fh Sister Drama

She’s just insecure. Not your problem. If she doesn’t want to be in it it’s her loss. If she really has a problem with her weight then she probably do something about it (not to be mean just being honest).

I’m over the dress thing, now it’s the shoes...do I let her pick her own or buy the ones I want the dress hemmed too so everyone is matching or buy the shorter ones for her (she’s 4’10)

View Quoted Comment At this point I would just pick the shoes/dresses YOU want. You’ve been more than accommodating to her and she’s being a baby about it. It’s your wedding day it should be what you want, not because someone is insecure.

How high are the ones you want? Honestly, I don’t wear heels because they are super uncomfortable for my feet and I have ankle/knee issues that sometimes bother me. If I had no choice but to wear heels, I’d probably drop out of a wedding.

No one is going to look at their shoes. If you’ve already decided you wanted her to be comfortable with the dress situation, how is this different?

There are places to pick your battles as worth fighting in the long run, or not. Shoes do not have to match. Just be generally compatible. No having one in orange platforms and another in combat boots. But, for example, if everyone is in either a light shoe or one that matches the dress, it does not matter that some shoes are pink to match the dress, while others are a light blush or white. Generally light and do not clash. It does not matter that ladies shoes match each other , only that individual ones do not jump up and call your attention, like only one in black patent leather. Also, it does not matter if one is in flats, one in low heels, one in 3" heels. Only general style" plain tops of to, or all astrappy though not necessarily same, fine . Not one white shoe with a large black bow at the ankle while the rest are in slingback or strappy pinkish colors. Nothing outstanding. One thing no bride can dictate is higher heels than a person is used to, or a barely there shoe for someone who needs support. This can be painful for some, cause balance problems, and actual discomfort or injury is not something you can ask of anyone. . . . What it comes down to is, is it more important to be flexible enough to be on a good footing with friends and family during and after the wedding, or not ? Why fight over things no guest will notice or care about if they do? Why stress out over how high or low someone's shoe heels are, when no one will notice, but one or more of your women would be miserable and thinking of sore ankles or feet all day? You think FSIL is silly to be self conscious about her arms. How are you going to feel after the wedding when several people looking at pictures comment, she would have looked so much nicer if her dress had sleeves? Because head, chest and shoulders are more noticeable. Live and in person, distant or far. But no one sees anything but a vague impression of shoes unless one is outstandingly different. And they walk around looking at people's feet not faces when they talk to them. . . . You will feel less angry/ stressed/ unhappy if you go for important things and do not worry about controlling details that do not matter in the long run. You are not making a movie, and your friends and family are not models and actresses. What matters is a general impression each individual looks well dressed, and the whole group looks nice. Not a line of perfect matches . Relax. 🙂

Would you want to run around in a pair of shoes you were uncomfortable in all day? If you’re going to make everyone wear the same shoes, which seems really unnecessary, then they should be flats or very low heels so that everyone can be comfortable. No one is going to pay attention to your bridesmaids feet anyway. I don’t think that wanting to be comfortable is “running your wedding day.”

I agree with PP- I don’t think the shoes are a big deal. Just have them all get shoes similar in color. You obviously greatly value the girls and the relationships you have with them in order to have asked them to stand in your wedding. So why wouldn’t you want them to feel beautiful and comfortable? Plus, no offense, but the “matchy matchy” bridesmaid dresses, shoes & hair thing is kinda outdated.

Honestly she can suck it up and wear the shoes for like what an hour and then change into more comfy ones after pictures. I don’t see why she’s being a baby about it. I’d just tell her she doesn’t have to be in the wedding. She’s already made you change your vision, which is more than nice I think. It honestly seems like she wants things her way but it’s not her day so if it’s going to be too uncomfortable for her to stand in the dress you pick and the shoes you pick maybe she should just sit down with the rest of the guests.

View Quoted Comment It’s not all day only pictures and ceremony and I told her that

I dont think picking out people's shoes is a good idea. Some people cant walk in heels. Pick out their jewelry instead.

My FSIL tried to get her bridesmaids (I was one) to buy these cheap convertible dresses on amazon. The material was thin and SHEER, clingy, and looked AWFUL on me. It was not a bridesmaid dress, and she agreed. I kept my mouth shut about the next one even though it was ugly, because at least it wasn’t sheer. While we were wearing matching dresses, she let us choose the shoes. And after pictures and the ceremony we were allowed to change into anything we wanted! She was accommodating. Are you really going to not have your FSIL as a bridesmaid over shoes?! I’m 5’10. If you wanted me to wear anything over 2 inches for an extended period of time on my size 11/12 feet I’d laugh. Just let your bridesmaids choose nude or silver or whatever color you like. The super matchy matchy is a thing of the past.

View Quoted Comment Okay, but it’s still uncomfortable. And if she has her dress altered to that heel height, she either has to wear them all night or change into flats and drag her dress on the ground.

I agree about the shoes and especially if the dresses are long, honestly, no one -- in person or when looking at your photos later -- is ever going to see/notice their shoes. Daughter's 5 BMs all wore nude closed-toe shoes. A couple of them were in stilettos and at least two were in ballet flats. Immediately after the ceremony (but still for pictures) one of them who chose stilettos was so uncomfortable that she changed to the $1 gold Old Navy flip flops daughter gave them all to change into for the reception (if they wanted). There isn't a single photo (and daughter got back more than 1100) where you can tell what their shoes look like. Especially with a future SIL, who sounds insecure and definitely "extra," don't pick this hill -- it truly isn't worth it. (I do think you were extremely accommodating about the dress, so I get your frustration, but it seems likely this won't be her last issue. I'd let this one go and save up your "flexibility credits" for the next thing from her which might really matter to you.) Good luck!

PS -- I just noticed your date. If it's correct, it is REALLY early for them to be ordering dresses and shoes. SO much could happen that effects sizes (e.g., gain weight, lose weight, get pregnant, etc.) and/or possibly changes an individual's ability to be in the wedding. Most people don't even ask their wedding party until 6-9 months before the wedding; and an awesome by-product is much less time/opportunity for drama. I know it's too late for you, but maybe if you take a break from some of the details involving them it might lessen the stress & drama for everyone involved.

I get it. You wanted the matching bridesmaid look, and she’s ruining it for you even after you try to accommodate her. She’s being unreasonable. The one job you have as a bridesmaid is to show up wearing what the bride asks. You shouldn’t complain until you get your way. While I do understand what the other posters are saying about the shoes not being a big deal, lots of people do pictures of shoes and I think if it’s important to you, it is a big deal. You can tell her she can change into something else at the reception after pictures are done.

I wouldn’t have changed the dress for her, but what’s done is done. I think you should put your foot down and just tell her if she can’t fulfill the little you are asking, perhaps she should step down. What would be the next complaint, that she doesn’t like the groomsman she has to walk next to, or that she doesn’t like your flowers? There has to be boundaries, and clearly she is not willing to stay in her lane.

Honestly, I would have stuck to my guns on the dress. Now she feels like you let her get away with it once, she can do what she wants. But shoes should be the least of your worries.

She needs to get over it. You’ve already done your best to accommodate her, but when you have people like this nothing you do will ever be good enough for them. It may be that she is insecure but she agreed to be in the wedding. It’s not your fault that she doesn’t feel good about herself, and you have already changed your vision to fit her needs. Stick to your guns. If she wants to drop out there’s really nothing you can do.

I think you're both being a little unreasonable. First, as a bigger gal, I won't wear anything that makes me feel self conscious. My sister picked out these beautiful bridesmaid dresses for her vow renewal ceremony but they were strapless and I could tell wouldn't work for my body type (I am round lol) She ended up just letting us pick them because we were the ones buying and wearing them. Second, high heels are an absolute no for me unless they're chunky. Walking in heels creates challenges for me. Maybe it does for her as well. I think you both should compromise on the shoes. Pick a pair of shoes for everyone to wear but then make sure the heel is flat or kitten.

View Quoted Comment I'm a big girl and was only in my heels (2.25" mind you, not super high) for my pictures and ceremony and my feet were killing me by the end of the ceremony.
Are the bridesmaids dresses long? If so, it especially doesn't matter what the heck their shoes are.
I understand wanting uniformity but you also should take some consideration into their comforts.

Some people can’t walk in heels. 🙋🏼‍♀️
If she’s telling you now they’re too high I would listen. She could look like a newborn deer walking down your aisle. That would be worse than unmatching shoes in my opinion.

Wow I’m surprised how many people are being so hateful about a self-conscious bridesmaid. I get where she’s coming from since I literally hate my body. I think she probably feels better talking to you since she’s your future SIL and thinks she has some input. By sending dresses and saying “what do you think” she’s going to tell you what she thinks if she hates them all.

It seems the shoes are the real issue you’re concerned about. If the dresses are long no one is going to notice. I would rather a bridesmaid be comfortable and able to walk in shoes instead of being uncomfortable and wobbly (some people can’t walk in heels).