Fh’s Family Refusing to Attend

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Right, so, along with everything else that's been said I would add one thing: Maybe check in with them and try to have a calm discussion about what exactly they mean when they say that they refuse to come unless there is a vaccine.

My recent experience is this: we had a big house with a pool and lakeside access rented across the country for the end of June. We had planned to share the rental with three families related to my fiance. All three families live within two hours' drive of the rental - we are the only group that would have to fly.

My fiance's mom basically told us two days ago she isn't going, no way, no how.

Well, there's no refund available at this point, and the three families who live close to the rental want to go ahead with the plan with or without us since they can easily travel there safely.

So we all got on a call, and talked out the biggest concerns everyone had. We made a list of mitigations that could be put in place to handle those concerns. We finished up with a list of unanswered questions, and who would do the research for each question.

In the end, it was decided that the more at-risk people in our group would take extra precautions on the flight - including using reusable 3M respirators and everyone bringing hand sanitizer to share, and that all planned trips out of the rental would be cancelled - we would just stay at the rental to limit our exposure to just the group of four families.

If it means a lot to you to have them there, then ask them what worries them. And listen to the answer. Would they be more comfortable if there were extremely effective treatments but no vaccine? Or if you greeted your older guests first, and then let them go home and partied on with your younger guests? Have three small receptions with different guests over the course of a weekend - the big one on your original date, but small gatherings with guests who aren't comfortable at the big ceremony at a park or something the day before and the day after? Once you understand that in detail, you have better info to base a decision on for delaying or not delaying.

If it doesn't seem worth it to put that much effort in, and your fiance agrees, then the answer seems obvious - proceed as planned without them.

One possible solution I haven't seen discussed much is to take money saved on headcount, and splurge on a beautiful movie of your ceremony which you can send to guests who couldn't attend. You get a longer, more detailed movie as your own keepsake, and they get to experience the ceremony without the lags and awkwardly unmuted microphones of Zoom.

Puuu lease they are doing you a favor. Less $$$$. I recommend you ask your FH if he would prefer to get married without them or have them watch via zoom. No point of postponing when we don't have a set amd final date of when the vaccine will be available.

I think there is a two fold issue here:

1. Your FH needs to make the ultimate decision and you can obviously have a say; and

2. You and your FH need to make sure there will not be resentment later since it seems like your family will be there.

The northeast is a MESS right now, and I think most people here are still hesitant, so I am not surprised people are still not willing to go places. I would just make sure that you, and especially your FH, wont regret going through with your wedding on your original date as that could have consequences further down the line that may impact the two of you more than you would think.

Recognizing that they have real, legitimate fears, and that equally, you want to marry now, and being married is after all, the goal, nit the wedding, can't you have drastically reduced numbers by going on without them, with a second, small reception ( and vow renewal if you want one) just for those not willing to take the risk? People with plenty of money may take it for granted that everyone travels to weddings, but in fact, when families come from geographically distant places, even before covid, it is not uncommon to do it once in one location. And do something for the other side next year, when vacation time and finances permit. lower and middle income families do it all the time. Before air travel got common in the late 1960's , early 70's, It was a super common thing. So ask yourself, is your wish for the one really big event the important part? Or are two, separate ones, permitting most everyone at one or the other, a way of doing things that accomodates your very understandable wish to not postpone, marry now, and still include both sides of family. Over 60 from my mom's family came from all over US and Canada, plus about 40 friends, to celebrate the marriage of my first cousin, last spring. They married in Finland, and in front of friends and family there, 9 months before. But with airfare and lodgings, to have travelled to the wedding and stayed even a couple days, would have cost $4000 x 100= $400, 000 collectively. 2/3 from one extended family of people who save and save to raise and educate their kids. Simple practicality, no emotional infighting. Nobody lost " the wedding experience One family, an aunt and uncle if mine who don't show at weddings an hour away, did not come. Everyone else, it was a celebration of marriage, and we did celebrate. Nearly two separate halves, can be as nice as one big thing. Try to accommodate their rational fears. And your wish to not postpine being married. And in a spirit of not being cheated of the one big experience, but lucky you have so many who care and are with you, at each if two times. ... You are right, the virus is not going away And next year and the year after, a huge party may not happen. But half the size, likely can. we will have successive waves, then so many will have had it, that there will be fewer carriers at any group gathering Not a quick vaccine . But a good deal more safety in gatherings of moderate size. Have both. And with no bad feelings about your wish to marry now ( from his family) and no bad feelings toward his family for guarding their family safety. Focus on the good thing you get to do twice. I think too may people see a wedding as the one and only big party of their lives, and invest too much in that . Your marriage should be a happy begining.
And those who really are celebrating your marriage, should be happy to do it when they can. Make the best if it. There are lots worse things than 2 parties instead of one.