Dropping a bridesmaid? Do I? And how?

It sounds like you need to talk to her about how you are feeling. Dropping a bridesmaid will definitely ruin the friendship so I'd think long and hard about it before pulling the trigger.

I have spoke to her about it on two occasions and she comes back with the same thing, "I'm sorry I promise I'll be more available next week when I've written my final or when this project is done" I'm at such a crosscroads. I'm worried at the last minute she is gonna say she can't make the trip or whatever as I am footing the bill for most of her stuff, like hair and makeup and accomodation and transport since I realise its a big trip to make.

7 months is a really long time for her to be too busy imo.Because she is a bridesmaid? And she needs a dress thag im paying for and a place to stay that I am paying for and visa that needs mine and FHs details and other stuff for the US consulate? Cause I'm gonna lose a lot of money if at the last minute she says she can't make it? How am I being a terrible friend? My MOH is frustrated and she doesn't show up for dress fittings and is not interested in discussing a bridal shower because she is busy. I too have a busy life, plan a wedding from 10000miles by yourself and you'll understand how stressful it is when your bridesmaid is not communicating anything with you!

You should be planning with your future significant other. The only "job" of a bridesmaid is to show up and sounds like she still has a decent amount of time to get her dress and visa. You should worry less about your wedding which is never going to matter as much to other people as it does to you and ask her how she is doing.

As long as she's committed to coming, chill. She doesn't need to talk about the wedding constantly. I don't think she'd let you down knowing you're paying for everything.

After years of being 10000miles apart I am planning this with a lot of people who love us.

I've read through this twice and I honestly can't see what she's doing to make you so upset. She's busy, but she's supportive of your marriage. It's not at all late for dresses or visas, and as an ex-pat myself I know visas are way easier to sort out after Christmas when everyone and their dog is at the embassy trying to arrange things. She sounds fine, really.

Yeah thats whats worries me that it's xmas and new year and things slow down at the consulate. Getting a visa from South Africa to USA is not quick. Waiting for an interview to get one granted from South Africa can take 3 months, after Xmas and new year that puts us one month out from the wedding. If it gets declined for whatever reason there won't be enough time for reapplication. Anyway, I'll just have to be patient and see what happens.

Definitely does not sound like you're being a terrible friend.

It also doesn't sound like she's taking getting a dress and making arrangments to get there very seriously. She probably has so much on her plate she doesn't realize that she's basically blowing you off.

I'd try to cut the talk about the wedding to the minimum. And you may have to really push her to talk about it.

Cutting her from being a bridesmaid is likely going to end the friendship. It's definitely a blow, even if the person wasn't taking it seriously. As a last resort if you try and explain that you really don't want to but she's leaving not much of a choice if she doesn't find time to communicate, maybe she will start hearing you.

I don't know much about getting Visa's or the time frame from dresses where you are but it seems as though you still have a bit of time before it's time to panic.

Her life does sound hectic!

Maybe she doesn't want to hear about the wedding. Honestly, I'd tell you I was too busy too if you kept bringing up wedding stuff. She has more than enough time to get a visa. Hell, she could put off her visa for another month and still be fine!

She's probably just irritated about your wedding chatter. People have other hobbies, priorities, and interests. If you want to talk about wedding planning talk to you FS.

Also, if you drop her as a bridesmaid be prepared to lose her as a friend. "Dropping" a bridesmaid because she won't listen to you talk about the wedding is a shitty reason to drop her.

You guys are making it sound like all I talk about is wedding stuff! I'm not that self focused of a person. Wow. We both have busy lives and live in different parts of the world, we talk like once a month maybe? And we talk about EVERYTHING. I mean the last conversation we had was about a trip she took for 3 weeks to Bali with a friend just recently, I mean we spent 2 hours talking about her trip and how much we miss each other as we haven't seen each other in 4 years. I just had a huge surgery and was in hospital for 5 days and all we did was talk about her. I'm not the only one frustrated with the situation, my MOH keeps asking me to talk to her because she won't reply to their messages (I'm talking weeks of not talking to them) I wish I had a way to accurately describe the situation.

It really sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with her. Let her know that it's important to you for her to be there but you want to make sure she's serious about coming. There's a lot for her to do with the visa and such, and that might be overwhelming her right now. If you guys talk about her a lot, it should be easy to bring up how she's feeling about the situation and if there's a problem of any kind. It will take patience and understanding on your part but if the problem is that she's too overwhelmed to be a part of the wedding, you may be able to come to some kind of mutual agreement for her to just be a guest. Not sure if that would mean you'd still be willing to pay for her travel, but it would be nice to since you previously offered. Its completely up to you. I do, however, agree that just telling her outright that she will not be a bridesmaid anymore would hurt your friendship. It's not an easy situation. Good luck!

Dropping her as a bridesmaid is a friendship ending move. Doing so damages the relationship. If you are such good friends why are you so willing to end a friendship?

You need to sit down and talk to her about your concerns. She hasn't done anything wrong. She said she's busy. I doubt she's lying. She has months to still get that visa, so she's fine in that aspect.

What hasn't she done for you that has you so concerned she isn't attending? Talk to you about wedding stuff? That's not a reason to end a friendship

Sometimes I get so busy with work that I can get really unresponsive to email. I think in January you should remind her that it can take 3 months for the Visa but I honestly think you should wait and see what happens. If she doesn't apply by February then you can have a discussion starting with , "so you might not get the Visa in time" and she what she says. If she's being unresponsive regarding your shower, who cares... not something she needs to be involved with. Regarding the dress, what do they need to do? select the same dress ? If so, they should be able to narrow it down to say three options, and email her and say please respond by x. If she doesn't, then I think they can proceed without her but once again, that's an opening for you to follow up and checkin with her to see if she's still ok with being in the wedding.

You are definitely talking about the wedding more than you think you are. You even mentioned that she was on vacation so she wasn't available to talk wedding things with you. Just relax. I know you're stressed about her not getting her visa on time and TBH I'd probably stress about that too. As others mentioned though she's probably waiting until January when travel season has died down. So take a deep breath and enjoy the holidays. Let your friends enjoy the holidays and lay off wedding talk. If mid January comes and she still hasn't done anything for the Visa, bring it up again.

Talk to her about the visa and the dress and then back off about the wedding. Make sure she knows how long it takes to get a visa and that you are stressed that she hasn't yet. Get her size information to order the dress (since you are paying for it) or give her the information to order it herself (if she will be paying for it). After that she comes or she doesn't. Don't let her procrastination delay ordering the other dresses. If she doesn't respond to e-mails her opinion becomes irrelevant.

I too read this a few times and I can’t understand why you’re so upset. “plan a wedding by yourself from 10000 miles away and you’ll understand how stressful it is when your bridesmaid is not communicating anything with you.” First of all, your BM should have no affect on planning *your* wedding, plan with your FH. Second of all, she IS communicating with you. Frequently. • “the only thing she will talk to me about is memories of our friendship and how lucky I am to be marrying my fiancé” Wow. What a terrible friend. • I may be overstepping here but I am an expat in Europe and one of my really good friends is from South Africa. She is an expat too. Her wedding (in SA), and she admitted this, was so not as important or as big of a deal as mine was to me. The first time I asked her when she got married, she said, “oh I don’t know, sometime in April.” They had a five minute ceremony and spent the rest of the night drinking and dancing. It was cheaper and more casual than any wedding I have ever been to in America. Add that to the fact that no one wants to talk about your wedding as much as you do. I don’t know what wedding things you need to discuss with her so bad, talk to your FH • the embassy is so annoying around Christmas time when everyone and their mom is trying to go somewhere. My same friend from South Africa frequently travels for work. There’s no way for her to get from our country (Ireland) back to South Africa for Christmas without having a connection. London requires she get a visa just to make a connection; some other city (maybe Amsterdam I forgot) does not require her get a visa. She is skipping London even though it’s cheaper and a shorter connection time because she said she cannot deal with the embassy around the holidays. Your friend will still have time after the holidays. It’s not a huge deal. • you’re saying work and school keep her busy. Yep, and it’s probably the end of the semester or quarter wherever she goes to school. That plus a job can make someone *extremely* stressed and frustrated and not want to talk about a wedding. • not sure what her vacation has to do with anything in the post. She’s allowed to go on vacation even if that means she can’t be reached to talk about your wedding. I turn my phone off most days on vacation and I definitely would in Bali. • BMs should narrow it down to a few options and reach out to her about the dresses. If she doesn’t respond by a certain date, she can be a guest. I’m not sure how she can show up for dress fittings if she lives in a different state? Also if she’s in South Africa, will she even make your shower? Also not a necessary thing to discuss if she’s not going to be there. It’s nice if your other BMs want to host it, but that doesn’t mean every single BM needs to be involved. • I would check in with after the holidays and inquire about the visa application. If then it seems like she’s truly not going to make it, then you can have a discussion with her and obviously, she can’t be a bridesmaid if she doesn’t have a visa so no kicking out required.

It sounds as though she’s a student. I have a friend who’s a part time student, a mom and has a part time job, she’s stressed to the max and has been for the past 4 months. If you’re friend has even some of that workload, I get it.

You can totally drop her as a BM but be prepared to drop her as a friend.

Susan- how on earth does that make her friend jealous? You know absolutely nothing about this girl and yet you decide to claim she's jealous? Sorry to break it to you but marriage isn't an accomplishment and some people are happy with their own lives and some even don't want to get married (gasp!). Sounds like her friend is just happy living her own fucking life. Also, it's incredibly annoying when a friend only wants to talk about their wedding.

Susan, she does not sound jealous. She sounds like she has a life and she is happily living it in a completely different county from the bride.