Dropping a bridesmaid? Do I? And how?

God I hate it when women jump to the "shes jealous" spiel. Not every women desires to get married. Give it a rest.

@Susan-how the fuck do you get jealousy from what the OP posted? Everyone else got that the BM is obviously busy, you get jealous? Okay then. Are you one of those people that assumes any woman talking to their partner is after them?

I'm confused that she needs a VISA and not just a passport? I would ask her directly about her travel plans and when she is going to book the ticket and let it go. Assume she will make it and if she doesn't, yes you're out of money, but you can probably cancel the hotel room and possibly even the hair/make-up.

@Megan, her BM is from South Africa. They need visas to get access to more countries than say, an American would. My husbands clients are in South Africa and his company had a global talent conference in America. He had to assist them all with getting visas to attend. Although it didn’t take 90 days, perhaps because it was work related. My friend from a South Africa needs a visa just to get a flight connection in London.

Sounds like she's jealous? What the ever loving fuck? Not everyone who doesn't want to talk weddings is jealous. I'm actually jealous of ops friend for living in South Africa.

Oh yeah she's so jealous. Puh-lease.

Sounds like she hasn't time to be jealous or bogged down with wedding talk.

I understand your frustration! I would attempt to speak to her again on a personal level and make sure nothing is going on and only ask about her genuine interest in being a bridesmaid. If she sounds interested, leave it at that a move on. If she doesn't have a dress or whatever you need that must be paid for by a certain date, then she will unfortunately be a guest.

So really bridesmaids are just friends that put on a dress the day of and represent "hey these are my cool friends that I want to stand up with me", it doesn't mean they have to talk wedding stuff or help you with decos. I rarely talk wedding stuff with all 3 of my BMs because I know they have other stuff to do and really most people just don't care that much about your wedding, even your best friends. It's usually just grandmas and moms that are as excited as you lol. Not to say you're a terrible person or anything, just trying to put it in perspective that she might just not want to talk wedding stuff and that's totally okay.... now if it comes times to buy dresses and she's not wanting to do that then maybe say "hey is everything good, do you still want to be in my wedding?" and also, if she doesn't get her Visa then she can't come and you would know then probably a month in advance and be able to tell your florist you need one less bouquet and stuff like that. You can't really fire bridesmaids so I would just carry on and tell her the dates and dresses stuff and if she doesn't buy her dress or get her visa then she just wont be able to do it and it's okay. Having uneven sides isn't a big deal. She might just be worried about finances or traveling.

I am from South Africa originally and left with my family 10 years ago to live in New Zealand because South Africa is in a terrible state. She has been wanting to move to NZ for a while now but needs the correct immigration points etc etc. She's not jealous of anything! she is working to get herself to the level where she can secure a job here in New Zealand. But an update: So I called her and we spoke about how I'm feeling and I asked why she hasn't turned up to dress fittings (they wanted a lady to make the dresses) and it turns out she doesn't like my MOH, so has been avoiding the dress fittings. Now we used to all be friends and I wasn't aware they had problems. I told her I love them both and that all I need from her is to try and sort out the dress she chose for the lady to make and she doesn't need any other communication with my MOH. She says she hasn't started the visa process yet because she is low on money at the moment and doesn't know when she can get it as she's just bought her tickets for a holiday to Vietnam next year. I asked her to just keep me in the know about what's going on, I explained that I dont need to talk wedding all the time but if there is something that is happening that could affect her being there I would like to know and maybe help if I can. So I'm just gonna be patient as that's all I can do at this stage.

To clear up some confusion My MOH and 1 bridesmaid are in South Africa. Two are in America (FH is American and we are settling in America hence the wedding being there) they chose to have dresses made there in South Africa, I gave them a color and length and asked them to choose how they go about getting the dresses but if they could please send me a sample of the color fabric so I could get it to my other 2 bridesmaids also.

I wouldn't drop her - but I'd tell her at this point you can't pay for her plane ticket. Not your fault she decided to wait until the last minute.

"Sounds like she's jealous. "

So much side-eye. Did you even read the post?

It sounds as if you are being a good friend, while still trying to figure out what is going on, so you are not out the money for the plane tickets and the accommodations. I would just make sure that if you buy the plane ticket, you get trip insurance. That way you are not out any money if she cant make it.

I am glad you were able to speak to her and clear some things up.

After reading all of this and OP's responses, nothing anywhere would give the impression that her friend is "jealous" Why do people always jump to that?

I don't think you would be a bad friend at all if you dropped her. When you are asked to be a bridesmaid you know that it includes taking on responsibility and not just an opportunity to be in a cute dress. If her life is too busy, she should not have agreed to be in the wedding. She can instead attend as a guest. I would give her an actual deadline. For example, tell her the dresses will be chosen by a specified date and if she hasn't reaches out to the MOH by a certain date you will be forced to assume that she would rather attend as a guest. This is especially the case since you are being kind enough to foot her entire bill.