"Father Instigator"- Anyone experience this at their Catholic Church?

I had an unfortunate experience with my pastor as well. He made it seem like we were totally incompatible. in reality, when we actually talked about all of the FOCCUS questions in private, there was nothing we really disagreed on (just interpreted questions differently, or the answer was different for me and him in the questions like "my future spouse..."). if that makes sense. anyway, you cannot FAIL a foccus test. it is really supposed to make sure you have discussed all of those things.

you could be right that the priest is trying to "weed out" couples who aren't really ready to get married. he is probably also trying to make sure you aren't just getting married because you are pregnant. the catholic church is BIG on the "free will" thing. They don't want to see an annulment later. I don't think your experience is unusual.

That's crazy! He's nuts. Everyone has to take the FOCCUS survey for pre cana, so don't think he's only making you guys do that. As far as talking to a counselor, he's supposed to do that job. I'm sure he'll marry you, especially after the FOCCUS. If you're concerned, cheat on that sucker. I looked at my DH's answers while taking it. Just make sure you both answer the raising your kids catholic questions appropriately. When I did my pre cana, we had one day of group sessions, and a 8mo pregnant couple came and had no problems.

I don't know what was going through his mind. We even told him our son was baptized at the same church and is attending Catholic school.

And we've been together for 10 1/2 years! He must have asked us 3 times if we've ever broken up during that time. uh, NO! You'd think he would be more encouraging about a couple who waited to be sure before they got married.

Ehhh, sorry to be the bearer of bad news Katrina, but he is a Catholic priest. They aren't big on the couple waiting to get married to be sure...unless that also means you are waiting to have sex too. Priests are obviously big on the church's teachings, which are abstinence and sacramental commitment. Coming into the marriage with children already and/or living with FH are negatives in the church's eyes (...remember that extra section of the foccus you had to take for having a kid already). I'm not saying that he was trying to convince you not to get married, (in fact i'm sure he WANTS you to get married), just saying he's not thinking the same way you are thinking.

You're upset because you have someone with authority weighing in on the potential success of your marriage. If you want to have a wedding under the auspices of this particular organization, you have to acquiesce to their terms and conditions. It's really that simple.

If you just want to get married without the input of third parties, cut the ties and do exactly what you want to do: become a legally joined couple.

Very good point, Shannon. It's really important to us to be married in the church. We haven't even exchanged wedding rings yet!

I guess I'll have to tone down some of my more "modern" opinions on relationships and things in general when talking to the priest. Hubby thinks that idea is hilarious and can't wait to see me attempt to hold my tongue.

Yea, if I were you, just hold yourself in check if you want to get married in the church. Jump through the hoops and do what you have to do. That's pretty much what we did because we already lived together, but father didn't ask, so we didn't tell. It'll work out!

I'm sorry, I'm confused: you're already legally married, but you want to do another ceremony in the church? Is your priest aware of this? Are you looking for a convalidation or a full ceremony? Some of his concern might be because the Church doesn't look too fondly on non-Catholic marriages, and I've heard it's incredibly difficult to get a convalidation, but I don't know that for certain.

FWIW, my uncle is a Catholic priest and I don't think he would ever treat a couple like this, regardless of their status. I know he's married couples who already had children (he did once turn down my cousin who was pregnant and wanted him to marry them, because they wanted to do it right away without time for the pre-cana and everything) and definitely couples who have been living together already.

FH and I don't live together and don't have any kids, so I'm not much help there. But I do know of a couple who had both, and one of the priests didn't like it at all. At their next meeting, a different priest stepped in to continue their sessions.

I just to say that I'm Catholic and my FH is Baptist we have a 7yr old together (baptized catholic) and we live together. This will be our 1st marriage and not once did my priest makes us feel like weren't compatible nor did he turn us down. We did the Pre-Cana without having the FOCCUS test and everything worked out fine. If I were you I would have a private conversation with the priest to express my discomfort just to ease any worries. Your going to have several meetings with the priest so it's best to discuss it now rather than wait till the end. Good luck!

ETA: also if you feel uncomfortable with the priest who will officiate your wedding don't be afraid to try another parish.

We already told the priest that we want a convalidation and we were honest in all our responses to his questions. He knows that we are completely willing to complete the pre-cana and don't plan to have the church wedding until the baby is about 6 months old. Both hubby and I were raised in the church and it's important to us to have our marriage blessed. I just don't understand why the attitude and discouragement was necessary, especially after only the first meeting. It also seems kind of shady that he wouldn't do the FOCCUS himself (especially now we have to pay $150 to see the psychologist).

I think that I'll see how it goes with the psychologist and the FOCCUS results and talk to the priest. If there are any hiccups, hubby and I will consider requesting a different priest or going to a different parish.

Thanks for all the input, everyone!

I am having a full catholic mass. my fh is not catholic he is baptized presyb. also we live together and have for the last three years. we had to do pre cana before we even met with the church and never have done foccus. just part of the meeting to make sure if either one of us lied about questions we can get our annulnment.

I think its because you were married outside the church... the church likes members to be married at the church and church only its important in our faith to contine our faith maybe he wants to make sure you will raise your family catholic and wants to know where you lie within your faith.

They are making you pay to see a psychologist? that doesn't seem right to me at all

This was the same thing we went through- the FOCCUS stuff that is. Our priest wouldn't go over the results with us and made us sit for an hour with a psychologist. I hear this depends on the parish but our priest was adamant that every couple must go through with it. I believe your experience regarding that is normal. However, he should not make you feel belittled in any way. You have a beautiful family and you will raise your children in the church. Is this your home parish? I would highly suggest shopping around for a different priest and/or parish. You can take your "church donation" elsewhere

Mm hmm. Don't worry about it though. My FH and I have a great relationship and talk about everything and I mean everything and our priest said that the focuss results pointed to some communication problems. With 190 question, who knows how we were answering. I do feel like they try to spike some conversations. We usually leave their exhausted but luckily haven't let him get under our skin.

Thank you all! I feel much more reassured. I'll try not to let him bother me too much and remember there ARE options if things continue in this fashion. I appreciate all the help.

So you're already legally married, but this priest isnt sure of your compatibility & he's having take all these tests? More power to you for following thru. But if anyone tried to tell me I may not be compatible w FH, I woulda got to steppin right out the door. I know nothing about catholics, how the church works or why you have to specifically have this priest. But it's very presumptuous of him to tell an already married couple they might not be good together.

My aunt was married in a different religion, however my cousin was baptized catholic. At her baptism they did some blessing that acknowledged the marriage. Wow the churvh must have grown even more conservative over the past 20 yeara

Thanks for pointing that out Rev. Ann. I think I may be focusing too much on the way he made me feel and not enough on the purpose of it. I think I may have been too quick to judge because I have had negative experiences with other priests in the past.

DH just wants both of us to be happy on our wedding day with no underlying conflicts. We had a long conversation about it last night and we decided to continue with this particular priest and meet with him at least one more time. I'll remember that he just wants to make sure our marriage is successful and this is his approach/process of doing that.