Etiquette for inviting newborns/infants

Hi Lauren. I think it's OK to address the invite to "Mr. and Mrs." and let the new moms approach you on an individual basis. I had no problem getting a sitter for my 8 month old when Jeff and I were invited to a wedding but I would not have been comfortable leaving her as a newborn. I would have declined if not able to bring her if she was that young at the time.

Nothing is wrong with that my 15 year renewal will be adults only except our children and my two god daughters

That's really up to you if you want to allow them or not, but know that if you don't allow them, it'll be nearly impossible for those people to attend who have brand new babies and are nursing.

And what DumbleDora said is correct - new babies sleep most of the time. There were two 3-week-old babies at my wedding and I never even saw them awake.

Whenever it's possible, I think it's best to err on the side of making it easier for your guests to attend.

If they are super newborn- they probably won't come anyway- or will stay for the ceremony then leave.

New babies are probably going to sleep through the whole thing. I would address the invites to just the people you want to invite, but if a mom mentioned that she isn't comfortable with leaving her newborn that early, you will need to accept that that couple may not attend. I have 3 women with newborns coming to our wedding. We are planning on having a quiet, secluded area where they can nurse if they need to or if the babies need quiet. Didn't cost us extra and I would rather have them there for our big day than worry about a baby maybe crying.

I am in the same boat. Since our engagement, I know at least 10 or 12 ladies who are now pregnant (3 out of 3 of my BMs will be pregnant or have a newborn!!) Since we are having a DW, everyone including the newborn was invited, but several have said how happy they are to have a weekend away. Either way, I want to let them make the decision of what they feel comfortable doing- bring them or find other accommodations.

One of my BMs did ask if her MIL could come to the wedding to babysit her 2 year old. Negative. That was where I drew a line.

At 1 month old, the baby is still an extension of the mother, especially if she is breastfeeding. If you want the woman to come, it would be nice to allow her newborn as well however she may decide on her own to not attend or have someone watch her baby for a few hours or she and the baby are going to leave early.

How important is it for them to attend?

If you're okay with them declining, then say no babies. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that but understand they may not come. I wouldn't have come if my baby was a month old.

FH and I are pretty much in the same boat, and we ended up pregnant too and will have a newborn at our wedding, so since there are a lot of babies and kids in FH's friend group now we are just letting them come. It's really no big deal and newborns/infants sleep most of the time anyway.

I have several friends plus my twin sister and older brother that will have babies. My sister's baby will be less than 2 months and my brother's baby will be 6 months. We are putting a travel crib in the bridal suite for the babies. Aside from my 2 infant nieces, FH's sister's kids ages 3 and 6, are the only children who will be at the wedding for the ceremony only then off to the hotel with a sitter per FSIL's request.

For my friends and other family members, I've addressed their STD's and invites to the parents only and told them no children including babies other than immediate family in person/over the phone/text when asked. Some have said they plan to find a sitter or leave the baby with family while others have already said they probably won't make it.

Thanks so much everyone! Friends had said to make it a firm 'no children/babies' but I feel like my heart is telling me that I can't expect someone with a new baby to separate from them for the night. So this affirms that. Also just wasn't sure if there's an ettiquette around this.

I think what I will probably do is address the invites to just the two parents, and then we can discuss as needed - I'm close enough with all of them where I think they'd reach out to me. Plus that way I'm not specifically saying 'do' bring them, but leaving that door open as needed.

What do you think is the appropriate age to allow them to come (like at which point they still need to be attached to mom)? 0-3 months?

Sorry to sound so naive - Clearly I'm not a mom, and my friend group is just now starting to bring babies into the scene! Really appreciate your advice!

Most parents don't introduce any solid food until 6 months, and even after this, breastfeeding moms still breastfeed through the kid's first birthday. Most parents don't start weaning from breastfeeding until sometime between the first and second birthdays. After a year, the amount of time between breastfeedings increase because the kid is eating more "real food." I think since all babies and moms are on different feeding schedules, it's really hard to say what an appropriate age cutoff is. I think reaching out to your friends about what is or isn't possible for them is the best way for you to figure out what is appropriate for them. Just explain that it's a child-free wedding, but you recognize that it's unreasonable for babies to be separated from mom, especially when breastfeeding is involved. Ask what they need to do. Some may say they're working on pumping a lot to build their milk supply for a babysitter because they'd like a night out. Others may say they appreciate your flexibility and they'll want to bring the baby. Others who haven't had their babies, yet, may not be able to decide until after the birth. I know one couple who had their baby the week before a wedding. They attended the ceremony, while the mom's parents watched the baby...then they promptly left so they were not away from the baby for more than 30 minutes. Some of your friends with really close due dates may decide that they wont be up for going anywhere, with or without the baby, so it will be a non-issue for them.

What Samantha said.

I agree with approaching the newborn/infant on a case-by-case basis. I have many friends with babies/young kids. So far, none of them have had a problem coming to a wedding sans-baby. Even the moms who were still nursing. I even had a friend who went to a wedding, a week after she gave birth! Now, it was his best friend's wedding, they didn't stay past dinner, it was her 3rd child, and the kids were with grandmom so I would never expect a parent to do that but you should definitely leave it up to the parents to decide.

As for breast feeding, it depends on the individual baby how successful breastfeeding will be - mom may be supplementing or using formula right away, she may or may not be able to pump, even if she is able to pump, it may be too soon to introduce a bottle... so again, I think it's important to just let your friends decide and not make an arbitrary cut-off. Even if other guests aren't allowed to bring their kids, trust me - they will understand and not think it's weird or rude that there may be newborns/infants with their moms there.

I agree with Samantha - most moms with a baby over 6 months should be able to leave said baby with a caregiver for a few hours - MOST - you will need to make the call case - by - case and realize that a mom with a 3 week old baby may not put on pants for any reason, not even the wedding of a beloved friend, because well she just birthed a mini human that needs her for EVERYTHING.

Is there a place or within your budget to have a baby room..maybe someone responsible to oversee the baby room.

Honestly let them bring their newborns or do not expect them to come. You have no idea how hard it is to be away from your new baby especially if you are breastfeeding. I won't go to anything my kids are not invited to for the first year they are born. I only breastfeed and have had bad experiences even trying to go on date night for example my baby will scream for hours with out mommy. And that's not worth it. Plus wedding usually go into the night and past the infants bedtime which is when the infant needs its mom the MOST!

Honestly, if the baby is less than a month old, expect declines.. Childbirth takes a lot out of a woman and even though she may WANT to go, it just may not be physically possible.

Also, etiquette on "adult only" weddings is to not tell your guests its "adults only" just quietly pick and choose which children are invited and which aren't. The moment you say "adults only", and someone sees a baby (even though the baby won't be doing anything anyway), you will have hurt guests who have kids that weren't invited. So just don't invite the kids without saying "adults only, adults only...no kids no kids no kids no kids!!"

Didn't women used to pump their milk, leave it bottled in the fridge, explain the procedure to the babysitter, and say goodnight, here's our number, and call us if there's an emergency? Didn't many of those ladies look forward to the promise of a fancy evening out? Didn't they adore the idea of replacing their nursing bras and sweat pants with a cocktail dress, heels and jewelry? Didn't they get a manicure and spend a good amount of time applying the facial cosmetics? Didn't they consider getting some highlights in their hair for their first big social outing since the birth of the baby? Even if the new mother knew, in her heart of hearts, that she'd probably get to enjoy only four hours out of the six or seven available, was that enough to stop her from thinking about a few hours at the ball? Even if the couple couldn't stay until the conclusion of the reception, didn't they have a great time socializing, enjoying dinner, and a few dances?

If your new moms are local, this could certainly work for them -- if they're willing to do the prep work. The bigger question relates to those couples with infants who will travel to attend your wedding. It won't be as easy for them, and if mom is breast-feeding, it will almost be a near impossibility. So, the question is in your camp. Are you absolutely sold on a child-free wedding? If you are, you have the right to leave the issue of childcare with your guests. I know a lot of women believe that breastfeeding infants should be given a pass to a wedding. If you allow infants to attend, you do realize that you will probably have ten infants at your wedding, right? You'll also have parents of older children noticing the infants and wondering why their children, still breastfeeding, but not infants, were precluded.

I'm not about separating infants from their breastfeeding mothers. Life is all about stages -- you take the positives with the negatives (and the presence of healthy baby in a family trumps even the most glorious of weddings, even if it kind of sucks when that wedding, full of friends, cocktails, great food, and entertainment, is happening on a Saturday night and the parents can't attend because they are...parents). I'm also not about wishing that ten infants will sleep soundly during a wedding ceremony (you are so against the odds on that one). The wedding couple is absolutely entitled to have their music, ceremony, and vows undisturbed by the wails of a hungry, wet, or uncomfortable infant.

So, you have two choices. You can keep the wedding child-free -- as in, the invitation is addressed to the two parents only. They have to make a parental choice. Believe me, we had to decline quite a few killer events when I was a new mother because we were not willing to leave our baby with just anyone who was available to babysit (and -- don't shoot me -- it wasn't even an issue of breastfeeding for us, since I didn't breastfeed either of them. However, the good news is that neither child is, or ever has been, arrested, detained, or otherwise in need of therapy, lol. Both are good earners and tax paying citizens without bonding issues -- and they both really like me). If the grandparents weren't available, we declined the invitation (with true regret).

Beyond that, I had -- and still do -- an issue with a tender infant attending a wedding featuring music that is so loud you can feel it vibrating through your adult body, tons of drinking people who approach, touch, or kiss the baby, and brightly colored lights flashing. I honestly don't believe adult weddings and babies go together. But, as I said, that's my opinion. Your second choice is to allow nursing mothers to attend with their infants. If you do, PLEASE, have a quiet room for those mothers and infants to retire to in the event of an infant outburst. Also, make sure you have ushers who will immediately approach couples -- respectfully -- with screaming infants. They must be willing to escort the mother and baby (or father and baby) to the predetermined area.

How will you know who is nursing when you address your invitations? Well, the invitation to mom and dad will be the catalyst for a phone call from the parent ("We can bring the baby, right? He/She is nursing..."), or the respondents will arbitrarily add the baby to the RSVP card (in which case, you'll have to contact them -- and if you don't, they will show up with their infant). You are in no way to be judged because you don't want a screaming infant to be the background music for your ceremony.

The parents of infants at are one stage of life, and you are at another. Both are to be respected equally. I've been to screaming baby ceremonies. They are awful, and they irritate everyone (most of all, I assume, the bride and groom). A little respect for each stage of life goes a hell of along way.

I'm in the same boat! We decided to not have any babies and/or children at our wedding. We were very careful to address the invitations to Mr. and Mrs. Smith, or, Jen and David... etc. Also, on our RSVP part of our website, we included the following:

"Due to the intimate nature of our wedding, and the limited capacity of our venue, we kindly request no additional guests or children other than those invited. We hope you understand."

My wedding is a DW for majority of my guests, and I know traveling with a baby is tough. I already know 2 of my friends who will have or have a newborn can't make it because of this and I completely understand.