FH's Grandma in Nursing Home

No suggestions but I hope you find a solution!

Someone won't volunteer to maybe watch her at the wedding? Long as you can get her in a wheelchair. Is venue handicap accessible? Or maybe you can hire some sort of aid who specializes in that and can get her out of bed/chairs etc so she can be there. Although I'm sure she wouldn't be against Skype if it meant seeing your wedding.

How far away is FH's grandma from where you are getting married? If she's in good health other than being in a wheelchair (I'm assuming that since she refused PT, she's wheelchair bound) and lives close enough that someone could pick her up, drive her to the ceremony and make sure she is helped to the bathroom. Does your FH's father have any siblings that would be willing to do this for her?

Have you considered hiring an aid for the day to travel with her and provide assistance as needed?

Assuming she's wheelchair bound and relatively close to your venue, you could always look into private caregiving agencies and private non-urgent medical transport. All of this will be out of pocket. In addition, you may need medical clearance from her attending doctor that she can be LOA that day.

We've asked FH's uncle who is the POA and the one who is calling all the shots if he could bring grandma as the venue is handicap accessible and he said that because she has not been out of the nursing home in so long that he feels her leaving the nursing home would be too much of a shock to her system. We've asked her and she has said that she wants to go, but they don't often listen to what she has to say. The venue is 45mins away from where she is. Would an aid cost extra for the day? It's not that she's against Skype or something similar, she is afraid of it because it's the internet and she would be near a webcam

Yes, private aids through an agency are generally a premium price of $22or more/hour depending on her level of care. The transport will likely be a couple hundred dollars. I don't know about WI, but in CA private aids through an agency are not allowed to give medications, but they can assist with them ie, putting them in her hand, opening bottles ect.

If she has expressed that she wants to attend and her doctors have approved it, I think it would be extremely meaningful for you to find a way to make it happen. Coming from someone who works with the geriatric population, caregivers often have the best of intentions, but their decisions can at times be overly cautious and not helpful for their loved one. I hear your granddfather's concerns about it being a "shock," but I imagine she feels pretty isolated if she hasn't been able to leave the home in so long. The aid will likely be an additional feel. I hope you are able to find a way to make this work.

@HoneyLife - Thanks! I don't think medication is an issue. It's just someone willing to go through the "work" to get her to the ceremony. She can be quite stubborn and gets a little mean when things are not going a certain way (she's 86 - I say the family should just accept her stubbornness). I know it's super important to FH as she basically raised him and he's the last grandkid of hers to get married. I think he's having an "it's not fair" moment because she was able to attend all of his cousins' weddings, but wont' be able to make his if we can't figure out a way

If your FH's grandmother thinks the government can spy on her via a Life Alert, she has some mental health issues. She may have adapted to assisted living, but her paranoia might be a problem if you actually remove her from her residence so that she can at least attend the ceremony portion of your wedding.

I'd suggest you speak with her primary care physician and ask him/her for an opinion. If you learn that the chances are good that she can enjoy your wedding (and possibly, your reception), then ask him what professional services are available to have her transported to your wedding. You don't want family members begrudgingly handling this; grandma may be paranoid to the point that she believes the government is monitoring her, but she may also be sharp enough to pick up the negative vibes from family members who feel put upon for having to transport her (and while I hate asking family members to work a wedding as a friendor, this is in a totally separate category. This is a matriarch who has paid her dues time and time again. It should be an honor for the younger family members to step up to the plate so that this lady has a wonderful day at a family wedding). Take it in stages. If she enjoys the wedding, have one of her children ask her if she's ready to go to the reception. Let her know that she can leave as soon as she wants to. If she can enjoy some of the reception, that would be great.

Let us know what you're able to find out, OP. Medicare might handle some of this, and if they don't, are you able to handle the expense of her transport and the cost of her assistant? Actually, I think her children should be chipping in if there is an expense to be incurred.

@Centerpiece most likely Medicare will NOT pay these expenses because they aren't a necessity to her care and you are absolutely right about picking up on negative vibes

@OP regarding medications, just make sure someone responsible is in charge of making sure she gets them on time, especially if she's diabetic, Centerpiece is right, do not expect family members to shuttle her around, this is best with a private caregiver so Granny can feel in control and leave when she wants without posing an imposition, also, keep in mind if she takes oxygen, those tanks, depending on the liter flow she takes, will not last all day

We actually have LOTS of volunteer friendors for the wedding (We've politely declined - I couldn't ask for better family friends) and our ceremony and venue are at the same place. She does pick up on when she feels she is being a "burden" to others and FH's uncle - the one who is in charge - loses his temper easily when it comes to grandma. I also wouldn't want him to be the only one helping grandma and not able to enjoy himself as well (which is what happened at my MOH's wedding). I agree FH's aunts and uncles could chip in to help as there are 6 of them not including their spouses, but I'm willing to do almost anything to get her to at least the ceremony as it would mean the world to FH.

On the paranoid note.. I cannot agree more. This has been an issue since before she was in the nursing home and I generally nod and smile when she asks for help with her TV remote because she's afraid the TV will blow up if she hits a wrong button

Joellemarie5, you are a good person with a caring spirit. So often, when the topic is the elderly, people tend to forget that these men and women were once young, full of life, and in total control of their faculties -- just like them. Too often, they are measured by their advanced ages and medical issues. I totally believe you when you say you are willing to do almost anything to chip in so that this lady can attend and enjoy your ceremony. I have every confidence that this issue is of primary importance to you. Whatever happens next year, rest assured that you are a lovely woman graced with empathy and respect.

We went to the nursing home and was it a delight! Great pics of my grandma smiling from ear to ear. The other residents enjoyed it as well

It's unfortunate that his uncle isn't willing to budge. Is she allowed to check herself out? If she isn't then there really isn't anything you can do without uncle's approval.

She's never left the nursing home since she had her hip surgery?

She refused PT and hasn't been moved since? (Bed bound? Room bound? Wheelchair bound?)

Thinks the government can spy on her from a Life Alert?

Honestly, trying to get her to go to your wedding sounds like a disaster. She is neither mentally nor physically capable. You and your FS should visit (if you can) in your wedding gown instead.

If you are insisting, she needs to do the bare minimum to prove she is ready for this amount of stimulation and effort. PT and bi/weekly visits out of the nursing home. If she can do that, then she has the ability to come.

1 final suggestion: if you are having centerpieces and other floral arrangements, you can donate them afterward.

See if grandma's nursing home will accept them. Grandma and her friends as well as the staff can all enjoy the pretty flowers.

If I were you, I would look into hiring an aide. Do some research in the area (the nursing home may even have an off-duty nurse willing to help, for pay). There are plenty of elder services these days in major cities and I bet you can find someone who can get her there, stay with her, attend to HER....that way your other guests can focus on you as well. I'm sorry your uncle won't budge. I am in the exact same situation with my grandma, but she's a 7-hour-drive away. Remember that perhaps the ceremony will be "enough" for her. She'll have to set the comfort level for herself. I would of course add her to the headcount if she plans to come, etc but understand with her not being out, she may be one of the first to leave. But you won't regret having her there and getting those PRECIOUS photos with her!

My grandma lives in a nursing home and she is coming to the ceremony only, my aunt has volunteered to get her and drop her off.

You could pay for a care giver to take her or show her pictures after?

I would suggest touching base with the social worker at the nursing home. She/he can review the care plan for FHs grandmother with you and assist you in coordinating a day trip. You may not need wheelchair transport if she can transfer safely. She/ he can also give you advice on if you would need to hire a CNA, RN or LPN. Some states have specific laws on who can distribute medications, so if there are no family members that are able to give grandma her medications, you might need a nurse rather than an aid.