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Expert July 2020

fh doesn't want to go to rehearsal

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Courtney, on May 11, 2020 at 6:05 PM

Hey everyone! Hope you're all staying safe.

So my FH doesn't want to attend the rehearsal. He's a very private person & he mentioned that he wants some alone time the week of the wedding which I'm understanding of and okay with, however he doesn't want to attend the wedding rehearsal. Initially he didn't even want to have a rehearsal or rehearsal dinner. He said it wasn't needed but I convinced him that we need at least some type of run through because we have kids in the wedding, and our venue set up is different than most. He agreed to that, along with a mini dinner but now he doesn't want to attend the rehearsal. He said the DOC, myself and my mother can run the rehearsal. He's also the musician for the wedding as he will be playing the piano as everyone comes down the aisle including myself. I think he needs to be there , but he's saying he doesn't he think he should and that he can just have a recording of the music to give me. I've already asked him why but didn't get a good explanation. Is it really that big deal if he isn't there? I feel like it would be awkward but I think this is something so small to debate about. For those of you who had a rehearsal, did both of you attend the rehearsal?

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49 Comments

VIP October 2020
Samantha · on May 11, 2020 at 7:25 PM
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I’ve been in several weddings and I’ve never known the couple not to attend. If the guests of honor won’t be there, I wouldn’t see the point.
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on May 11, 2020 at 7:27 PM
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Here's the thing. Etiquette would dictate that you should have a dinner to thank people for coming to the rehearsal, etc. HOWEVER, things are way different in the Era of covid-19. You can offer to buy dinner for the bridal party, or even order something delivered to your house (hotel) so people have the option of coming and going for however long they want. You could also do the rehearsal early in the day (if your venue allows it) so it's not around meal time?

If you and your FH think things might get tense with a long dinner and there might be an altercation (verbal or otherwise) or it sets up tension for the day of, only you guys can make that call.
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on May 11, 2020 at 7:31 PM
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Those are some good ideas Julie! Thank you! I'll have to revisit the rehearsal dinner with him. Initially I thought he just didn't want to have a dinner, so I'll see if that's still the case or the rehearsal itself. I would hope that there wouldn't be any type of altercation, however , I know this wouldn't be uncommon when it comes to bringing to families together, the tension of covid and the fact that some bridal party members haven't been cooperating as much. I like the options you chose! If needed, this way maybe we can work out some other th like the ones you just mentioned! I appreciate your help!
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on May 11, 2020 at 7:35 PM
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Absolutely! And may I just say, your dress is beautiful and I LOVE your natural hair! How will you be styling it? (Sorry unrelated)
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on May 11, 2020 at 7:46 PM
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Thank you!! Can't wait to wear it 😃 and I haven't fully decided yet. He likes my hair out like in the picture, but our wedding is in July in Florida soo not sure how that will hold up in the heat! But I'm thinking of getting something similar to the picture below where the back is up, and just the front is out in curls & lol you're fine
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on May 11, 2020 at 7:55 PM
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Yes, the groom absolutely needs to attend the rehearsal. Him not attending would be very strange, to say the least...I would have a talk with him
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on May 11, 2020 at 8:49 PM
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So here is how I see things because I am marrying someone that has social anxiety. While I think it is important he should be there I think there needs to be a happy medium. I am not trying to comment on your relationship as I do not know you two but the reason I am not having a larger wedding is because my FH hates any attention and I needed to come up with a happy medium that was not us going to the courthouse. I do agree rehearsals are important but since it was something he had to be convinced to have it sounds like he did not want one and now that it is coming up he is concerned about it. For what you are describing I can see why it is important but I think since maybe let him bow out of this one because although I do feel he should be there I think if he has compromised for you in other ways maybe let him have this one? This is a tough situation and I hope it works out.
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Super June 2020
Renee · on May 11, 2020 at 8:50 PM
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Yes, it is necessary for him to be there. He may not be nervous about the wedding but he’s going to have butterflies, nerves, feelings of anxiousness, gitty, forgetfulness, diarrhea, happy, excited or whatever the day of. All which can alter the brain in the moment. And he’s going to feel extremely silly asking “what am I supposed to do, where do I stand, who’s going first? When he could have simply attended the rehearsal. Every wedding I have been in, the groom was there with his bride at rehearsal. Hope that helps.
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on May 11, 2020 at 8:54 PM
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Yes you definitely seem more understanding of the situation! Thank you! I wasnt at all implying he doesn't want to get married. I agree, we're all about compromise as well. He wants a very small wedding and we compromised on something "medium sized", however I think it's important for a rehearsal just because I'm little OCD about things & want things a certain way. I don't think I'd have a problem with him not being ABLE to rehearse , just that people might think it's weird or wonder where he is .. on top of that him playing the music. Other than that, I respect him wanting privacy & time to himself without others distracting him or saying things to make him nervous. It's just very hard to decide on a happy medium other than him not attending. In all honesty, I was looking for suggestions for a happy medium when I originally made the post, but I guess I should've worded it better.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on May 11, 2020 at 9:06 PM
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No it is okay and I would be concerned and bothered if he said that. Once I saw some of your posts I got where you were coming from. I get your situation because I know that my FH would be the same. Heck at first it was his idea to have a small wedding just close family but once I started making plans and mentioning money then he got frustrated and it went back to him wanting it to be us two. I feel you I am type A and I like things to be done in a timely fashion and make sure they are perfect. It sounds like he is just playing music so is there something special about him walking in? If not, maybe you two could practice alone prior to others coming and he can sit off to the side and watch how the procession would be so at least he knows the timing for the music?
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on May 11, 2020 at 9:14 PM
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Yes and it would help if I knew the reason why! Then I could understand his feelings more, vs not knowing the reason. His brothers are part of the bridal party along with their kids but haven't been cooperative or as supportive, so I'm not sure if this has anything to do it. And nope, he hasn't said anything about wanting anything special while walking in. He just wants to walk in and play for everyone else walking in. He's a really talented musician so I'm sure he knows the timing in his head already lol
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on May 11, 2020 at 9:19 PM
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Girl men do not communicate feelings. LOL it is annoying. I think a chat with him and maybe ask him suggestions of what would make him comfortable apart from not showing up. The headache that comes with men. I hope things work out and keep us posted.
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Devoted July 2021
Jeni · on May 11, 2020 at 9:43 PM
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I think you've already compromised by letting him have a week of alone time leading up to your wedding. It's his turn to compromise and spend 20 minutes rehearsing. He has 1,420 other minutes of the day to be alone.

I get that wedding planning is stressful and you guys want time to yourselves before the chaos of the day. My FH and I aren't telling anyone where we're staying the week of so we can be left alone. But the rehearsal is for everyone involved to practice, including the bride AND groom. It's also rude for him to have his bridal party show up (even with all the drama) for his event and he's not even there. This has to be a non-negotiable.
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VIP October 2020
Anna · on May 11, 2020 at 10:59 PM
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I will say with COVID, things are changing. It’s definitely typically expected to offer dinner to those who attend the rehearsal. Rehearsal dinners are now often seen as a way to spend more time with those out of town guests. But COVID concerns are definitely worth taking into consideration regarding a rehearsal dinner. However, I do think there needs to be a rehearsal and I do think he needs to be there. Like I don’t consider it an option at all. I mean, my dad will only be playing the one small role of walking me down the aisle and I still expect him to be there.

Your FH will not only be standing by you the entire ceremony but also playing the music. I think it will definitely be good to practice and have a quick run-through so that he’s more comfortable on the wedding day.
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on May 11, 2020 at 11:00 PM
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Lol they don't normally unless you ask! But he did end up telling me why he doesn't want the rehearsal, so now it's just a matter of finding a happy medium. I even mentioned him just being there, but not having to say much or direct anything. But thank you sis for the help!
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on May 11, 2020 at 11:01 PM
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I understand, Thank you.
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on May 11, 2020 at 11:03 PM
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Yes maybe we can find some other alternative to the dinner, but I do agree about him attending the rehearsal. He did end up telling me why he doesn't want the rehearsal which definitely helps and now I'm more understanding to it. So now it's just a matter of how to get through it , and how we can agree on it.
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Expert July 2020
Courtney · on May 11, 2020 at 11:05 PM
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Julie , I meant to say your dress is also beautiful!! Was it blush?
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on May 11, 2020 at 11:16 PM
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Thanks so much! It was my favorite thing! It was actually Lavender! But it changed a lot depending on the light.
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VIP October 2020
Anna · on May 11, 2020 at 11:34 PM
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Good, yes. Communication is key. It’s hard, but it’s definitely worth it.
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