FH doesn't want to say vows at ceremony?

If you are already doing the repeat after me vows, you dont need personal vows.

if you really want to write vows to each other, write them in a journal or a letter and give them to each other to read the morning of. there's no need to say them in front of everyone

You can always do the traditional wording repeated after the officiant.

I went to a ceremony where the bride and groom whispered their vows to each other. The guests didn't hear them-- and it made the vows more special to them. As a guest, I thought it was sweet and seeing their reactions to each other's vows was touching.

Tell him you're saying your vows and it will all look a little strange if he doesn't repeat his vows. It's simply a matter of repeating words. Let him know that he doesn't have to compose the world's greatest love letter written to you and then share it in front of 170 people. The truth is, your guests will find his behavior a lot stranger if he doesn't repeat simple vows than if he does and fumbles a little (actually, most people think the fumbles are charming).

Listen, every individual has their own mental image of what the ceremony will look and feel like. Most of the time, the presence of the other half of the couple is enough to soothe the nerves of the other party. I've never seen a groom freeze, and I've seen grooms of all personality types standing in front of the officiant. Grab his hands if you need to steady his nerves. Your touch will go a long way in grounding him -- it's familiar and it's positive. He may stumble over the first sentence or two, but he'll rise to the occasion (unless he has a seriously debilitating social anxiety disorder, he may be nervous and soft spoken, but not paralyzed). Ask your officiant to keep the vows as short as possible if you're truly concerned.

Check with your officiant about what's legally required in your state for them to sign the license. Usually a specific statement of intent by both parties is required, so I doubt your fiance can totally get out of the vows if he wants to be legally married to you.

We did letters in the morning and just did the "I will" and repeat after me part during the ceremony.

When I have a bride or groom who is absolutely too shy to even repeat the traditional vows after me, I ask the vows in the form of a question (similar to the question of intent) so they just have to reply, "I do."

Our officiant suggested if you are too nervous, that the officiant reads the vows in the form of a question than you answer "I do." He says it doesn't happen often, but its an option.

Edited to add, Nancy, thats what mine suggested.

Uhm, what?? The vows ARE the ceremony. That's the entire point of the wedding.

My husband was the same way but he actually gets words mixed up when nervous and stutters (only when nervous.) We wrote our personal vows and I told him to hold my hands and if he was getting nervous i could squeeze his hands to remind him that its only me that he's talking to. We got through our ceremony with no problems and our officiant had made it easy on him by keeping the sentences shorter.

My husband and I are the same way--very private. We had no interest in baring our souls in front of our entire guest list. Instead, we wrote each other cards and exchanged them the night before. During our ceremony, we just repeated after the officiant. We had also emailed him in advance to give him an idea of what we love about each other, what we're looking forward to most in the future etc., and he incorporated that in the ceremony, which was nice.

We are writing our own vows, but we know that we will both cry and not make it through. We took our vows and flipped them around so the officiant can read OUR vows. For example, instead of "I promise you that I will....", I wrote, "Do you promise that you will...." That way, we have personalized vows AND we only have to say "I do." It's the best of both worlds.

I just wanted to make sure I read the op right when she said that they WILL be doing the official "I will/do" vows but they are having problems with the personal vows. A wedding is still a wedding without personal vows, as long as you say I do to the officiant. My fh does not want to do personal vows just answer the questions that the officiant asks and I am fine with that. We can always tell each other personal vows at another time. but to each his/her own, if you want personal vows great if not great its still a wedding.

As the highly introverted one in my relationship, I'd say don't pressure him about this. The traditional "repeat after me" vows are going to be hard enough to do in front of an audience, a personal vow can be given to you the morning of, or after.

I know it's hard sometimes for people who aren't painfully shy to understand why it's such a challenge, but remember that he's not trying to frustrate you or throw the day off for you, he's trying to protect himself from something really difficult/stressful.

I've heard of people having the officiant read the vows. I've been grappling with this too I'm a fairly private person so the thought my personal heartfelt vows being read in front crowd makes me veeeerrrrryyyyy nervous. FH and I agreed that if I did not feel comfortable reading personal vows during the ceremony we could always do their standard and save our private vows for before or after or whenever

I can't help but wonder if more is going on here. I think everyone understands how wedding ceremonies and vows work. I'm with everyone else who agrees he needs to say or echo something!

It doesnt seem fair to me to push him to do something that makes him uncomfortable on his wedding day.

I think I understand. Your officiant suggested you do both the repeated vows and personalized vows. And your FH is nervous about saying his personalized vows in front of a crowd. Am I understanding that correctly?

If that's the case, then you could do a couple of things. A lot of couples exchange letters the morning of the wedding. You could put these vows into a letter and exchange them to read while you're getting ready. You could also read them to each other in a private moment after the ceremony. My officiant and photographer are arranging for us to have 5-10 minutes after the ceremony away from everyone, so this would give you the perfect time to read those vows privately.

When you are up there you kinda block out the world around you an only see him an the officiant. But that's what you use your guests for as witnesses to your your vows. I'd tell him to get his best man and go up to where you are getting married and practice. But my husband and I had over 200 guest and I only saw the front row ppl and the ppl up there with us. We also did the repeat after me vows.

We picked out vows from online and did them in a repeat after me format. There was a mic between the officiant and us, but my mom said it didn't catch us at all. So perhaps he'd be ok with something like that. Honestly, I was so focused on the moment and DH that I forgot the people were even watching for the vows!

ETA I despise public speaking too!