This is complicated and messy, so bear with me. There's a lot of preponderance around emotional maturity, so for anyone who's been on the path of growth and can understand the nuance of the situation.... I would really appreciate the advice of some ladies who might be going through (or have gone through) something similar?
We're getting married in January and just sent out our invitations, but have kept one at home because we are at a stalemate whether or not to invite one particular family.
This is one of the families he grew up with, it's a very tight knit group. Let's call this family "The Williams" and the group of 4 families "The Cul-de-Sac" to make it simple. The kids (including him) have all known each other since 1st grade, they all still hang out regularly on holidays and do an annual camping trip in the summer. The Williams have 3 adult children: a son, we'll call him "Charlie", and two daughters, we'll call them "Shelby" and "Sarah". The Williams tend to be the glue of the group: they usually host the July 4th, New Years, Cinco de Mayo parties.
Charlie is one of the groomsmen and he's a great dude. My FMIL is friendly with Mrs. Williams but tries to stay out of drama, my FFIL is best friends with Mr. Williams. Mr. Williams is super chill and lovely
Sarah recently bought a large house in Los Angeles and was renting out rooms. We asked her if we could move in when our lease was up to save money for the wedding (we were paying $2250 for a 1BR, she was renting each room for $1000). This was always going to be a temporary situation, no more than 8 months. We ended up moving out in 5 because we were so uncomfortable living in this house with Sarah. She was very passive aggressive with me in person and talked badly about me behind my back to the girls of The Cul-de-Sac (one of which is my FSIL). And my FH is fairly close with all of the girls in this group chat because they've all known each other for nearly 20 years, no one has a problem with me except for Sarah. The girls informed us that it was a lot of uncalled for gossip, and some of them stood up for me and let her know she was being unreasonable, that made her more angry. Some high-school-level drama ensued and we aren't really on speaking terms. FH tried to have a chat with her, she continued to be immature, so he's basically given up on being her friend. FH and I have decided against inviting Sarah to the wedding.
HOWEVER, He still wants to invite the rest of The Williams family. Shelby and Mrs. Williams have made me uncomfortable on multiple occasions. Shelby always chimed in with anything Sarah said, as little sisters tend to do. I don't blame her for that, but I always get this fake-nice vibe coming from her. I have reason to believe they dislike me due to my lifestyle because Mrs. Williams is quite religious (mind you, it's nothing my FH isn't also involved in/supportive of). Everyone else on FH's side has been wonderful, I've grown very close to many of them and we're friends. Other people have spoken up about how Mrs. Williams makes them feel like she doesn't like them, etc. Think mean-girl energy coming from the female side of this family. My future in-laws have mentioned on multiple occasions that Mrs. Williams was talking about me to them in a judgy way.
I generally just don't want them there. I'm totally fine with Charlie being a groomsman, I like him a lot. I've been working on my mental health a lot and setting boundaries with people who don't treat me well, and I feel pretty adamant about not wanting them at the wedding, but he disagrees. He's worried about the aftermath and potential drama, and the fact that they usually host all the gatherings and "it would send the message that he doesn't like them anymore". I've told him that he shouldn't care because I don't want to spend time with them moving forward and also we don't have to send a political invite. But he says he wants them there, which I understand because he's spent more time with this family than his own cousins+uncles.
I understand the "suck it up" mentality with this sort of thing... but I also feel like I shouldn't have to if I feel so certain that they have a problem with me AND act so toxic. After all, I've dealt with toxic people my entire life and have worked so hard to stop letting people in my life who treat me badly. I wish I was someone who could just ignore my feelings, but I've ignored them forever and I think I owe it to myself to put my foot down. But then I think I'm being a bridezilla. It's also not his job to fix my feelings or to take on my feelings as his own either so I shouldn't just expect him to not want them there because *I* feel uncomfortable.
Anyway, we've been arguing about this for months now because there is no compromise on this decision. I would appreciate any thoughts that go beyond "he should be angry at them for how they treat you!" or "just invite them because they're close to the family" I've searched the forums and this seems to be the most complicated thing because it's not like it's someone from the past that he *kind of* cares about, you know?
If you've made it this far, thank you. I would really appreciate any wisdom you may have to share.
tl;dr:
FH really wants to invite a family that makes me extremely uncomfortable because there have been multiple indications that they dislike me. We're at a stalemate because of course both of our feelings matter for our wedding day. You should really at least skim it so you understand how entangled this family is in his life and the way they treat me.