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Beginner December 2020

Family that assumes they are invited...

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Cassandra, on May 1, 2020 at 12:45 PM

Hey everyone, hope you all are staying safe! It almost seems small and silly to be worrying about this right now, however it was recently brought to my attention so I am almost thankful to focus on something else these days. I am a front line nurse so I welcome the distraction.

We are a December wedding. And here is my dilemma. We sent out save the dates before everything went crazy, back in February. My dad has 2 brothers and a sister in law that I have no relationship with whatsoever. I came to know my dad and his family when I was 18 (currently 29). So I formed relationships with some of his family and didn’t with most. They weren’t put on the guest list, despite being told they should be invited out of respect for my dad. Now when I say no relationship I mean I haven’t seen them in years and we don’t speak AT ALL. I don’t even have their phone numbers.
So my cousin who I am close with recently asked me if they were invited because the wife of the brother kept worrying about her not getting a save the date. I replied no they weren’t and she then told me the sister in law said it will be weird if they aren’t invited.. I try to be pleasant and fair but to me it makes no sense. We are paying for every penny of this wedding. Keeping it under 100 and wanting only close people at the wedding. The only reason the number has gone close to 100 is because almost everyone has a significant other.
I don’t feel anyone should get an invite “just because...” for whatever reason. Am I being unreasonable? I would like honest opinions. Also I should note when I initially brought this to my dad he said he was perfectly okay with my decision, then just the other day he now said I should invite them. I’m leaning towards not inviting but would like brides opinions!!!
Thanks in advance! Sorry it’s long, stay safe everyone!

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38 Comments

Just Said Yes November 2020
Charlotte · on May 1, 2020 at 10:16 PM
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Personally, you are the bride and if it is someone you have no relationship with nor talk to in years, you don’t have to invite them out of kindness.
Someone posted a chart to go off of on who to invite and not, use it! 😊

My FH and I are not inviting friends or family that we no longer have a relationship with nor talk to in years. It’s our big day to celebrate with close family and friends. I have an aunt I haven’t talked to in 15 some years, no invite. A few nephews out of state, haven’t talked to them in 8 years, no invite.
Good luck!
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VIP October 2020
Anna · on May 1, 2020 at 10:47 PM
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Thanks for sharing that. Super helpful!!
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VIP October 2020
Anna · on May 1, 2020 at 10:52 PM
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I think you’re fine with where you stand on not wanting to invite them. I will speak a bit for dad’s seeming wishy-washiness. He’s probably just trying to smooth over this bump and not ruffle feathers. Some people have conflict and will seem to flip flop their personal choice just to avoid conflict/drama. But it’s your wedding, your day. No one should be there unless you really want them. I have my Granny right now trying to talk me into inviting a distant cousin. She and my Granny are close, but I can really just hear her nasally voice complaining now about this and that.
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Savvy October 2020
Maritza · on May 1, 2020 at 11:28 PM
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If you want them there, invite them. And if you don’t, then don’t. Remember it is YOUR wedding. Period!
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Expert November 2020
Danielle · on May 2, 2020 at 12:09 AM
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Explain you having small wedding and only close family it is your wedding and you should be happy about it. anyone who doesn't understand that...
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Master October 2021
Mrs.a · on May 2, 2020 at 1:36 AM
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Nope, nope, nope...once you start extending invitations to a few, it will quadruple easily. Don't do it.
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Just Said Yes August 2020
Amy · on May 2, 2020 at 2:03 AM
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You should not feel guilty or unreasonable. When I sent out save the dates, my step-mother’s sister, asked my step mother, to ask my dad, where her grown daughters and sons invitations were. I laughed when he asked me other the phone because I thought he was joking. I don’t talk to them, so they’re not invited. End of story. It wasn’t until this week that I got a Facebook message from another person asking if they were invited. I felt the same way you do, but the reality of the situation is, I don’t talk to them. I found myself feeling guilty too, but we can’t do that. We have too many happy things going on in our lives right now to feel guilty for someone who wants a free meal and open bar for a night lol
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Beginner December 2020
Cassandra · on May 2, 2020 at 8:27 AM
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That’s how we are doing our plus ones too! He suggested a couple people get a plus one, I said nope! And even some people assumed their kids were invited and we are doing only the invited and kids free. It’s so tough to not feel like an a-hole!
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Beginner December 2020
Cassandra · on May 2, 2020 at 8:28 AM
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This made me laugh!! But you’re right!
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Beginner December 2020
Cassandra · on May 2, 2020 at 8:29 AM
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I guess the biggest part that baffles me is... you know we don’t speak and don’t have any kind of relationship? Wouldn’t it be weird if I DID invite you? And majority of our guests are scattered and out of town. So really I’m saving you travel money lol 🙃
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Dedicated April 2021
Erin · on May 2, 2020 at 9:35 AM
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I think you should just stick to what you want for your wedding! We had a similar situation with some of my cousins not being invited. We sent out our save the dates just before this past Christmas so it made it a little awkward to see people we aren’t inviting; however, we didn’t think it was a hard and fast rule that we needed to invite all of my 38 first cousins. In fact, we chose to only invite 1 cousin in a family of 5 cousins. My brothers were kind enough to invite them all to their weddings, and they were not even given so much as a card or rsvp! I also made the decision based on the fact that we don’t have a relationship with them and typically see each other once a year at most. I did get a snarky fb message from one of the cousins and another cousin has asked me for our date multiple time. He even asked, in front of several family members, and sarcastically responded “so I’ll save the date?!” knowing full well he was not invited. I have brought to think about, as do you, so don’t worry about it!
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Dedicated October 2020
Jennifer · on May 3, 2020 at 5:10 PM
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I understand completely. My father has 13 siblings. Only 2 of them keep in regular contact with me, and I only hear from the rest (if I hear from the rest) occasionally on Facebook. My mom only has one brother. He has 2 children, but I only actually have a true relationship with one of them. We are also paying for 100% of the wedding on our own (my parents have both passed), and we are on a tight budget, and have to keep the guest list at 80. Therefore some of those we aren't close to won't get invites. One of my cousins, who has only spoken to me once since my father died almost 9 years ago, has invited me to her wedding/shower/etc..and it just feels odd. We don't have a relationship. I on a rare occasion speak to her mom on Facebook (maybe once a year). I do think it is odd, and that I shouldn't be invited "just because I'm family."
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Expert October 2021
Megan · on May 3, 2020 at 11:12 PM
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I'm in the wedding planning business and I've seen this a few times--I'm just simply advising against this, because it can (and often does) come across pretty rudely to your nearest and dearest family and friends.
That was a pretty juvenile response to a pretty logical point.
OP, I see the general consensus is to not invite; I hope you're feeling validated in your initial feelings!
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Beginner December 2020
Cassandra · on May 3, 2020 at 11:15 PM
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Hi, is your advice to invite or to not invite?

I was a little confused by your response?
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Expert October 2021
Megan · on May 3, 2020 at 11:28 PM
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Most of my comment was directed at another poster. Everything after "OP" was for you--I'm also team do-not-invite! I hope the consensus of everyone's responses have given you the validation you need to not invite them.
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Beginner December 2020
Cassandra · on May 3, 2020 at 11:33 PM
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Ah okay! That totally makes more sense! But yes I was leaning towards no invite and after seeing that I won’t be making a mistake if I don’t invite.. makes me feel more calm about The situation. It’s definitely not easy!
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Savvy October 2021
Brenda · on May 4, 2020 at 1:36 AM
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I think everyone planning a wedding goes thru this dilema of “should I invite this person”...and honestly for me it felt like a domino effect. You invite one person and that triggers inviting at least a couple more. If YOU are paying for the entire wedding and your dad hasn’t expressed to you his desire of having these people invited I would not include them. This day should be to cherish a memorable occasion with people that are important to you guys and have been there all along.
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Expert December 2020
Kayse · on May 6, 2020 at 2:56 PM
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I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You are having a pretty small wedding. Why would you want people there you have no relationship with?
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