fh and i dont talk about wedding stuff

View Quoted Comment Absolutely this. If he’s not interested in helping anymore, plan the elopement you want & Dutch the stress of a wedding.

Ugh. “Ditch” the stress. That’s what I meant. 😂

Like PP's have said, I would definitely take a step back from any planning until you have a conversation with him and where you all are going with planning so you're on the same page financially for wedding expenses. My FH isn't into a lot of planning things but he's starting to get himself into it. This past weekend he started talking about his groom proposals and ideas. The only thing so far that we've had to do financially was our venue...we made our deposit back in August and just recently did our second payment. I've been to a bridal show and started scoping vendors. He's pretty much a "whatever you want" guy as well but like another poster said, I am only giving him a decision between 2 choices...this or that and being done with it. I can't give him like 5 photographers to chose from, that's not going to work. So maybe try that approach once you guys get on the same page of planning. I see you have a 2021 date...you have time but you don't have time; maybe that's what he's thinking. Have the conversation and also express that things do book quickly...we can't start looking to book things in January of 2021. Maybe he doesn't understand that. Best of luck to you and I do hope that you guys work everything out and that he gets more involved in all aspects.

A similar thing happened to me. I would have been okay with the courthouse because I knew most of the financial stuff would fall on us. He wanted to have the big wedding (and I did too if money weren't a factor) so I agreed. I have ended up planning everything. (This hasn't annoyed me because I am very Type A and do financial planning for a living.) We did have a conversation in the beginning where we figured out what we could each contribute monthly. He wanted to take it a month at a time and just "throw in what we can" and I told him no. If you want to have a wedding, a budget NEEDS to be made so you don't spend more than you can afford. Figure out what outside contributions you will receive and then look at your expenses/discretionary cash flow. You'll probably have to be pretty disciplined with money for a little while but that's the only way you'll be able to diligently save. I would tell him that this needs to happen or you are not planning anything else. It's not YOUR responsibility to cover all the costs. It's Y'ALLS wedding.

You need to talk to him about how you are feeling. Especially since he wanted the big wedding

Thank you everyone! I have gathered some of your opinions wrote notes so i wont forget. Printed off wedding stuff that we have booked and ideas and Hope to sit down with him after dinner tonite. (I think im more of a laid back person until things build up and i guess 9 month of planning and now its coming into the bigger stuff is what is making me angry, So i cant go after him for allowing this to happen but we do need to have a serious conversation.)

To be continued..........

View Quoted Comment This. 100%. If it was “whatever you want”, then he would have agreed to the vegas plan.


My fiancé and I were in the same situation (except for the money part... he was at least paying for his share), but I made sure to fix that real quick. If you want a big wedding, you’re going to help plan it!

I would definitely talk to him about what his visions are for your wedding, and try to implement some of your ideas as well so that it can be a wedding both of you want. This situation calls for a compromise. If I had to assume, it seems he is not interested in planning or contributing because he's not getting any of his ideas. I always try to ask my fiance for his input to ensure I'm considering what he wants out of it. It's not just my wedding. I want him to feel comfortable too.

He’s not helping pay??? At least if he doesn’t have an opinion on anything he can hand over some money. No offense but sounds like some premarital counseling can definitely help.

Sounds like a bigger conversation definitely needs to happen. Have you discussed finances, taxes, or kids yet? Getting married is part of becoming a unit and sharing responsibility for things. You don't necessarily need to have a joint bank account, but "what's his is his and what's mine is mine" doesn't sound like equity in a marriage to me.

If this were me, I'd put a halt to all the planning and sit down and have a heart to heart with my guy. Planning a wedding is a lot of work, and it's completely unfair that all of that falls on you. Also, the wedding is for BOTH of you, not just the bride, so him not chipping in financially either would be a big cause of concern for me. If my FH changed the subject every time I brought up our wedding, I'd reconsider whether marriage was the right choice for us at that point in our relationship. It sounds like either he doesn't feel it's his responsibility (which is incorrect) or something about getting married is giving him pause and he's trying to avoid it completely.

This of course doesn't mean he's a bad guy or you can't work through any of this together, but a conversation needs to happen soon. Pre-marriage counseling might be really helpful for both of you, as a professional counselor may help you break into those tough discussion areas in a way that can be productive for both of you. Good luck!

I Feel you because my situation is the same we however did discuss how payments would work and who was responsible for what but as far as decorations designs things like that he's not interested. I just said I should have stuck to my guns and we should have met in the Middle with a simple small ceremony are gone to the justice of the peace or did it destination wedding just like I wanted and not have to deal with the headache

FH isn't overly involved in actual detail wedding planning but he is taking over the majority of the spending on vendors while I have done the majority of spending on decoration and details. I would talk to your FH about your concerns on the differences in wedding planning and financial planning. It is concerning he is viewing things as "his" and "yours" when it comes to your future together. It's a red flag for sure.

View Quoted Comment Yeeeees I agree, if you can’t talk about wedding decisions, talking about real life situations when married won’t be any easier. Sad.

When my FH asked me to marry him he wouldn't discuss any details with me. He is very much a "whatever you want" kind of person. As our engagement has gotten closer to our wedding day, he's become a bit more open to discussing things. When I ask his opinion, I have to be very specific about 2 things instead of showing him all the things. This has helped a lot. In the beginning I was getting very frustrated because I felt like I was doing it all myself, so I sat him down and we talked. He told me that he thought that you get married and all the small details just magically show up! It never occurred to him that we would need to discuss things like colors, food, music, etc. He's needed lots of time to adjust to the idea that he's going to be getting married and some of these things need to be decided! He's still not all into wedding planning, but at least now if I ask him a question about it he'll listen to me and then discuss his opinion because he heard mine. He will not go out and plan on his own like I have been.

As far as money goes, I'm paying for the wedding. This was understood from the beginning though and I'm fine with it. He would have 0 problem going to the courthouse and getting married. I do not want that so what I want, I pay for. We compromised. Instead of the courthouse, I get a small wedding with 30 guests at my mom's property. We are also a family of your money is your money and my money is mine. When it comes to the bills we split them up and help each other out when necessary, so I do understand this. There are no barriers between us though, each step of the way, we've discussed. If I'm having trouble paying for something then all I have to do is ask and he helps out.

You need to put the breaks on your wedding and really discuss this with him. I do understand parts of it because I'm dealing with a bit of the same thing. But until he has a definite opinion on whether or not he wants this wedding, you are putting more stress on yourself!

I totally understand! We are finally ready to start planning, I want the courthouse in a couple of months and maybe a big party next summer but he wants a wedding and doesn't want to go to any of the appointments and tells me I need to just relax when I bring it up! The only difference is he thinks he has to pay for everything so he is stressed....lol... I keep telling him he doesn't have to pay for my dress but he's convinced this is what he is supposed to do so who am I to tell him different.

I'm sorry but if he doesn't want to help you plan your wedding or help pay for it, I say dont have one because his money is not just his money it's all about both parties bring it together as one, even before the wedding .. my soon to be husband has always been there with money and plans , it kinda sounds like a control,selfish person. Do you really want to marry some one that controls the money. Do it together or not at all! Prayers goes out to you, god is good..

I had the exact same issue and it's definitely something you need to address sooner than later. We had additional outside stressors that played a huge factor, but the week I was going to mail save-the-dates he called everything off. It took about 3 months of talking and crying and figuring stuff out before we decided to move forward with our wedding. Now that everything is worked out between us he has been way more involved and I don't feel anxious about bringing up our wedding anymore. I don't want to scare you or give you unnecessary anxieties, but I do think you need to talk this out with him before it gets too late. I wish you the best! I wouldn't worry about the money unless he can actually contribute something. The portions of our wedding that we are paying for are coming out of my paychecks simply because I make more than he does.

My FH will not give me his advise on things after he told me he wanted to get married close to home. So once I chose the venue and told him that this is the place I wanted to get married. He said okay that works and nothing else. When I asked him about what he wants to ware he just said " Whatever you want me to ware" so I planed every bit of our wedding. I am a very indecisive person and need input. So i asked for my MOH to help. I did get his help on the venue payment but he just wants me to make it the way i have always dreamed it would be. I asked him to tell me who he wanted his best man to be and then told him who the rest of the rest of the groomsmen ( his friends) names. Hopefully, you are making the dream wedding you have always wanted and I think that maybe that's why he is staying quite.

It looks like you still have a little time to go. My FH wasn't very into planning certain things and didn't really start getting excited until we hit the 1 year mark. He may start to get excited as it gets closer. My FH just wanted me to keep him updated on what we were spending and he pretty much gave me free reign to do whatever I wanted.

View Quoted Comment I’m in the same boat. My FH wants something fun and easy with food, music and a cool venue but when we talk about how to plan for it, it turns into a fight and he says he’s done planning. If he really doesn’t care, I would just take the reins.