Father of the Bride Drama

That is really tough. It's so heartbreaking when a parent is emotionally absent and/or abusive.

Your wedding is over a year away. I would put this issue on the shelf for now. Your feelings on the matter will probably fluctuate quite a bit between now and then, so don't make any rash decisions. Just enjoy being engaged and planning your wedding, and see how you feel about this a year from now.

ETA: I think you should invite him to the wedding because it will likely cause more drama if you don't. But the other decisions (walking down the aisle, the dance) don't have to be made just yet.

I'm sorry to here what you're going through, I definitely understand the wedding drama and it sucks. I say do what makes you happy! It's one of the biggest days of your life, so make the best of it. If you really feel you don't want him there then don't invite him and tell him how you feel, and if you do want him there don't worry about everyone else. It's your day and everyone should understand.

I'm very sorry you are going through this, but given your fathers behavior, I'm not sure I'm even understanding why you are involving him at all.

Do you have someone else who could give you away that is kinder to you and actually gives you the respect you deserve as a couple?

I am not a fan of tradition for the sake of tradition, and I see too many people battling with parents, siblings etc for their wedding day. To me, this makes little sense. Would you allow a friend to stand with you who hated your FH and said "just tell me what I have to do and get it over with"? No? Then I wouldn't involve your father. If so, then I don't know. If you choose to put yourself through the drama, you'll have drama.

Elect to not have drama and eliminate dad from the ceremony. Invite him as a guest, if you really must.

I'm sorry, some of us don't have parents or only have one good one. I hope the family you are marrying into can give you something better than what your father has given you. I'm being totally serious here. I don't have a "mom" but I do have a mother. She was invited to my wedding, but any drama she raised was completely ignored. Thankfully, DH has a wonderful and loving mother. I look forward to her being a stable figure for when we have a baby, so she can at least enjoy that grandparent!

I don't get what you mean by "be the bigger person". This is not about being bigger or more right and I hate that phrase. This is about being reasonable. Your father is disrespecting your future husband and you are still thinking of having him in the wedding. If DH's father or mother disliked me, I wouldn't want them walking down the aisle with us. No way.

It's "hard" because this is hard emotionally, but to me the choice is clear as day. Don't let people walk on you, even your own family.

Maybe your dad will reevaluate his crappy ways when he misses out on walking his daughter down the aisle. If so, cool. If not, you eliminated a toxic person from your life and it will be better for you in the long run. I promise. You cannot change dad's mind either on your husband, so I wouldn't try.

I rarely say this, but cut him from the day. He has over a year to re-evaluate his shitty behaviour.

At almost every wedding I do, I use the phrase, "the family you have inherited and the family you have chosen" in the welcome. It IS heartbreaking, but if his end of this deal doesn't change, he doesn't deserve the honor of walking you down the aisle. That isn't automatic.

I would go with your gut. The person who gives you away and dances with you should be someone who supports the choices your making to marry the man of your dreams, not because it's their "duty".... I personally would go with someone else

This is a terrible spot to be in no matter how far away your wedding is. My wedding is 5 months away and I can say without a doubt my father is not invited. He threw me out when I was 15, so I have been on my own since then. My sister thinks I should invite him since he is sick, he brings that on himself since

He won't quit smoking. I refuse to let in bring me down or ruin my day in any way shape or form...it's a tough choice but do what is going to make you happy...I know I wouldn't want to be upset about anything on my day!

I would not keep fighting to cinlude someone who clearly doesn't want to be there and considered it some sort of civic duty like jury duty to give you away.

Include the people who WANT to be there.

My father was physically and emotionally abusive for 21 years of my life. I've struggled with these decisions so often and understand how draining they can be. Since moving out of the house, our relationship has gotten better (he's less critical and negative.) He was always going to be invited to the wedding but he wasn't going to "give me away" because he doesn't have that right. I changed my mind and both my mom and father are going to "give me away", no father daughter dance though. The way I've come to terms with this involves forgiveness, mainly so I can not harvest the anger anymore. Consider this, you wouldn't have been born if it hadn't been for his part of the pregnancy/birthing process. You wouldn't have existed to meet your best friend and future husband.

I just want to say that I'm really sorry you are in that situation. It can be really hard to decide between including family and ensuring that your wedding is a celebration of love and happiness.

I had to have it out with my dad over his carry on about my mam (they are divorce). I told him out straight he was being selfish and planning my weeding should be enjoyable but he was making it a nightmare on me. He has been on his best behaviour since. Not sure it will work to talk to him if has been abusive but worth a shot if he's important to you

Thank you, everyone, for your responses! I think I have a plan. I intend to wait a week to let this drama cool down, and then I will try and meet up with him. If he claims he's "too busy" like always, I will drive to his house (since he's 5 minutes away) and tell him that he needs to give me some time because this is important. I will then ask him flat out if he wants to be there or if he's just going through the motions. I'll put the ball in his court and see what comes of it. That way if he is negative and decides not to come to the wedding, it's his call. If he just wants to be there and not do anything, I'll tell him that he can come as a guest and will have no responsibilities. I'm dancing with my mom at the wedding anyway, so it's not like I won't have a dance. Maybe I'll ask my godfather or my uncle to give me away. Either one of them deserves it far more than my father.

The good thing is you have plenty of time. He certainly hasn't acted like a loving, involved father from what you have said.

Can I ask why he dislikes your FI so much?

Is it important to you that tou follow these traditions (father daughter dance and him "giving you away")? If you really want him there, you could invite him as a guest and not do those other things. Have someone else walk you down the aisle, ot llr walk by yourself. Dance with your mom or stepdad (if you have one) if you want to dance with a parent, or skip that too. You shouldn't do these things with a man who was abusive if it's just because of tradition. This is your day, and you need to do what makes you happy.

Honestly, that's such a hard situation to be in. Your wedding should be a happy day. If your dad is so adamant about you not marrying your fiancé, he shouldn't be giving you away. That is an honor, not a right. And you don't necessarily have to have a father/daughter dance either.

You have to do what makes you happy. In this scenario, your dad has done just enough to get a seat at the back of the ceremony. Focus on the good, and for now, just forget about leave behind. If he hasn't earned the honor, don't give it to him.

Jeleebeenz - He dislikes my fiancé, Mike, over a minor disagreement (it's personal) and I think that we're of different faiths isn't helping. I'm Catholic and Mike is Jewish. When he found that out at the beginning of our relationship, his words to me were "You better not convert or your grandmother will roll over in her grave!" Mike and I are perfectly fine having two faiths in our household and raising our future children with both. I don't think my father is too keen on it. Funny thing is, my uncle (on my mom's side) is a priest and he's totally cool with it! He's even the one performing the ceremony.

I am dealing with this same issue, and I am sorry you have to deal with it, cause I know it sucks. I completely cut my father out of my wedding. It bothers me to do it but if he is going to treat you like that it is not worth the added stress.

Elphaba - I would put the ball in his court because if he says he wants out, then it's his call and he looks like an asshat, as does his sister. I honestly don't know how I feel because he is still my father, and a part of me still loves him (despite all the damage). We had some good times, I can't deny that...but they were few and far between. I'm going to try and talk to him and see what comes of it. He emailed me again today and said he is looking for songs now. So weird, considering he said he didn't care before. I don't know what's going on with him, but I will find out before I cut him out completely. It's only fair. He may not always be fair to me...so I will be careful.

Walking you down the aisle and dancing with you is not a 'duty' -- it is an honor.

Don't discuss it with him. When the time comes to mail invitations, send one to him. Then it's up to him whether or not he attends.

Walking you down the aisle and dancing with you is not a 'duty' -- it is an honor.

Don't discuss it with him. When the time comes to mail invitations, send one to him. Then it's up to him whether or not he attends.

Cut him from the wedding. This should be a happy time for you and you should surround yourself with people who are happy for you!