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Maria
Just Said Yes April 2021

Fatherless bride

Maria, on June 3, 2021 at 6:14 PM Posted in Wedding Ceremony 0 4
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Hi all,


Just looking for some advice. I recently lost my father to covid, but before that my father was battling cancer. I was very close to my dad and talked to him often about my wedding plans. Originally, my husband and i were planning on having a wedding with 120 guests for our original date in April. In January of this year, we made the decision to get married on our original date (April 23, 2021) with my husband's and my parents, siblings, and God parents and to push our bigger wedding to November because I was concerned about my dad catching covid. My dad always encouraged me to get married and have a celebration later because he knew this was what I originally wanted. At the middle of February he caught COVID and was in the hospital for the next month up until he passed away. The night before he was put on the ventilator he called me to tell me that I had his blessing and to just get married. On March 19th, a little more than a month from my wedding he passed away. My husband and I decided to honor his final wishes and just get married with our parents, siblings, grandparents and best man and maid of honor in attendance. We intended to have the bigger wedding in November, but lately I haven't been feeling up to it and have been depressed over my father's passing. I was thrown a surprise bridal shower a few days after his funeral and now feel obligated to have the event in November even though I haven't felt up to it. Just looking for some insight/advice. Thank you.

4 Comments

Latest activity by Eniale, on June 4, 2021 at 11:42 AM
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    I am so sorry for your loss. All of that sounds very painful. First, set aside any feelings of obligation to have a large party because of that shower. Your loved ones threw you a shower because they love you and not to make you feel guilty.

    Second, many people say not to make big decisions when you are grieving. It's very difficult to untangle your feelings and figure out what you really want when you are hurting. Can you put the November plans on hold and revisit the decision in a couple months? Or cancel those plans now and trust that you will know when the time is right to begin planning your celebration again.

    You may find you and your husband feel like celebrating next spring. Or you may find you both feel satisfied with the wedding you had in April and you don't need another celebration. Either is fine, but make sure you let your husband support you through your grief and these decisions. Navigating a new marriage through mourning and depression is difficult, but if you lean on him, it will help you both.

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  • devotedlydavis
    Expert March 2022
    devotedlydavis ·
    • Flag
    My heartfelt sympathy and deepest condolences on the loss of your father. I can’t imagine what you’re going through and wish there was something we could do to help.


    I lost my dad 6 years ago and have been struggling with my wedding because it will be such a stark reminder that he isn’t there. I can’t imagine how you feel as you’re still in the horrible “year of the firsts”. I would delay the party until you feel up to it. There is nothing that dictates when you have to celebrate your marriage and I’m sure your family and friends will understand if you tell them that you’re postponing until a later date. You can always move it and do it to celebrate your one or two year anniversary or not have it at all.
    I suspect that they threw you the shower and hoped it would lighten your spirits. I wouldn’t feel obligated to have a party, I think if you have a heart felt conversation with a few the word will spread and all will (should) be more than empathetic.
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  • L
    Lisa ·
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    Beautifully written Maggie.
    Maria, I am so sorry for your loss.

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  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag

    All of my love to you. Truly. The loss of a parent is life-changing.

    I say this only to show where my advice comes from: I lost my father last year to cancer. While every relationship is unique and special, I do empathize and understand where you are.

    You are not obligated to host anything you do not want. A surprise shower was thrown out of love for you. I am sure those who hosted it would never want you to feel that you were required to do anything in return for it. They did it because they love you and wanted to do something special for you. Consider it a gift - and gifts do not have strings attached.

    While all grief is different, I feel you are in what I call "the lonelies". I found this happened about three months after I lost my dad as well. When a loss is new, everyone stops the world to comfort you, but now that has dropped off (no more phone calls to ask how you're doing, no more casseroles at the door) and ironically it's when you need it the most, because this is the time when reality of your loss has set in. For me, this time period was the most pronounced and painful, because the distractions were all gone, no one else really understood how I was feeling, and all that was left was sadness.

    Know this: you don't have to make any decisions right now. There is no emergency. Allow yourself time. You may feel differently later. You may even find that this fall, you would like to celebrate on your one-year anniversary. But you may find that you truly don't want to do anything else - and that is also absolutely okay.

    Everyone who loves you knows you have experienced something that has changed everything for you. If you have sent STDs or anything, you can simply let everyone know that things are on hold - you don't need to send anything formal. If you haven't sent anything out, just answering as people ask - "we aren't sure if we will be celebrating or not" - is sufficient.

    For now, give yourself the space to grieve. There will always be time for celebration, when and if you feel up to it. And if you don't, that is 100% okay, too.

    My sincerest condolences.

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