Fiancé and I aren't religious, but our super religious families don't know that

This is your wedding. Presumably you are an adult. Last I checked your are allowed to choose your own faith or lack there of in this country.

This is like the 5th post in 2 days about religion breaking apart families and I honestly find this all so disgusting and I can't imagine being in such a shitty family and I'll never stop being grateful for mine and DF families. I'm so lucky to be blessed with such an accepting loving family.

If I were you I'd find your own officiant and say thanks but no thanks to dad. DH and I had his Methodist minister father perform our ceremony, I'm not religious at all, it was way too religious for me, not to mention the fact that he didn't even do the ceremony we had agreed upon. Pick your own officiant or you'll be disappointed with your ceremony like I am. It's a terrible feeling.

Plus, the ladies at my old church want to throw me a bridal shower and no matter how many times I tell my mom I don't want them to do that, she says that's not an option and I have to accept it to be nice/polite. If y'all haven't caught on, my parents don't think of me as an adult capable of making my own decisions (even though I've always been extremely independent), which is a big reason I don't go home much. I would have to drive 5 hours to my hometown for this awkward religious bridal shower at my old church, and that's a bit much. Apparently the people at that church don't know I moved away 5 years ago and don't live in that town anymore. I also don't want to accept all these gifts because I'd feel awful about taking these gifts from people who I barely know and who aren't invited to my wedding. I'm sorry I just need to vent a little.

You might need to make an adult decision and have your own wedding

She can't force you to go to a bridal shower. Have a ceremony that isn't religious, you don't need to talk about the ceremony with your parents beforehand.

Suzette, bite the bullet and tell them now, "Mom, Dad... this may come as a shock to you, or you may already know on some level, but FH and I are not at all religious and do not wish to have a religious ceremony of any sort." The reason I advise having it out NOW (besides having the wedding you want, which won't make you feel like a fraud...) is, if you don't get this out in the open now, you're just kicking it down the road till you have kids, and they want to baptize your baby... or wonder why s/he isn't attending Sunday school, going through confirmation-- whatever. Start the coming out process now.

I think you may just have to do the shower. You know they won't be invited to the wedding, but this is one of the few times with showers and uninvited guests that you're not being rude to go.

I would definitely decide if you're going to go with your dad's preacher or find your own officiant right away and let your rents know that before the shower. You never know if the congregation women may not want to throw one if they know their preacher isn't doing the wedding. May be a little petty of them, but it sounds like it'll work in your favor.

I would talk to your parents about this beforehand. Other huge life events will occur and this topic will resurface again and again. I think it is better to address it with them now. Be straight forward and firm. Be prepared for them to state how they feel. It may even come off as rude and crass, but stand your ground. Live your life on your terms. Don't play pretend for anyone.

I only see my family 5-6 times a year and we don't plan on ever living anywhere near either one of our families. I never pretend to be religious when I'm around them, I just avoid doing or talking about anything to do with religion, mostly because I respect their choice to be religious. I just don't want to cause problems because they're paying for the wedding so I feel like I should respect at least some of their wishes.

Ugh...unfortunately as you mentioned if they're paying you are now more likely to have to comply with their vision for your wedding. The best thing to do is have a sit down as other ladies have mentioned and be brutally honest. Maybe they'll surprise you?

Ugh. I'm sorry. I don't really have any advice. The whole situation just sucks. I guess just look at it as if they're not willing to accept you for who you really are, do you really want them in your life anyway? I know that's cheesy and the fact that they're your parents complicates things but...yeah. That's all I got.

You live 5 hours away but they're planning your wedding for their neighborhood? There's your get out of wedding free card right there. Start complaining about the distance, inconvenience, whatever- then tell them you found the PERFECT spot right where you live now, with a great officiant. Tell them you feel that the ceremony that begins your life together should be about who you are now (ie in your new home) Storm the barricades. Be a grown-up and stand up for yourself! And realize that your mother should not be dictating your presence at am event you didn't ask for or want, with people you don't want to see. On that one, just tell her no.

You've waited way too long to tell them now, but better now than later. Otherwise, they're going to be planning your kids' baptisms, confirmations, and weddings, too. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to tell your parents how you feel, even if that means paying for the wedding yourselves.

Emilyg we were going to have it in Savannah but the plans fell through and we couldn't find any other decent, low cost place to have it that wasn't a barn, so we ended up deciding on a place about 45 minutes away from my hometown. Trust me I would've never chosen to have it near my hometown if I could've helped it. We've already booked the venue, photographer, etc so there's no changing it now. Hopefully I can talk them out of the preacher as the officiant though.

Suzette, if your parents truly felt you were not an adult, they would not be supportive of your choice to get married: they would tell you you weren't old enough and would not be allowing it. They know you're an adult, and it would be okay for you stand up for yourself and your beliefs.

Except...since they're paying for the wedding, your parents have a say about the wedding plans. You should still voice your opinions and concerns, but be prepared for your parents to still push for their way.

As for the shower, it's rude not to accept. I was always taught that if someone offers to throw you a shower, you graciously accept. Church showers, along with work showers, are the one time it's okay if the guests aren't invited to the wedding.

@Samantha No, you don't have to accept a shower. You certainly wouldn't accept it, for example, if two different people offered to throw you a shower, and invite the same guests to both showers. Or if someone offered to throw you a shower and invited guests (other than work colleagues or church members) who weren't invited to the wedding. Even outside of those situations, an offer to throw a shower is just that--an offer--and it's okay to politely decline.

In this case, she may feel the need to accept the shower because her mother insists on it, and her parents are paying for the wedding. But I'd hate to see a rule that says that every bride must have a shower, even if she hates the idea.

2d Bride, I never said every bride has to have a shower. Ultimately, if OP doesn't want this shower, she can decline. I only meant to point out before she makes that decision that a shower is a very generous gift and the OP (as well as any other bride) should at the very least be grateful for the offer.

If Friend A was planning to throw me a shower and Friend B then offered to throw me a shower, I would obviously not accept both. I would thank Friend B and let her know that Friend A had already offered and she could talk to Friend A to see if she could help out.

As for showers where the guest list would include people not invited to the wedding, a bride does have control over this. Unless it is a surprise shower, hostesses always ask the bride who should be included on the guest list. A reasonable hostess would respect a bride's choice to remove non-wedding guests from the shower guest list.

I feel like if you're not adult enough to tell your parents your vision for your wedding day, and your stance on not having a religious wedding, they have every right to treat you like you're not a functioning adult. If they're paying for it, they do have some say, but you can also choose to not accept their money and have the nonreligious wedding that feels authentic to you and your future spouse. It's not going to be easy, but isn't it better than starting your marriage with a ceremony that doesn't feel like yours? The ceremony is the heart of the wedding- you should enjoy it and feel connected to it.

My parents were really upset when we said we weren't having a religious wedding. My mom wouldn't talk to me without crying for weeks, and told me how disappointed she was and how she felt like she failed in raising me. It really hurt. I was really mad, and it really put a damper on wedding planning and the joy of it all. But I'm confident I'm a good person without religion, and that it's more authentic to myself to not practice religion. It was important to me and my husband that our ceremony, that moment where we became partners for life, felt authentic to us. So we found an AMAZING professional officiant, told her how much we needed the ceremony to feel like it had the "formality" and structure of a religious ceremony, but not be religious at all. She absolutely nailed it, and my mom ended up feeling like the ceremony was one of the best parts of the day.

So it can work out, but it won't be easy. And it might not work out as well as it did for me. But I feel pretty strongly that my mom sometimes loves the idea of me- the daughter she wishes she had, who goes to church and likes dresses and makeup and 100 other things that I hate, but I don't need to try to pretend to be that person. If she doesn't see and accept me for who I am, that's her loss. I don't think I was really an independent adult until I accepted that.