Drama over someone else's bachelorette party... (rant-ish)

Her exact words were, “Well, our FHs have been best friends since they were kids, so you and I will be in each other’s lives and we have to try to get along for them.” We basically have to accept the fact that we have very different personalities and we’ll be abrasive every now and again, but we have to suck it up. Great, right?! Not so much. FH and I invited them out to watch the Stanley Cup Final a couple of weeks after we got engaged; it was the first time we saw them since FH proposed to me. She was awful. She ignored everyone at the table (not just me and FH) and was downright unpleasant. She STILL has not congratulated us on our engagement and it’s been more than 2 months and we’ve seen them numerous times! FH thinks she’s jealous she’s not the only one engaged and people are asking about my wedding too. I’m inclined to agree, even though she got her several month period where she was the only one engaged – and it’s not like we even have the same group of friends, there’s only a little bit of overlap. Anyway, this is not behavior that I would expect from someone who was supposed to bury the hatchet. FH was offended and brought up the fact that she never congratulated us to his friend (all his own doing) and his friend said, “Well K never congratulated us.” Bull. They threw themselves an engagement party and I sure as hell congratulated them even though we hadn’t had our “talk” yet. FH called him out on this. Even if I HAD NOT congratulated them, how petty is this? Especially since everything was supposed to be okay between us!

All of the guys in our group play hockey together. All the girlfriends/fiancées have playfully dubbed ourselves “The Hockey Wives.” I’m a lot closer with L and S and the other girl is closer with M. The two of them hang out outside of hockey while L, S, and I all hang out. We all get along when we’re together though. Well, L told me this past weekend that she received an invite for the other girl’s bachelorette party and it made her uncomfortable. She doesn’t really know the other girl well and noticed that my name and S’s name were not on the email list, but M’s was. She casually asked if the other girl needed our emails. She said no. When L asked why, the response was, “Well, I don’t really hang out with them outside of hockey,” which L knew was a complete lie. If anyone sees this other girl more, it’s me because of our FHs. She and L will occasionally text, but even that has died away over the last couple of months. This made L even more uncomfortable. She knew the other girl was lying and she really didn’t want to spend $500-600 for a night out with no one she knew. She will not be going to the bachelorette party. She might have made it work if S and I had been invited, but that’s obviously not the case. L was very offended at the slight against me and S – especially since S has always only been pleasant and sweet to this girl and she’s been a part of the Hockey Wives group longer than L or M.

Anyway, my FH overheard the conversation and went ballistic. He never believed his friend’s fiancée was so rude (he doesn’t understand that Mean Girls never do anything to your face and only behind your back). He was so offended for me – which is sweet – but I wasn’t quite expecting the amount of his anger. I think part of it was that he was embarrassed because he’d been telling me for 3 years that she wasn’t mean or rude and I was probably exaggerating and he was finally able to bear witness to her brushing me off; made all the worse by the fact that she and I were supposed to be okay. FH thought I at the very least deserved a courtesy invite since he is the best man (this girl’s FH is also the best man in our wedding) and we see them almost every week, or at least every other week. I wasn’t really upset about not being invited, though I did think it was very rude given the fact that I never would have thought twice about inviting her to my own bachelorette party out of deference to the friendship between our FHs. She would have received an invite to mine and I would have been okay either way whether the accepted or not despite all that has gone on between us. To straight up not invite me does seem a bit rude, but FH was way more upset than me. I was more upset by the fact that she lied to L (which L agreed with and it put L in a very awkward position) and then, when confronted about how rude his FW was being, my FH’s friend said, “Well, she and K aren’t really friends.” No s**t Sherlock. On top of this, this is now a different excuse than what she gave L. She’s very two-faced and fits her stories and excuses to her audience. Anyway, I know FH is overreacting a little bit about this, and I’m not here complaining that I didn’t receive an invite (frankly, I couldn’t have afforded that expensive of a bachelorette party anyway), but this girl’s two-faced attitude has caused friction between FH and his friend and FH cannot wait to call her out on her rude behavior to her face. She can invite whomever she wants to her party, but to be so blatantly rude and randomly put a friend in an awkward situation is not okay. I think, in a situation like this where our FHs have been best friends since they were little and we’re supposed to be trying to work on our friendship, she should have at least extended a good will invite and not made up various excuses to hide her rudeness and play to the specific audience. I have calmed FH down some, but we’ll have to see what happens when they meet face-to-face.

While I do think that in terms of "burying the hatchet" she should have extended an invite- honestly- it sounds like she's just a toxic person. Agree to be civil in group settings and end it there. Forced friendships very rarely work and it doesn't seem like this girl is mature enough to actually BE a friend. Good luck!

ETA: i don't think your husbands should get involved. It's going to end up ruining their friendship.

I'm confused if you want advice at all or just ranting. I'm so sorry you're spending so much thought/energy on a "mean girl" but isn't that what mean girls want? Why would you want to be invited to her bachelorette party? Sounds like it's expensive, and that you don't like her very much... I'm confused what the problem is.

I understand why your FH is upset. This woman sounds like a nightmare. But honestly, it is none of his business who she invites to her party. I also understand how your friend feels caught in the middle and hates being lied to but if she has a problem she needs to talk to the bride. Unfortunately, you just have to understand that there are some awful people out there. Perhaps kill her with kindness and her attitude might change. Really though don't cause more drama then necessary. Sounds like she thrives on it.

Meh. Some people are just jerkwads. Looks like both of you are peering over each other's fences and getting offended at all the little things you don't like about one another. It's too bad that this biznatch will be a part of your FH's life forever, just kill her with kindness and never expect anything more than what she's given you so far. Seriously, with the track record you describe, why would you expect anything different than what she did about the bachelorette? At least everyone (most importantly your FH) now understands she's a hosebeast. Don't waste your time seething about her behavior. Just let it go and live your life.

E=mc2 This was sort of a rant ("rant-ish"); not really looking for advice, but I will take it if someone has it on how to deal with this type of person in this situation where I'm forced to be around her a lot! I'm just frustrated by this girl's immaturity. I don't really WANT to be invited to her bachelorette party (this post isn't about me whining because I didn't get an invite), I just think she has been pretty rude throughout the last several months when we were supposed to have "buried the hatchet" and it's now causing drama with our FHs. Her two-facedness is what is frustrating me the most.

Alright, so....here's my two cents.

Getting offended about who congratulated who on being engaged is a waste of energy. You didn't get engaged for the congratulations, right? I assume that this means that you think that she's not happy for you. And I understand why that would be upsetting, but it is what it is. You can't make someone be happy for you.

As for the parties? You guys aren't really friends by your own admission, right? Save the parties for your actual friends, not the people that you feel the need to be polite to. You shouldn't have to or want to spend your party with anyone who doesn't genuinely want to be there and is only there for appearance's sake. Yeah, I get it, you're going to be in each other's lives a lot, but you handle that like you handle the spouse of a relative that you don't like.

"Heyyyyy! So nice to see you! How are you doing?" and then keep it to surface conversations. I can't stand my husband's brother's wife and that's just how it is. We don't talk outside of when we actually see each other and we're "pleasant enough" when we see each other in person.

I find it fun y that it's petty that fh's friend brought up that you didn't congratulate them but FH brought it up first and that wasn't petty?

For what it's worth -

Sounds like you and this girl will not be friends, no biggie. What is concerning is that this situation is starting to drive a wedge between your FH and his friend. If you want my advice, I would stop communicating the drama to your FH. If he finds out on his own, ok. What I have seen in my own experiences is that the wives or SOs create such a wedge that the friendship is lost. If they come to that place it needs to be on their own volition.

On a side note, this all seems pretty petty. Everyone apparently recognizes this girl is rude and offbase. Just ignore her and move along about your business. She will eventually work herself out of the group, because people like that always have to start drama.

The positive thread here is that FH has your back. However, in this situation I think he should not get involved. You should try your best to keep your conversations with mean girl light and superficial, even in the Hockey Wives group. She did put your hockey friend in an awkward position and got a rise out of you and your FH, which is probably what she wanted. Don't waste any more energy worrying about her. She is an unfortunate person with whom you will need to interact. For the sake of your FH's friendship be kind but don your emotional armour when she's around

Disengage- disengage-disengage

you don't have to pet each other and braid each other's hair. Being civil in same same social circles is adequate.

move on- you're wasting precious moments of your life on a woman who thinks you're beneath her.

I'll leave you with this fabulous quote:

"Don't give the prick the satisfaction"

Heartbreak Ridge

Why are you trying so hard? Let it go, just be nice and respectful. You and your FH getting all in your feelings about this chick only fuels her fire. Kill her with kindness, don't try to be her friend, just be nice, say hello and keep it moving. No need to be best friends because your FH's are best friends. And she doesn't want to be your friend, it's evident, she didn't invite you to her bachelorette (and she doesn't have to).

(Edited for repetition)

Pezzy - What is petty is that I would never just not congratulate someone on a big moment ONLY because I thought they didn't congratulate me on my big event. This is what she's doing. She hasn't congratulated us because she thought I didn't congratulate her. That's pretty petty if you ask me.

ETA clarity

Why does it matter if she congratulates you? Say she does, it's pretty much assured to not be sincere. So why does it matter?

Janeen - We're over it an have accepted the fact that she will never congratulate us. It was just insulting because that's not what you do when you've "buried the hatchet." It took a lot for me to have that conversation w/ her and our FHs were happy it happened, but it's becoming apparent that everything she said was insincere and it's unfortunate because we're all going to have to deal with each other for a very long time.

It really doesn't matter who congratulates you or not. Really. It doesn't.

You're not owed excitement for your big day, period.

Be civil to the woman when in a public setting together, but you cannot make a friendship where there clearly is none. Don't invite her to your wedding events, don't invite her to

anything. She just happens to be your FH's Best Man's fiancee, nothing more.

Hang out with the people you're actually friends with, be polite to others in public, and ignore her.

Edit: Burying the hatchet doesn't mean she will suddenly fawn over you. I don't understand how saying congrats is even a term for agreeing to be civil with someone in public. If she continues to be a bitch ignore it, and if your FH gets pissed at her he can bring it up.

I agree with Janeen and Ally.

You're right. She could totally be intentionally not congratulating you out of spite. She could also be doing it because it doesn't cross her mind (honestly, sometimes it doesn't occur to me to say the words "congratulations"). Is it petty to ignore someone because you're mad about lack of attention? Yes. But it's also petty to be hung up on being congratulated.

I totally know the type of person you're talking about. But you know she's that type of person and there's very little that's going to change it. A lot of these issues are "how dare she not meet my expectations for how I should be treated" and it's legitimate to be hurt. But it's not a good idea expecting someone like that to change.

I think you both are looking way too much into this!

1. Who cares who congratulated who

2. Just because your FHs are best friends doesn't mean you have to be friends, just be civil

3. FH has about 3 friends hes been friends with since about 6 yrs old. I love their wives/ fiancés/ gfs but I NEVER would invite them to my bach. They aren't my friends.

4. I think both of you just need to get over it and move on

This is a very large overreaction. The girl sounds like shes in high school and sucks. Just say hi and move on to other people. I think you both need to be adults. It sounds like you have tried so just keep trying to be nice.

I don't even remember who congratulated me on my engagement or not. Just be civil whenever you are in her company and keep it moving.