Feeling guilty about having a 2nd wedding......

His mom really wanted the traditional stuff associated with the whole wedding. So I gave in and went along with it. And seriously, who doesn't love getting presents. But there is a big part of me that feels bad having people that were extremely generous at the first wedding be expected to contribute again. And I know that my friend thinks it kinda tacky that I'm doing it all over again even though she would never say it like that. And I do kinda agree. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a rock and a hard place and just my FH have his day too. It's not just about me. Lol. I have struggled with this the whole time. Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you come to terms with it?

I am not in this situation, but I went to a wedding for a couple in their 30s who lived together. The groom had been married before, but it never crossed my mind that it was inappropriate of them to have a big wedding. No one said anything like that at the wedding, and I really don't think anyone thought it either. Everyone there was just so happy that he'd found the right woman. People who love you will only be happy for you. Just because it didn't work out the first time doesn't mean that you don't deserve to celebrate in a big way now. Don't worry about the thoughts of others, and just focus on you and your fiance and how happy you are to have a big party to look forward to!

Tania, I totally agree with that,but the damage is kinda done at this point. The shower is this Saturday and everyone is invited. Most of my friends and family are fine with it and don't care. It just happens to be a couple of people who are close to me, whose opinions do matter to me, I know are finding it kinda weird I'm doing the whole big thing again. And it kinda makes me uncomfortable to even bring it up. Ugh....

If she thinks its that tacky she doesn't have to buy you anything. Thats easy. If your wedding was 5 years ago or less (where its recent wedding memory) I may agree but 10 years ago? Plus ppl have to understand your FH has nvr been married. Not allowing him this is basically implying weddings are all about women/the bride.

Thanks guys. I'm feeling a little better about it all now. It was a slightly awkward conversation with my BFF who was my MOH at my first wedding and is a BM this time. I think I feel most bad/awkward/guilty for her since she contributed a lot financially and also with her time the first time around. So I don't want her to feel like she has to do anything this time. But she has made a couple of comments here and there as if she doesn't agree with some of the decisions I'm making. It's tougher when it's your BFF and you totally care what they think. But I know of course she is happy for me.

I think you could graciously tell your friend, "Look, his mom really wants to do this, and he's never been married before. But I know you've done this all before for me, and I'll fully understand if you decline this time." Your FMIL will still be happy, you'll still have your shower, and you'll avoid imposing on your friend.

I agree with 2d Bride! I totally see why you're in a tough spot. If it's just these few people, you could be completely honest with them -- let them know you're uncomfortable with it, that you weren't sure how to turn down FMIL's generosity, and that you absolutely don't expect shower attendance / wedding gifts from any of your guests, you'd just be honored to have them present to celebrate with you.

I am in a very similar situation. My first marriage was 11 years ago, and I did all the wedding stuff back then. My FH was actually married before as well, but it was as small destination wedding, and his mom and family really wanted us to have an actual wedding. So I am doing a medium-sized wedding (about 85-90 people), but I actually offended some people saying I wouldn't do a shower. After all the drama that caused, I would actually go your route - I'd rather feel a little guilty. I have specified no gifts to my friends, but created a registry to appease others...it's a weird situation we're in! Good luck with talking to the few friends, and know that you aren't selfish or tacky. You are enjoying the celebration of your love with a new life partner!

It totally is a sticky situation to be in. His family and some of my friends are all for the big wedding and shower and a handful of my friends (the ones that were there the first time) think I'm crazy. It's an awkward situation for sure. I guess you can't please everyone.

You can't please everyone. Just talk to your friends who have specifically told you they aren't really on board with this part. Tell them you certainly don't expect a gift. They don't have to come to your shower. Just talk to them about it.

This will be fh's 2nd wedding, my first. I was willing to scale things back because he had already done it. He flipped his lid and said no, I deserve the day I dreamed of. There was a reason his first marriage didn't work. His family and friends are on board. I won't be having a shower (logistics vs want) but will have a Bacherlotte the week of the wedding with my girls.

I get why it might be uncomfortable, but I think it's kinda crappy your friends are making you feel that way. It would be so unfair to deny your FH the wedding he wants just because you've been married before. And every one likes to say "It's your day, you do what you want!" but I think it would be selfish not to consider what this means to your families as well (within reason of course.)

You're getting married on my birthday.

My situation is similar. This is a second wedding for both FH and I; we both had big weddings the first time. I didn't want to go thru the wedding crap again, not because of tact but because I know what a pain in the ass it is. He felt that I deserved better than the courthouse and we're winding up with a massive wedding that is probably going to be 2x the size of my first one. When I was buying my wedding dress, I said something about feeling silly buying a dress that elaborate for a second wedding... the consultant said no... it's not a second wedding, it's a WEDDING. Period. I've really tried to take that attitude. Luckily, the only negativity I've gotten has been a few raised eyebrows about wearing a white dress (yes, I know people who still believe that rule, and no, they're not 80).

If your FH's family is excited, let them celebrate. You can let your family and friends know that you aren't expecting them to contribute.

I WAS in the same boat. I too was married about 11 years ago and divorced just a couple of years later. When my FH proposed to me (this is his first wedding), I let him decide what he wanted as far as traditional, DW, etc. He opted for a DW and we still have about 60 people coming down with us, some of which were at my first wedding. I went through that whole phase where I felt super guilty and silly for having another big wedding. After several months I had a friend tell me, why feel guilty? Enjoy every second of it. I kind of feel that since my first wedding wasn't necessarily what I wanted and my ex was no good for me anyway, this is my "first" wedding with the right guy and we are doing everything we want to do and not cutting corners...from the guest gift choices, to the venue of our dreams. So, do NOT feel bad at all. This is your chance to have your "first" wedding with the man of your dreams. And who cares if your friends may not agree with what you are doing? They haven't been in your footsteps.

I'm in the opposite situation as you are. It's my FH's 2nd and my 1st and my parents/friends want me to have the whole big thing. I would have just as soon eloped the week after we got engaged, but we do things for the people that we love (and I'm obviously very grateful that my family/friends want to celebrate me so). I wonder all the time if some people think we're being tacky by doing it all over (for him), but haters gonna hate. You can't please everyone, so just enjoy everything.