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September 2020

East coast vs west coast wedding

Deb, on November 20, 2019 at 11:09 PM Posted in Planning 0 7

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My daughter moved out to CA 8 years ago from PA. She recently became engaged to a man from CT who has also lived there for 8 years. She wants to get married on the west coast, even though both families are on east coast. Her father and I are footing the bill and feel we should have a say in the matter. Most of our family will not be able to attend if it is a west coast wedding due to the expense. We've suggested a compromise, in that she can get married there and we would have a small, intimate dinner with very immediate family. Reception would then be on east coast so all could attend. She is against that idea, saying that her west coast friends would miss out. I feel she is being very selfish. Btw, they are probably going to be moving back east within the next 2 years...thoughts?

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7 Comments

Latest activity by MOB So Cal, on November 21, 2019 at 10:02 AM

Devoted February 2020
Allyson · on November 20, 2019 at 11:44 PM
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It’s her wedding, she can be selfish. I do think that you’re allowed a say and a voice in the conversation, but ultimately, it is their wedding and I think that everyone should be supportive of the couples ultimate choice. They have a built a whole life where they live; 8 years is a long time.
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Champion December 2017
earias · on November 21, 2019 at 1:24 AM
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I'm not a fan of people giving money with strings attached. This is your daughter and her fiance's wedding. If they want to get married in CA, they probably have very good reasons to do so, one of them being they probably hope to limit the number of extended family who may come by having their wedding in CA. Plus, it is so much easier to plan a wedding where you live. This is their wedding and it makes sense they want to plan it where they live and doing so doesn't make them selfish. On the contrary, it could be said that your way of thinking borders on being selfish.
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Dedicated May 2021
Chanieish · on November 21, 2019 at 5:17 AM
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I agree with the PPs.

You are very generous for paying for your daughters wedding. But if you’d decide to give, please just give. Sure, you could suggest things to the couple, but it’s about them, not you, even though you are paying. I experienced this with my own parents (they are paying and wanted to invite 60+ of their friends to our 150 person wedding). We sat down and I expressed my concerns. They were reasonable and said that they were just excited and we were able to trim their list down to 30. Please be supportive of your daughter. It means the world to us.
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Master January 2015
null · on November 21, 2019 at 8:03 AM
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I agree with PP's. My parents offered to pay for a part of my wedding. We had already assumed we'd be paying for the whole wedding, but were thankful that they wanted to contribute towards the total cost. It was great at first, until my dad started demanding we have the ceremony at a totally different time for one guest, adding so many people that don't even know me to our guest list, and really just being controlling. I was more than willing to accommodate inviting some of their friends, but the intimate wedding I wanted quickly turned into a guest list of 150.
I finally told my dad that we appreciate the offer to help pay, but we would be declining his help financially so that we can have the wedding we wanted. He then realized he was being a little unreasonable and apologized telling me to do things how I wanted and he would still pay. Moral of the story is, if you want to be generous and pay for your daughters wedding, that's awesome but let it still be her wedding. Don't be the parent who says "I'm paying for my child's wedding, but only if they have it the way I want it".
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Super October 2019
W-K · on November 21, 2019 at 9:23 AM
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In my opinion giving money with strings attached isn't a gift. It's a bribe.
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Master May 2019
Cyndy · on November 21, 2019 at 9:42 AM
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I agree with others. It’s their day and they should have what they want. If giving money comes with strings then I wouldn’t take it if I were her. My so. Recently got married and I gave them quite a bit of money for their wedding and never opened my mouth other than to be supportive...WHY? Because it was their day and I wanted them to have exactly what they wanted even though many things were not what I would have liked.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on November 21, 2019 at 10:02 AM
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I think you and your H need to be clear about what you are offering your daughter and FSIL. Are you offering the gift of money to use however they see fit for their wedding or are you offering to pay for an event that meets your requirements? I don't think either is necessarily wrong, but they are two very different things and it's important everyone is very clear about what your offer is. We were the parents of the bride -- our only daughter. H and I talked about and agreed beforehand that what we were going to offer D and FSIL shortly after they got engaged was a lump sum that they could spend any way they wanted to: traditional wedding, elopment and awesome honeymoon, or to put the money toward a downpayment on their first home. They chose the wedding, but that was their choice and we supported whatever decisions they made regarding the wedding. If what you and H are willing to pay for is a wedding that will accommodate your families, I think that is your right, but I'd be very clear with D and FSIL, and be prepared for them to decline your offer and pay for the wedding they want. It is your money, so you have the right to choose how it is spent, but I think there will be much less stress and conflict if everyone involved understands any and all conditions. Good luck!
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