Engagement party etiquette?

This is what we are doing. I know it's not proper etiquette but we are having a destination wedding and we understand everyone won't be able to attend. Also, we aren't inviting parents friends since our wedding is family and close friends (30 people or less) and neither FH or I are very close with them so we told FMIL she could throw the party she wanted and her friends could be invited to this. (We didn't want a party in the first place but she made a huge deal about not inviting her friends to our wedding so this was our compromise. FH and I are paying for our own wedding and on a tight budget so it will be very small)

Are you inviting those friends and co workers from Florida? If so, then you can invite him to the engagement party even if they decline the invite.

But if you're not even extending an invitation I would skip the engagement party or any other party with them. Either invite them to the actual wedding knowing they may come but probably will decline or throw a reception down there for those friends who can't come to Michigan. But if you aren't inviting them to any wedding celebration, don't have an engagement party with them.

It's extremely rude to invite people to prewedding parties, including engagement parties, who are not invited to the wedding. This is an absolutely basic rule of etiquette, and if you break it you will look very bad mannered. I'm sure you are not OP, so don't leave that impression. If you aren't inviting anyone from Florida, no engagement parties in Florida.

You should still extend wedding invitations even if you know they can't come. It's very rude to flat out not invite people but ask them for gifts/money.

Thank you for the replies. I'd like to say, we are not asking for gifts or money from anyone. Nor do we expect it. I guess I'm confused as to why having a celebration with friends who cannot attend our wedding is so rude. But, I would like to understand if someone can explain a little better than it just being traditionally wrong. Thanks again!

Engagement parties are gift giving occasions, even though you dont specifically ask for them. So it can appear gift grabby, although not your intention, to invite them to an engagement party but not the wedding. Eta: Also, those invited to your engagement party will likely be anticipating an invite to the wedding.

Sure. So, engagement parties are not gift giving occasions so I think you are clear on that issue. Showers are gift giving occasions and that would definitely look gross and gift grabby. Engagement parties are asking guests to come celebrate the engagement and upcoming nuptials of the couple. Ask people to come and celebrate with you that you will be getting married when they are not invited to the wedding is very rude. Would you ask someone to come dress shopping who isn't invited? No, right? Because it dangles the prospect of a party in front of them that they are not allowed to attend. It's the same for an engagement party. You are basically saying to them "Come be happy for us becaue we are going to have this great party you aren't invited to!" Rude. What you can do with your friends is either have just a regular party beforehand or a party when you return. Does not have to be an engagement party, does not have to be a reception. It's just a party you are hosting. Just don't mention anything about the engagement or wedding on the invite and you are fine. You can host a great BBQ or taco bar night without it being about your wedding. If you want to have a reception when you get home, as mentioned above, you can do that too. Just make sure it is properly hosted (you pay for all food and drinks, and no self catering). You can also invite all the Florida people, as mentioned above, and then it is fine to have an engagement party in Florida. The only hang up is that you have to be prepared for all of them to accept, with any romantic partners for those in any sort of relationship other than totally casual. Does that help?

Edit: the difference between whether it is a gift giving occasion or not is the difference between custom and etiquette. Customarily, people dongive gifts at engagement parties. Etiquette does not require a gift, just as a gift is not required at a wedding. The recognition that guests WILL give gifts is good to keep in mind.

Well, first of all, there's the timing. Your wedding is being held in March, and your engagement party is being held shortly before that (even if it's being held next week). Unless you were engaged very recently, the engagement party seems like an afterthought -- a way to validate an event that celebrates your upcoming wedding. And, it is rude to invite people to a pre-wedding celebration and not invite them to the main event.

You chose to get married away from home. You chose to get married in Michigan. I'm not a huge fan of multiple wedding celebrations just because the couple believes everyone in multiple states wants to celebrate with them. If you're getting married hundred of miles away, that's the choice you made. I'm sure those who really care (in Florida) will bring you a gift after the fact.

If you really think your co-workers and friends will want to attend a celebration that refers to the wedding, but isn't the wedding, then have a celebration of marriage after the fact. You host it, you send the invitations, and you make sure you give these guests an experience that includes good food, good entertainment, and good drink.

The engagement party? Skip that. It has no place in what you're planning.

I have nothing to comment in terms of etiquette, but we are the opposite of you. FH and I live in Michigan (his family lives in the UP) and we are getting married in Florida near my family. Thats all! Happy wedding!

Are you assuming that none of your FL friends would come because it's so far away? I would probably travel that far for a close friend's wedding. Or did you want to invite them, but can't because of the size of your wedding?

1. It's in poor taste/rude to thrown your own engagement party, or any gift-giving party (whether you ask for gifts or not) in your own honor.

2. It is extremely rude to invite people to a wedding-related party and not extend a wedding invitation. If these are people you plan to invite to the wedding knowing they will decline, that is one thing, but they should absolutely NOT be on your engagement party guest list if they are not also on your wedding invitation guest list, period.

3. You chose to have a DW, you need to accept that and realize that people will choose whether or come or not, but you are the ones who chose to put the burden of travel on your guests, so you need to accept that and not try to "make up" for it with other parties.

4. You are extremely close to your wedding date for an engagement party. Those are typically done shortly after engagement or much further out than just a few short months. You are asking a LOT of guests to buy a gift now, then turn around and pay for travel to your wedding and all their wedding-related expenses (it costs a guest on average $1000 to attend a non-DW, 2-3x that for a DW!).

You should probably scrap the engagement party. It WILL come off as gift grabby (again, whether you ask for gifts or not) and if you invite those not invited to the wedding, it will also be incredibly rude.

Thank you everyone for the replies! It definitely clears things up for me! Just so everyone doesn't think this was an afterthought, we just got engaged last weekend. We didn't want a long engagement. Thanks again!

Thanks for taking the advice in stride. Stick around and change your avatar, there's a wealth of knowledge here.

My FILs threw us an engagement party and wanted to invite friends not invited to the wedding. We told them we thought this may cause problems down the road so they turned it into a multi-event party (engagement/birthday/end of summer BBQ) Maybe you could have it be a multi purpose party that way people don't feel excluded but you also don't have to worry about it as much

They can't attend your wedding... or you aren't inviting them, knowing they probably wouldn't come? There is a HUGE difference.

If you invite them, even if you know they will not attend, they can still be included in any pre-wedding celebration.