Family Issues

We have been having this discussion as well. My advice is to be pretty blunt. I've kind of used words to show I'm not accepting any kind of emotional drama with it. (Such as: This is an extremely important day in my life, and while I'd enjoy you to be present, if you don't value me enough to understand this is what I want, I ask you not attend.) I'm a VERY blunt person in all reality and it's not unusual for me to be a little snippy about things. Reminding yourself that your day, your emotions and wants come FIRST. Good luck!

I might put it to them like this "We have invited the people we wish to include and will present our final numbers to the vendors. If very young nephew and overly dramatic cousin show up without being invited there will not be a seat or food for them. I appreciate that you want to include people, but this is the wedding we envisioned and are paying for."

And in the case of your nephew I might reach out to your sister directly. This is her child we're talking about. Does she feel comfortable with said babysitting arrangements?

Thanks Evey. I am pretty blunt too. I've said "I really need you to respect my wishes for my wedding. There will be no exceptions." My mom is less likely to over-step and go against my wishes, but my Grandmother is very much manipulative and never takes no for an answer. This is my worry.

The worst is that the cousin she wants to bring is going to upset my aunt (and me, frankly). She's gotten others on board saying to me "50, 52, 54, what's the difference." Then, after having that communicated to me by someone else, she gets on the phone and says "your day is going to be great, because you're not going to worry about that stuff." It literally has me FUMING pissed.

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I'm not that close to my sister, but I know that she has never allowed any stranger to watch her child. My mom plans to leave my nephew with her best friend and she's practically family. I find it hard to believe this friend agreed to watch him from 9am to 11pm....That's my skepticism. My mom will be there to help me the morning before the ceremony and such, so it's literally all day and night.

My grandmother is very much like I do what I want and that's that. I love her, but she's the WORST with accepting no as an answer to anything she wants to do. I truly think she has never cared about anyone else's needs. The cousin she wants to invite, for example, is an outside of marriage child that my uncle has always taken responsibility for. However, he does not force his wife and other kids to accept the cousin as part of their life, and they never have. I know my aunt will be very upset. I have known this cousin all my life, but we're not close at all. I really do not like her, to be quite frank. So, the fact that this is the cousin my grandma wants to bring is extremely painful to fathom.

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I honestly don't know what "outside of marriage accident" has to do with who this person is or why you aren't close to her. The fact that her father has allowed his wife and other children to treat her as an other might explain some why your grandmother wouldn't want her to feel excluded and discarded again. I'm not saying she should be invited if you aren't close, but the way you put that felt nasty and disrespectful.

If it were me, I would make it clear to grandma that anyone who shows up that is not on the guest list, will be asked to leave, and escorted out of the venue by security, if necessary. The threat of that may be enough to have her rethink her decision to bring this cousin.

If it isn't, and you can't find a way out of it, just ignore them both. You'll have enough invited guests there that you can spend your day with them.

View Quoted Comment But, Grandma is NOT:
1. Getting Married
2. Providing any funds towards this event.
3. You canNOT just invite people to someone else’s event, no matter who you or they are.

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Ah, not meant that way. It's meant to explain WHY my aunt would be upset. But, in addition to that, I've not ever been close with this cousin, ever. I grew up with her, we all did, very close. But, as an adult, we have zero relationship.

My Grandma does believe my aunt should accept her, made plans for her to move in with my aunt, caused a HUGE fight between the family.

Outside of my aunt and her own kids, this cousin IS accepted into the family and ALWAYS has been.

But, to use this as a moment to make a point is very upsetting to me, and would be to my aunt too. For example, my aunt and Grandma has not spoken/seen each other in over three years because she continues to try and force my uncle to have that cousin move in with his wife, even though her own mother has always done a good job raising her.

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As stated, I do not believe she should be inviting people. I also believe how someone came into this world is no reason to exclude them and doesn't need to be used to describe them either.

Here’s my situation:

My older and younger sisters and myself are all accidents by 3 different Women.

My Dad Married my Mom (they should NEVER have done that) and proceeded to still sleep around and made the younger sister.

I did invite them last minute (last Friday) and my Wedding is this Saturday. I still haven’t received a response. I did say that I understand if they can’t make it, but they could at least let me know that they can’t attend.

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It clearly sounds like grandma has boundary issues. I agree that no one should be inviting people to your wedding, only you and your future spouse should be inviting of course. I might disagree with your aunts treatment of your cousin, but I do agree that grandma is overstepping. Are you close enough to your cousin to ask her how she even feels about all that?

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Yes, poor choice in words on my part. I've corrected the language. It's not the reason she's not invited. But, it's the reason my grandmother wants her to be invited, if that makes any sense. It never even crossed my mind to invite her because we are not close at all. She knows nothing about my adult life, and vice-versa. This is not because we've disagreed. We're not close because we are different and do not make time to connect, both ways. So, for an intimate event, yes, I don't want her there.

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No, not close at all. I don't even have her number. I stop by and see her when I am in the same country. But, we're not close enough to have a heart-to-heart about anything, really.

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That certainly does make sense. I would never tell another bride who they should or should not invite and I'm glad that text didn't convey the intent properly. I wish I had advice about grandma but it doesn't sound like she can be reasoned with so I revert back to my initial suggestion of letting her know there may not be a seat or plate for the cousin. However, you might need to plan for her anyway.

I would be blunt and say that it is what you want and what you're paying for, no buts. Let them know the venue only holds a certain amount of people, and the venue will ask anyone not invited to leave, child or adult, so please do not bother trying to slip in. If it's someone that's just a little dramatic, have your wedding planner keep an eye out and worry about asking them to leave. If they're an actual issue, consider hiring security, but it doesn't sound like that at all.

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Hi Christy, I've said they would be turned away, which will be embarrassing for the whole family.

Just ignore them would not work because my grandmother is a matriarch of the family. And, my aunt WILL be upset. Very upset. In fact, she may choose to leave the event if my cousin attends. This would upset me for sure.

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My cousin isn't dramatic, just the situation itself. Because my Aunt has strong feelings about it and would be upset. Me seeing my cousin is not upsetting. She's not invited, so an uninvited guest is upsetting to me in general. The drama it may cause would likely be my Aunt's reaction to seeing her there, as she knows I did not invite any cousins to the wedding, including her children. 50 person limit and big family meant no cousins could be invited. I did end up inviting 2 cousins way after the fact as the RSVPs came in and we had two extra spots. The venue has a strict capacity limit, so I am also worried that the property manager will say something about exceeding capacity.

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Thank you! We purposely said no to any parent helping us for our wedding. We said to them that they may gift us funds at/after the wedding. The tricky thing is that I did let my grandma buy the dress. She offered to and I said yes she can. It's not an expensive dress, but maybe that muddied the waters a bit.

My grandmother has never accepted a no from anyone in the family, ever. She's caused lots of harm by doing whatever she feels like, and as the matriarch, thinks it's all alright. It has been the main reason I keep a distance from her when it comes to my personal choices in life.

But, this is the one time I really want her to respect my wishes. But, I don't think she will.

It looks like/sounds like you really can't do anything.. Every time someone gives advice/something to do you say how it won't work so I guess either un-invite your grandmother, or deal with her bringing your cousin.

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Hi Sara, as I just took a "cool-off" shower, I ended up with that same conclusion.

Just because she means so much to me (she raised me), I can't un-invite her, that would hurt me too much.

But, you're right. And that's because I've already tried all of those things and have been stuck with the same thing in return - being told someone else is coming to my wedding.

So, I am going to try to say "security" versus "property manager" and see if that works.

Let's put it this way. My grandma has the power to convince all my uncles and mom to boycott my wedding if she wanted to. I know this because she did it to my mom. So, i'm also trying to avoid a sad time like that. Just typing this brings me to tears. My grandma will do whatever it takes to get her way. But I still love her. And I'm still hurt by it all. No win for me.