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Brooke
Savvy August 2019

Family Drama

Brooke, on June 3, 2018 at 11:10 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21
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I’m sorry in advance. This is mostly a rant post just to get it off my chest.

My family doesn’t like me. I’m sure they “love” me like a family is supposed to, but they don’t like me as a person. I’m in no way perfect, but I don’t do anything that would cause them to dislike me (I don’t think!). I am very independent, hard working, and for the most part keep to myself.

I’m having a hard time.

1. My sister: we are only 2 years apart age wise, and we got along well for the most part. She has always been very dramatic and intense. She bullied my brothers and when we would fight she would bully me, but I’m older so I didn’t care as much. Now as an adult, I feel like we do not get along at all. Every time I see her she is throwing shade and just being rude to me. I then made a twitter account to see what the hype was about, followed her, and realized her entire feed was talking crap about me (& getting drunk - but that is besides the point). I’m obviously hurt that she has to tweet about how much she hates me and everything I do. I was going to let her be one of my bridesmaids, to not cause drama, but she doesn’t deserve that title. She just bullies everyone including my mom so she gets whatever she wants. Well I might be vindictive, because I am not inviting he to be in my wedding party anymore.

2. My brother: I have three brothers but this is about the oldest out of them who is going to be 18 in October. We were the best of pals for his entire life until I moved out 5 years ago. We pretend we are still finds but honestly he is too cool for me. I know, he’s a teenager, it’s a phase. But we just don’t click anymore. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle, but I don’t think that’s a good plan anymore since he has been “ghosting” me for about 2 months, while I attempt to hang out with him.

3. My mom: she had me when she was 17 years old. I’m her oldest child, and it’s a well known fact I ruined her life. To counter this I’ve always tried really hard to show that I’m not a burden even though I was a mistake. I haven’t asked her for anything since I was 16 years old, I don’t drink or do drugs (not judging, just not my personality), and made sure I was a successful, well adjusted adult by 18 years old. She was always really hard on me, super strict and judgemental about everything I did, and now my siblings are living easy getting new cars at 16 years old and overall doing whatever they want (like getting drunk every night, even though they are underage). She’s called me stupid when I did live at home, and was never happy with anything. I’m now marrying my boyfriend of 5 years and she is so rude about everything. Rolling her eyes and changing the subject anytime I bring something up about the wedding. It’s really discouraging. So she is not involved with any wedding planning.

I know I probably sound childish and selfish, but I’m so frustrated and upset that no one can support me. No one will even talk to me. Luckily my FH’s family loves me and very helpful, but it’s not the same.. I love my family and I wish they could just pretend for a minute that they acknowledge me and my feelings.

gain sorry for the rant. Just tired of crying about it and wanted to let it out.

21 Comments

Latest activity by Rachel, on June 5, 2018 at 9:18 AM
  • N
    Dedicated August 2018
    Nicole ·
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    Oh my gosh this is terrible! I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time. I also have a crappy family, and it took me until I got together with FH to realize that it is my family who is crappy, not me. I know nothing can make up for the fact that your own family is not there for you, but you are being embraced by another family; so enjoy that. Start your own family. Sometimes it’s better to leave people alone, even if you do share blood.
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  • C
    Expert September 2018
    catobx ·
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    Aw hun I am so sorry to read this. It sounds like you've not done anything to warrant this treatment, and even if you did you're still family and it's not right the way they are treating you (your mother in particular). As for the siblings there is some level of jealousy on their part, a lot of times this kind of behavior even from family means they are deflecting on something THEY are missing in their lives. Your mom, she is resentful. And it's wrong and immature. I have dealt with this type of situation but with my half sister. I was born and she hated me. Things have eventually evened out some, but all my life I felt like I needed to prove myself to her just because I was the kid her dad had with another woman other than HER mom. It sucks. But theres not a whole lot you can do. My best advice would be to just revel in your future in laws and their support and the love from your FI. And friends. You can't obsess over your own family's faults, you can't change them, they have to wake up on their own. If you have to distance from them then, so be it, if it means you are happy and fulfilled. You will soon have your own new little family with your FI and that's a beautiful thing.

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  • K
    Dedicated September 2018
    Katie ·
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    Honestly, it sounds like their loss. From what I can tell in your post, it seems like they all have been childish and you are being mature. Every family has problems. And no one says you have to like your family. But it is nice to have that, or at least be respectful of each other. The ones who are really there for you and WANT to be there for you, will be. It took me a long time to realize the ones I thought had my back, did not. And we're only close to me to hurt other people. (Family drama!) With this being a wedding site, I have to say don't let any of this affect your day or get in the way of your planning process. Like I said, ones who want to be there for you will be. They'll make that effort. Keep your head up, girl. 😊
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  • ISaidHallYes
    VIP November 2018
    ISaidHallYes ·
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    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can’t truky relate but if I were you I’d remember the fact you have a future spouse who loves you. Try to build you life off of the positive good things you have going. As hard as it is don’t talk wedding to them at all. Build your life with this wonderful person and create the life you want to have. Sending you love and support!
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  • Eamsee
    Super June 2019
    Eamsee ·
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    When it comes down to it, the fact of the matter is that each individual is their own self. With their own insecurities, flaws, vices, etc. We tend to hold family, especially our parents, to a higher standard, sometimes forgetting that they are the way they are and act the way they do from their own personal experiences. Also keep in mind that maturity has nothing to do with how old one is. My best advice to you is to speak with them individually, vocalize that you know that you haven't been as close as you once were, and that you would like to move forward building a relationship with them and change that. If nothing changes, then that's out of your control and unfortunately you have to accept that is the way they are. It sucks, but focus on yourself, your fiancé, and the life that the two of you are building together. You still have over a year until your wedding and hopefully things will change and then you can reevaluate having your siblings in the bridal party.

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  • A
    Beginner October 2018
    Ariell ·
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    I just want to send you some positive vibes if I can. I am sorry that this has been your experience as planning a wedding is stressful enough with the typical family support. I have a friend who has some similarities as yours and she and her husband just went to the justice of the peace with NO ONE else. (Not suggesting this, just saying) Mother didn’t support it but eventually got past that.

    I think it is good that you’ve put some boundaries up with them such as not including your mom in any planning and not having your sis as a BM. Just be ready if your sis questions you about that. As far as the younger brother, I think you should still find a way to ask him to walk you down the aisle, if you really would like that. Focus on the history of your relationship versus the recent behavior.

    Again sending positive vibes Smiley smile
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  • Amarriedmann
    Expert June 2019
    Amarriedmann ·
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    No need to apologize!! So sorry that family too often fall short of our ideals and expectations. It can be so hurtful to be disregarded by those who should have your back and support you. As PP said, it really is a reflection on them. Not you. Everyone has baggage. Some have heavier than others - much of which they’ve packed themselves! - and they want to unload it on anyone they see fit. Not acceptable.

    Hubby has nieces that are now showing signs of beginning a FOURTH generation of toxic mother/daughter relationships. So much of our familial interactions are learned and extremely difficult to UNlearn. It looks like you may have escaped this fate. Who knows, maybe you are the “black sheep”? That can be a GOOD thing in harmful family dynamics. You can still love your family but it may have to be from afar. I would take a step back from them, surround yourself by those who DO support you and understand you can’t control how they behave but you can control how you react to it.

    Keep your head up and focus on LOVE. I know you may not be able to see the forest for the trees right now. It’ll get better. 💗
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  • Mrs.Henderson2b
    Expert June 2018
    Mrs.Henderson2b ·
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    Aww Brooke.. luv I teared up reading this. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this! It has to be hard!! Just know you are NOT selfish or childish. And anything of Gods creation is NO MEANS a mistake! You were meant to be here and your life has purpose honey!! Sometimes the hardest thing to do is walk away from those that pretend to love you. It’s clear your family don’t love as hard as you do. And that’s okay. You now know how to deal with them-from a distance. Embrace your new family. They may not be blood but they can help fill the void of your own family. Thru this planning process I too had to sever ties with my sister because of her jealousy. Deep down I know she loves me but her dislike for me is way stronger. Letting go was hard but we only have one life to live. Never let anyone dim your light. Shine bright babygirl! Chin up and walk tall because you’ve done nothing wrong! Sending you hugs!! 🙂
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  • amandaaok
    VIP June 2018
    amandaaok ·
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    Girl I'm so sorry... I know how it feels to not feel *super close* to any of your family, much less immediate family...like you I am the oldest and first to leave the nest etc so I wonder if that has something to do with it...even so it isn't quite to the extreme that you are dealing with.

    Anyway, as hard as it is, remember that while it is nice for those with those relationships to exist, they aren't required for you to have an amazing wedding day. And if you feel lile they are or need to be mended, try talking to your bro about it.
    Your mom and even sister may be fighting feelings of jealousy/envy (whether fair or not) and they may not even realize thats what is causing it. Again, if you feel like you need to be closer then attempt to have a heart to heaet, if it works then great, if it doesn't then you tried and make your peace with it and use your energy to focus on the people who ARE excited of you guys and supportive of you and go from there Smiley smile
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  • M
    Super October 2018
    Michelle ·
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    *Hugs*

    I'm sorry. This is so sad. I understand what it's like dealing with a toxic family. It's painful and sadly there is no easy advice. I will say to keep trying with your brother. He could be going through some teenager stuff and just knowing you are there might be enough that he will reach out and accept your friendship at some point.
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  • Disneysue
    Devoted September 2018
    Disneysue ·
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    I am so very sorry you have to deal with this. I once heard someone say, "Friends are the family you get to choose". Please remember that just because you are genetically related, doesn't mean you have to do anything. A wedding should be a joyous time with you and FH surrounded by people who love you and are genuinely happy for you. It sucks, that is FOR SURE, but personally I would only be able to take getting shut down so many times before I stop trying. I'm sure it will be "all your fault" as well. You do not need those kind of toxic people in your life no matter who they are or how they are related to you. I am in agreement with Eamsee, maybe attempt to speak to each one individually & tell them how it's making you feel without being accusatory or placing blame, and see how it goes. If you're still met with eye rolls then leave them out and skip on. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have people around you who love you and want the best for you. You don't owe them anything. You are a beautiful person, go be happy.

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  • MrsPreach2018
    Master August 2018
    MrsPreach2018 ·
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    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this at all, but having to go through it during one of the happiest times for you. At, this point it's best for you to enjoy this time with those who love you, are happy and wish you the best. I know it's not the same, but find comfort in knowing your FH family is there for you. Don't continue to put energy into those that aren't reciprocating and don't deserve it.
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  • Michelle
    Devoted June 2018
    Michelle ·
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    Wow, I would just continue to plan my wedding with my fh side. This is your day don't stress out or give them that power over you. It's ok to invite them or not. Stop involving them in the planning process it's only stressing you out.
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  • The Nuptials
    VIP July 2018
    The Nuptials ·
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    Honestly I would elope. Because I think as you inch closer these folks will cause you a lot of hurt and will have a ton of demands regarding the wedding. Too bad they can’t see beyond themselves.
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  • Mhm
    Dedicated August 2019
    Mhm ·
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    I wish I could give you a hug in real life. I know you love your family and all but sometimes you have to remove yourself from a negative situation and just rethink about it all. Not saying don’t ever talk to your family but maybe refrain from talking or trying an contact with them for a short moment. I know about toxic relationships and they don’t just have to be with a man or a woman they can also be family, having to have dealt with toxic family members I just refrain contact from them and it makes me feel better. They will most of the time come crawling back to you, to talk to you and to know what you’re up to stuff like that. I wish your family would appreciate you and not treat you a certain way. And as for your mom, treating you like that when you were young is never okay, you had a child at 17 own up to it, it’s not the child’s fault she didn’t ask to be in this world, you brought her here and now it’s your responsibility to take care of her because she’s going to need you as a infant, child and adult. Everything gets better in time, I hope for the best for you💗
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  • R
    Dedicated August 2018
    Rachel ·
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    Im sorry you're going through this. 😕 I can really relate though. I was my mothers "mistake" I have 3 brothers and I'm the youngest. She never wanted a girl. She's never hidden the fact that she didn't want me. My brothers all used to joke about knowing i was a mistake because my parents moved to another state to have me then never told anyone about me until I was 2 and they divorced. She had to go back to my grandparents for help and surprise here's a 2 year old daughter. She was mean as hell to me as were my brothers. They had the good life and everything I did was wrong. So I decided I'm not inviting any of them. Heck i don't even know if they know I'm getting married....Weddings are meant to be shared with people that are happy for you. I'm sorry your family is treating you so badly try telling your mother if she's going to continue to be so negative she can stay home.
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  • Emilie
    Super April 2019
    Emilie ·
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    I'm not very close to anyone in my family either, other than my grandmother. My siblings (2 sisters, 1 brother) are very much in the drug/partying scene. My brother I haven't spoke to in almost 4 years because he tried steal some money from my child (she was 8 at the time) so he can go support his habit! And I get called names like "spoiled" "princess" etc because my life now is BLESSED! We are in no way 'rich' in monetary value, but we have our house, cars, we sit down for dinner, we have family night, and everyone always says how well mannered my kids are! (Basically everything siblings and I didnt have growing up) FH and I have been on our own since we were 18. It's just jealousy! And I have accepted that.. my FH's entire family (aunts, cousins, siblings) are amazing people. And my family makes comments all the time about how close I am with them and not my own family. I truly sympathize with you, since I can somewhat know what you are feeling!! Brush it off as best you can! Good luck OP!
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  • Daria
    VIP January 2019
    Daria ·
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    I'm sorry that your family treats you this way. Have you ever talked with a therapist or counselor about them? They might be able to help you find ways to build healthy relationships with them, if that is possible or even something that you want. If it's not something you want, they can help you with being OK with that, too.

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  • Amarriedmann
    Expert June 2019
    Amarriedmann ·
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    Rachel! Ohhhh my goodness. This made me think of the book A BoyCalled It. So glad you seem to have come out of that situation a strong, smart woman despite being subjected to a family of awful bullies. Love & hugs to you as well 💗
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  • PBiazinha
    VIP May 2018
    PBiazinha ·
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    You know... I walked about from my father and all his family - with that my closest cousin (my age, we grew up together, shared memories, toys, schools, first loves), my coolest aunts and uncles, my loving grandmother that taught me to much. I gave up all that because there was this point in my life where i had to show love to myself first. It hurts and some days are harder than others. Sounds like you've done that but because of the moment you are living, things are coming back and emotions are running wild. It is completely normal. I cried for about two months about my situation when I first started wedding planning, and then I realized it was just another stepping stone and I should not expect people to change because I was going through that. People are what they are, you need to accept it and be strong for yourself and your FH. You are starting a new journey and it should be beautiful and filled with good things. Don't let family, or anyone bring you down. Allow yourself to suffer if you have to, cry it out, get off your chest then dry your tears, chin up and move forward - I am sure this won't be the first time you do that, so you know you can do it and be successful at it.

    Don't feel sorry for yourself, be proud and true to who you became.

    Good luck!

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