoted Comment Ashley, thank you so much for your comment. You were very helpful. It literally uplifted my spirit in understanding more about all of this. It’s hard. I’ll be a journey. But, maybe seek help now before the wedding and see how things go before postponing the wedding.

View Quoted Comment I think you’re totally in the right to feel those feelings....and why I also think you should talk to someone about them that may help you navigate future conversations with your man. You don’t want any resentment down the way, or any negative feelings...you want a happy life with him and depression by no means defines the type of relationship you will have, I honestly think my husband has bouts of depression, but we are very happy in my opinion. But in the end you want both your man and you to join in the union because you love each other and want to be with each other. There can be many reasons why he waited this long, often times it’s one thing to recognize a setback on yourself and another thing to tell others that are close to you and love you. I’m sure the weight of the wedding isn’t helping either, but with that being said, many things can still be done and if he’s worth fighting for and supporting than go ahead and do that. Always do what’s your right in your heart, don’t listen to others who may judge, as they are not you, and not in your shoes. If you love him, he loves you, this may just be a little bump in the road. Perhaps down the line only a courthouse ceremony? May be something more his style? Then big party afterwards? Just things to think about. Be strong, this sucks but it will pass and you’ll be even stronger because of it. Good luck with it.

Counseling for you and him. Please have him get support and help through the VA. they have so many resources compared to what you will get in the community

A marriage can survive depression. But untreated depression puts a huge strain on it, and can often break it apart. If he has gone off his medications, and isn't willing to go back on them, there may be no saving this relationship. Hard as it is to cancel a wedding, it's better than dealing with a divorce down the road.

People who have a long climb out of a clinically depressed state, often cycle back a period of months after a big change. It is a healthy sign ( for him ) to recognize that his thoughts his energy level, or wish to step in to something new are being impaired. A lot of depression meds keep one from obsessively thinking dark thought, but they let a person float along without doing anything new, ir remembering or thinking much. Like being perpetually stoned. Some people like that. Most making progress find it actively prevents them from doing good things that require energy, drive, emotional commitment. And the meds may eliminate any sex drive, which is distressing to someone in love. So his not taking meds may be a very good thing. But he needs regular talk therapy, be it a clinical social worker or trained counselor. Doctors often cannot be reimbursed for anything but meds and a quarterly follow-up. Don't push that. But do push real counseling. Later a support group. If he has come this far, and recognizes he is slipping, like an ex addict or alcoholic, his mental state will sometimes slip. And many depressed people self medicate with alcohol or drugs, but if he does not, get support now. So it does not start. I am sorry to hear you are just finding this out now. His doubts may really be that he won't measure up to what you want. But he may be loving and committed to you. In which case he should not cause you to break it off, if you care too. The self doubt, feeling worthless and as though he cannot be all you want, is a normal feeling. But he does not have a recent history of conquering things or successful starts. That is where past depression comes in. He may not be seriously depressed now. It is simply that you have finally been living together a while, and this seems a high new step. Most if all, your gentle faith and confidence, if you are willing to see a counselor, may be the transition he needs. I hope you can make a decision that brings you happiness.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I would definitely recommend that you seak counseling, both separately and together. FH also needs to discuss his meds with his doctor as it's not advised for him to just stop taking them.

View Quoted Comment Judith, I don’t know where to even begin. As I read this tonight, I cried. I have even screenshotted to read this in the future when I’m feeling doubtful or resentful towards finding this out literally 2 months before everything. It’s not that I wouldn’t of dated him, or even begun things, but I just feel betrayed. It’s hard to explain.

Every word you said is so true. I will definitely seek help, and see where all this may lead to. I pray and will ultimately seek God too.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

View Quoted Comment I will definitely be doing that, caytlyn. Thanks girl!

View Quoted Comment You’re absolutely right. I’ve already been looking for VA’s around my area! I will not give up this fight! Thank you- xoxo

View Quoted Comment Yes, I will definitely think about it, and most importantly seek counseling, medications and get his mind on the right path. Whatever it may be. I’ll be strong for sure. Thank you girl -xoxo

He needs to talk to a counselor to get some mental health. He is reaching out and it's good he came to you. Just be there for him. It will be ok.

I'm sorry you two are going through this. Just be supportive. Its a good thing that he told you what is going on. Its a sign that he is comfortable and vulnerable. Please just be there for him.

I think Judith said it perfectly. I second everything! My only other comment would be that I honestly think it’s a good thing he decided to tell you. I see that as him trusting you and loving you enough to open up. It’s hard to talk about depression and mental health issues, even with those you love the most. He may feel like he is less of a man for that and that’s why he waited so long to tell you. People with depression need a support system. I can tell you from personal experience that having a loving partner to support during the tough periods is invaluable. Just continue to support him and love him unconditionally - show him you are willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. That includes going to counseling with him. I think that having some sessions with a counselor yourself would also be helpful for learning how to cope and what methods you can use to support him without being pushy. Try and keep your head up and remember that he does love you and he wants to marry you for a reason. this is a tough situation, but true love conquers all!