Family drama for older couples

It is frustrating. For us it's my FH's daughter. She's an adult spoiled brat. He adopted her when he was still married to her mom. He stepped up, wanted to be her dad, and she insists on being called his "adopted" daughter. She's 32 and won't come to our wedding because she doesn't want to see him marry anyone but her mom. A mom she barely speaks to. The wedding is tomorrow and she won't come. I've bent over backwards to try and get along with her. I never badmouth her mother, though her mom says awful stuff about me. They've been divorced for over 10 years. Daughter rarely even talks to FH. He's heartbroken. I should also add she's 32 years old. I'm ok with her not coming and creating a scene but it hurts him. I'm 50 and he's 54, and we hoped this would be an easy process...HA I feel your pain sadly

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but if you’ve been together 3 years that’s not “moving quickly” so I’m not sure what your family’s problem is. At this point in your life I would say that you need to do what makes you happy and if they are not there to support you at least you now have your FH. They will eventually come around when they realize that you were not going to do what they want you to do. Stand up for yourself

View Quoted Comment Omg first let me say congrats on your wedding tomorrow. I’m sure it’ll be beautiful and memorable!! Funny thing, he has a daughter but she’s 18 and sometimes I get the same feeling. But in the end, for you- the good news is she isn’t living under your roof and won’t be sabotaging your lives together. She’ll either have to learn to live with it or be miserable and detached for the remainder of her life. Whatever happens, it’ll all work out in the end. I’ve also had to tell myself this. Things have been hectic but we can’t control what others say and do just how we respond. I feel for your FH but I’m sure everything will be alright. Just focus on the two of you and enjoy your special day. In time, she will either accept it or not but whatever she chooses it’s not your problem so don’t make it yours. hugs and congrats!!!!

I was also married before, although it was quite not as long as you I still noticed a variety of reactions from people throughout the divorce and my relationship with my now fiancé. It’s so easy for those who have never been in a failed marriage to judge on what you should or should not be doing, and what timeline you should be following afterwards. No one knows the emotions and emotional growth either unless they’ve been there. Fortunately one of the positives you get from such a negative event is to know your strength as an individual. You found a way to stand on your own after all those years standing next to someone else, and rose above all the obstacles to find happiness. It’s not up to anyone else to decide where your life takes you as you have already found your own path.

If your family chooses not to support you, that’s their problem, not yours. Three years is not a hasty, rebound relationship. If they can’t see that you are in a good place, there’s nothing you can (or should) do to prove it to them. I suggest you look towards friends or other family members who support your relationship, and make it clear that any negativity isn’t going to be welcome in your life.

I'm so sorry you're going through that. I have no idea why they think 3 years is moving too quickly. It sounds like they have it in their minds that you need to grieve the end of a loveless marriage for a certain amount of time, a timeframe which clearly doesn't fit into your actual life. And that is how I would put it to them. If it were me, I'd tell them to be supportive or miss a major moment in your life. Sometimes people don't realize their version of protecting is simply driving a wedge. I'm so lucky that our families rallied to support us despite their conservative values because in the end they just love us. I was called sister and Aunt all weekend by her family and mine was so happy to welcome her to ours. Remind them that they don't want to miss that.

Ladies thank you for the support. I’m already feeling better. I guess the hardest part is that my aunt has always been like a mother to me so for her to pretend as though she is happy for us but question every detail is beyond me. I keep trying to remember this is my life and I am happy. Not to mention, she has drama with my father and they haven’t spoken in nearly 10 years so she threw a temper tantrum when I told her she and my father were the only people giving me grief about getting remarried. I wish i could just say “f” you and whatever but sometimes it’s hard when you don’t feel supported by the people you love the most.

Okay, sometimes people are afraid to leave a bad/unhappy marriage. So, they can’t judge you for having the courage and strength to move on and start a new life with someone that appreciates and loves you.

I’ve seen that with 2 older ladies that have terrible marriages.

Continue to be blessed and happy while others wallow in their misery.

Yep. I was married 13 years in total the first time and DH was married 9. Ex and I broke up in 2016 (although we were on again/ off again since 2012) and DH had been separated from his ex for 3 years when I met him. And when I mean separated, I do mean completely separated. I told him I wouldn't even date him until he filed for divorce, which he did. My divorce was finalized August 2018. So when I met DH it didn't feel "too soon" for me and it didn't feel "too soon" for him either. BUT people had a lot to say about it. Mainly my mom's brothers and a few of my cousins. My ex also blasted me and said some really inappropriate things to our small children about it. Lots of mean things have been said about our relationship and "fast" re-marriages. I basically told everyone that if they can't support us they need to get out of our lives. I'm not about that negativity.

Congrats on your wedding tomorrow! I too am an older bride who was married for 20 years previously and was left for a younger woman.

when I started dating again, everyone had opinions. People who haven’t dated as adults have absolutely ZERO idea what it’s like.

I find it’s best to just ignore all the rude comments, as hard as it is.

best wishes.

View Quoted Comment Oh there must have been some confusion within the post. I’m not getting married tomorrow. either way it’s refreshing to hear from someone who has been through a similar situation. I would like to hear more about your after story.

View Quoted Comment My bad on the tomorrow thing. Sorry about that.

You were in that loveless relationship. not your family! they should be happy that you have found someone who pours as much love into you as you do him. i don't think you are rushing at all! 3 years isn't exactly a short amount of time. perhaps compared to the marriage you were just in, it is short. but you are HAPPY! and IN LOVE! he also love you unconditionally! that is a beautiful thing. don't let anyone stand in the way of your happiness.

I would, if you haven't, sit down for a heart to heart with them. bring your FH along for support if you wish but tell them straight up. This is the man you want to spend your life with and you dont see the point in waiting. Tell them you love them and want them to be a part of things but shouldnt have to deal with the drama. You're an adult and need to be able to live your life to make you happy. I realize that most of this is stuff that should be obvious but sometimes they need the reminder. Most of all, they need to be told that this is your life to live and you are not putting up with the drama. It is not their place to go against your life choices. Either they can be happy with or for you or you can keep them at a distance. It can seem harsh but reality is that you have to follow your heart and do what makes you happy.

I'm a younger bride, but I'd just like to say that I don't think you're moving too fast! You're much wiser and know exactly what you like and don't like because you've learned from your past. You're a grown woman who deserves nothing but happiness!

Thought I was the only one...lol I was married 23 yrs.. split up in mid 2015.. met my fh in Nov 2015 and we have been together every since. My mom has made multiple comments about him not giving me more than what I had in my marriage...lol idk what she thinks is more.. my brother gossiped around that I am desperate and moved into a new relationship too fast.. my bf said the same that I should have had some "me time" and lived alone and blah blah. But my FH and I have such a connection.. feelings I did not ever have with my ex. And I just wish people would see how happy we are together and how happy he makes me feel.. I told my dad a while back that they can stop worrying and wanting more for me because I am happy and all the things that mattered before like materialistic things don't matter. Just being with him is all I need. I call this relationship my grown up relationship being I got married soon as I turned 18 and popped out 3 kids in 5 yrs... things are different and I just don't care who likes "MY LIFE CHOICES" I'm am were I am happy and "HE" is where the my heart is. Congrats tomorrow... may your heart be happy and free of care of what others think.. we are too old to worry about crap like that anymore.

Did not mean congrats tomorrow.. meant congrats to more happiness... old lady brain..lol

I am SOOOO lucky! I'm getting married in a week for the first time at 60. YAY me! My FH was married for 22 years and has been divorced for 10-11 years. He has one 22 year old daughter who has accepted me completely. I refer to her as my "almost" daughter (not a "step") and she refers to me as "My Lorna". That is the one thing I don't have to worry about on the wedding day.... so sorry you are having issues with grown people who should know that life can and should bring happiness at all stages in life, Congratulations and many prayers for happiness on your day and beyond!

Its interesting when family, who have not walked in your shoes, can somehow know better than you. It sounds like you have learned and the experience and perspective helps you to know what is best for you. I left my XH if Feb of 2017 and divorce was final in July 2017. We had been together for 10 years before getting married and then married for 7, so 17 years. The last 5 were awful, the trying, drama, counseling. When I left I did not date or even consider it until Jan 2018. I got very clear on what was important to me and what I wanted. It sounds like you did as well. You have learned and grown. Others who have not walked in your shoes, or are in unhappy relationships either cannot relate or are afraid to. Draw the line when they get preachy. They can either be happy for your or they can go on their way forcing their opinions on others. LIfe is too short to be unhappy. Congrats to you both!

You all are awesome. You’ve made me find my motivation again. We’re trying hard to rebuild after two messy divorces. We have tight budget on our wedding and honeymoon but we figure something is better than nothing and as long as we’re together and have each other that’s all that matters!!! Best to all in your future endeavors and I can’t wait to hear and see all the beautiful stories of love from your wedding days!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. With weddings and family in general you have to learn to turn the other cheek. Their opinions are honestly just that THEIR opinions you can not live you life trying to please anyone. Hopefully they can out it aside and still attend but do not change the timeline of your life based on the opinions of others. DO what makes you happy, YOU only have one life to live.