Feeling Discouraged

You could elope. But I only suggest that if you really want to. Don’t do it because of your parents. Honestly them suggesting you have two separate weddings so they don’t have to see each other is crazy to me. My brother just got married and my mom had to see all of my dads side of the family for the first time in over 20 years because of divorce. Was is it uncomfortable for her? Yes but it was about my brothers wedding so she put it aside. They can be sat at opposite sides of the building. I would sit down and have a serious talk with your father and stepmom and explain that this is important to you and that you would really love their support on your wedding day.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's very unfair of your father and stepmother to keep acting like children. First off, stop including them in wedding things. They aren't being responsive or positive, it's not worth the sad feelings you get when they have bad responses to you just being nice and including them. Second, I'd talk about that with your fiance. Even if you have a party and elope, I assume both your parents will still be there? So that aspect wouldn't change. Regardless, I'd surround yourself for your wedding planning (and the rest of your life) with people that support you and are positive and want the best for you.

Stop sharing details with your dad and stepmom. They are obviously rude, immature and insensitive to their daughter's/stepdaughter's needs, so they don't need to be involved. They have already expressed how they feel, so that's that. You should not have your experience or your wedding ruined by people who clearly don't know how to act like adults. The less you tell them, the less they have to complain about.

Keep working with your mom, and any other family/friends you want involved, and plan the wedding of your dreams.

If my dad acted that way, I don't think I would even invite him. but that's up to you, based on your situation/feelings.

But don't give them any power to ruin your experience! This is YOUR wedding, not theirs.

I would have your wedding, don’t involve your dad and stepmom in the planning. Invite them. If they want to choose to miss their daughter’s wedding because they can’t be in the same room as your mom, that’s their loss.

One of my close friend's parents are like this too. So much so my friend didn't want them in the same pictures! But her parents were kind on her wedding day, and everyone was able to breathe.
I say keep going with the wedding planning. Your dad and step mom are being selfish, not you. This is about you, and they are making it about them. I'm sorry that they are doing this, that's so not fair. I would sit them down and tell them how they are hurting you, and ruining this for you. BUT I would continue to plan. If they want to be there, they better be there. If not, they are the ones missing out and it is entirely their fault.
Take a deep breath, go get a massage, and just relax. It will all work out 🧡

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Thank you Shelly! I have had the thought of eloping but all I have ever wanted is a perfect little wedding and I hate that they are pushing me to the though of eloping. My family situation has always been very hard to deal with, my dad and step mom always being an issue in most cases and we just recently really mended that and then this happens. I am with you though, they should be able to act like adults and stop being petty towards each other. I just hope they will be good on the day of the wedding.

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Thank you Joanna! I will I just need to brush it off and plan my dream wedding with or without their help!

I don't think you're being selfish or overdramatic, and there's a really simple solution to the problem: don't talk to your dad and stepmom about wedding planning. Period. Don't tell them about the super cool vendor you just booked, ask their opinion on colors for bridesmaid dresses, or go check out vendors with you. They've shown how they feel about this, and shouldn't be surprised that you (an adult) are making a decision to not be around poor and toxic behavior.

Planning two separate weddings is absolutely out of the question. I think the biggest question here is do you want your dad to be there or are you inviting him out of a sense of obligation/don't have a relationship? Do you have a step dad - are you close and want to share the traditional wedding/dad experiences with him? If you and your dad are close, this is a perfect opportunity to remind him of all the memories you two will make with him walking you down the aisle and having a dad-daughter dance. You still have plenty of time to enjoy planning and getting ready for your wedding with your mom (and I hope you're able to take a step back from the stress and really enjoy this experience!), but before invitations go out I would plan to inform your dad and stepmom that you are inviting ALL of your parents, and it is important for you to have ALL of your parents HAPPILY attend the wedding to show the support for their daughter. Drama is not welcome here, nor will it be tolerated. The decision is up to them to determine if they can act cordially and attend the wedding or not. There are several minor arrangements you can make such as: having them sit on separate sides of the ceremony space, different tables across the room at dinner, etc. If you're still worried see if there is another time where you can get all of them in the same room BEFORE the wedding to relive a bit of the stress.

I was in a similar situation, having divorced parents who are both in relationships but my mom is very openly bitter about my dad's girlfriend. I made it very clear to her that she will always be my mom but I also have a good relationship with dad's GF and want her to be included. Once my mom realized that I was putting my sanity and wedding enjoyment first...which meant she wouldn't be included if she couldn't get along...she definitely snapped out of it!

You aren't being selfish. It's selfish to request that you have 2 weddings because they aren't mature enough to be in the same room as your mom. That's crazy. Even if you did do that (please don't!) there would be an argument about who gets to go to the first wedding (the real one) vs the second one (which would essentially be a renewal).
I would just keep planning the wedding of your dreams, with your moms support, and send an invite to your dad/step mom. If they choose not to come then that's a choice THEY made.

Well,. If he does not want to help pay for a wedding then he wont get a separate one. Why would he think you would throw two different weddings for this? Your parents don't have to interact with each other and they also don't have to sit next to each other. He is making it a big deal and it is not about him and his wife. It is about you and your FH. If He and her decide not to come, then that's their loss. That is a weird expectation to have of their daughter. If he can't come to the understanding that it will be one wedding or he can pay for the second wedding then I would recommend eloping.

Thank you all for the motivating words! I am glad that you all agree on that my dad and step mom are being extremely childish. I will not do a second wedding for them no matter what, and I am going to stop trying to make them apart of anything. If they come then great and if not then I will enjoy my day with a little less stress!

I would do the wedding just not talk about wedding details to your dad and stepmom. If they’re gonna act like that let them just do that on their own. I have tons of divorces, most people sucked it up for one day, and my father in law chose not to come because I guess 20 years isn’t long enough to get over being mad at my mother in law. They don’t have to be nice to each other, just in the same room for your wedding and if they can’t do that it’s their problem not yours.

Your father is completely asinine. The suggestion of 2 weddings blows me away. That is beyond selfish of him. Stop talking weddings with him, and it's up to him whether he comes or not.


Family only microwedding is an in between option. There would not be as much of a buffer between your parents, but don't plan your wedding around your father.

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Thank you! I am just gonna let them decide if they want to be apart of it! I am going to plan my wedding and not worry about their problems.

You are not being selfish at all. Divorced parents need to set their feelings aside when it comes to things like this. I agree with PP - don't involve them in the planning, invite them, and they should do what's right. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that! I hope it all works out. Don't let that get you down on wedding planning.

Im sorry you feel like you can't enjoy this special time in your life. You're not being selfish at all!! If anything your dad is being selfish. Like others said don't include them in the planning, their actions speak louder than words. Just go ahead and have the wedding you want. Invite them and then it's up to them to decide if they can put you first for one day. Hopefully your dad will see you won't give 9n to his childish demands and deal with it.

I would definitely stop talking to them about the wedding because it sounds like have nothing, but negative things to say. Your mom is obviously really excited and seems more than willing to help with things so I would only talk to her or others that are actually positive about your wedding. You should have the wedding of your dreams and if eloping isn't it then don't do it because you will end up regretting it. Also, don't let your dad or step-mom influence your decide. If they can't act like adults or refuse to attend your wedding that's on them. My father-in-law is estranged from two of his children and separated from my mother-in-law and has been for 15 years, but that didn't stop any of them or him from attending. Everyone managed to act like adults and be there for us. Hopefully when the day comes your dad and step-mom will put aside their feelings for you guys. My husband's older brother (the one my father-in-law is estranged from) swore he wouldn't take photos with my father-in-law. We didn't make him at our wedding, but my husband's young brother that got married 6 weeks after us did and he didn't say a word because he knew that's what his brother wanted. I hope this works out.

So sorry you’re going through this ! If your dad and stepmom aren’t helping you pay for the wedding they aren’t entitled to an opinion.
I chose to get married on a Sunday since it’s cheaper and some of my aunts and uncles had so much to say so I just told them I would be sending them an invite if they show up or not that would be up to them.
Honestly enjoy it ! Plan with your mother and don’t include your dad and stepmom on anything send them an invite and leave it up to them if they want to show up or not. It’s your day!

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Agree 100%. To ask you to have a separate wedding for their benefit is ludicrous. Are they paying for it?? Even if they were, that is insane. If someone pulled this with me, I also would cut them from my list, but of course that is up to you. But they are being totally unreasonable. Keep working with your mom and cut them out of your discussion. If they ask, just say you’re looking into things and leave it at that.

View Quoted Comment They are only offering to pay for something for in their words “ to make it fair” they expect my mom to pay for most of it so they can just chip in. That’s how deep their pettiness goes for my mom. I’m going to tell them not to chip in at all and they will get their invitation in the mail!