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Super October 2020

Double standard friend

Fmv, on August 9, 2020 at 9:58 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 24

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Need some advice on what to do.
So one of oldest friends got married last year, and is getting divorced already-the guy cheated. She has since moved back to her parents house.

Fast forward to my wedding, she messaged me saying she cant come to my bridal shower(my shower will have 15 people) because her mom(we are 27) wont allow her to come due to her immune compromised issues. And that she hopes her mom will let her come to my wedding....okay fine i understand especially that shes compromised.
Well she quickly changed the topic and said she is planning on doing a burn the wedding dress photo shoot in September-which is only 1 week after my shower. Im invited and hopes i can come. Shes inviting 10+ girls, already stated she does not want to wear masks. The girl doing her makeup stated she will be freshly back from another state. When someone mentioned about wearing masks, my friend said she recently went to a pure romance party with alot of people and was fine.And reading the group chat im in, i honestly felt upset. She cant come to my shower or probably my wedding because of "her mom"...but shes gone to parties and will have a photo shoot with multiple people and is okay with someone doing her makeup that will be fresh from traveling.I just find it all like a double standard.
Do i have the right to ge upset? Do i reach out and ask her or confront her about it?

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24 Comments

Latest activity by Fmv, on August 10, 2020 at 11:42 AM

Legend June 2019
Melle · on August 9, 2020 at 10:08 PM
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That’s kind of annoying for sure and honestly I’ve run into this issue with my own friends. I learned that some people deem some things as ok and others as not and unfortunately we can’t make them feel comfortable with one thing over the other but you do have every right to be upset cause it is kind of upsetting since she’s excusing her own actions.
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Super September 2020
Leanne · on August 9, 2020 at 10:09 PM
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Ooooh yeah I’d be upset. ‘Maybe she’s in a bad place and not thinking clearly because of the divorce?
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Devoted July 2020
Christina · on August 9, 2020 at 10:09 PM
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I would be upset. Is she being fully honest about her mom ? Do you think she’s Jelous? Because I don’t get why her mom would be okay with the dress burning and not the bridal shower. I think your friend just doesn't want to be around bridal stuff because hers didn’t last that long.... just my thoughts but I would be upset
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Super October 2020
Fmv · on August 9, 2020 at 10:11 PM
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Thank you! I was hoping i wasnt over reacting. I guess im wondering do i message her and talk to her about it
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on August 9, 2020 at 10:11 PM
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You have the right to feel your feelings, but think about how hard it is to celebrate and be around someone whose love life is a complete success when hers so recently shattered. Try to be empathetic. I agree the immune compromised excuse was probably not the only reason. I also think it would be really painful for her to go to the wedding regardless, and that you should give her a pass on pre-wedding festivities. I also think that having her do a trash the dress could be really cathartic and healing for her. Be supportive. At the end of the day you're stressed by planning a wedding during covid, but that's a happy event. Having been cheated on I think you should be overly supportive.
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Super October 2020
Fmv · on August 9, 2020 at 10:13 PM
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I get divorce is depressing...but she definitely isnt in a bad place. How shes talking in the group chat of what shes going to wear lingerie wise for a photo shoot. Im sure shes down, but she cant be that down with her plans
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Super October 2020
Fmv · on August 9, 2020 at 10:15 PM
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I definitely see your point. But i dont think it has anything to do with wedding stuff she wont be around. She has another friend getting married and shes in the wedding. Shes attending that wedding, has been making bridal party gifts(she makes custom tumblrs) and everything. So shes definitely fine being around wedding talk.
I think she used her mom as an excuse and to put the blame on her mom and not her
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on August 9, 2020 at 10:18 PM
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She's distracting herself. Divorce is the second most psychologically stressful life event after death of a loved one. She's honestly allowed to be selfish right now. If she wears a dress and shows up, that's such a huge win for you. Your wedding is one day, let her take the time she needs. Ask her how she's doing without talking about your wedding. When it gets much closer, if you sense she's doing better, you can ask her about attending your wedding. I went through a divorce and you feel an unbelievable amount of shame embarrassment and a sense of failure for a while. Please be gentle with your friend.
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Super October 2020
Fmv · on August 9, 2020 at 10:18 PM
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I see your point BUT She has another friend getting married and shes in the wedding. Shes attending that wedding and going to pre wedding events, and has been making bridal party gifts(she makes custom tumblrs) and talking about that wedding.So shes definitely fine being around wedding talk and its definitely not painful for her since shes been talking to to me about that wedding and posting her diy things she made for it on social media.
As for being supportive. Ive been supportive from day one and have been there for her
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on August 9, 2020 at 10:20 PM
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I agree with the previous people that maybe it is hard for her to put her emotions aside to be happy for you but if she is attending another wedding and not yours you have a huge right to be upset. I mean even be upset at her excuses. I personally do not think you should not confront her because she will go on the defense and then it will cause a huge fight. I feel you are seeing a bit how she is as a friend when it comes to your important day. I personally would distance myself a bit and would not come to the burn the dress party. I feel if she does at some point want to talk to you then maybe let her know that it hurt she could not come to your event but was willing to attend another and host another. Is she coming to the wedding or is it just the bridal shower>
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Super October 2020
Fmv · on August 9, 2020 at 10:22 PM
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Thats the thing. I actually rarely bring up my wedding to her. We talk about alot of other things and i have been there for her when she needs to talk about the divorce.
So im expected to be there for her and attend her photo shoot but when i need her as a friend she shouldnt be at the biggest day of my life?
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Super October 2020
Fmv · on August 9, 2020 at 10:24 PM
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Thank you for commenting! I plan to distance myself. But i already know she wont see any issues with attending other events and not mine.
She already no to the shower and will have to let me know if her mom will allow her to come to my wedding. But the way she seemed when she said it. I can already tell she made up her mind on not coming to the actual wedding
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on August 9, 2020 at 10:27 PM
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Yeah then I would re-evaluate the friendship. I can admit there were times I was struggling with not being married and attending a friends wedding was hard but I went with a smile on my face because I knew I wanted to be a good friend to them so if she cannot do the same for you then Bye Felicia.
Now if she were quarantining all together I would get it because this pandemic suckily is a serious concern but I agree she can't go to some events and not your using that as the reason.
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on August 9, 2020 at 10:35 PM
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I'm talking just about the wedding shower and pre-wedding festivities. If she doesn't come to your wedding that really sucks. And I totally understand the frustration and disappointment. I can't explain why she's okay doing another brides pre-wedding festivities either. Is she IN your wedding? Or a guest?
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Super October 2020
Fmv · on August 9, 2020 at 10:37 PM
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She is a guest for my wedding. She one of my oldest friends from highschool. I also attended bother her shower and wedding last year
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Master October 2022
Jana · on August 9, 2020 at 10:40 PM
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You have every right to be upset. Some people unfortunately do not care or take things seriously with this pandemic. No one is immune to the virus. If it were me, I would decline the invite and end the friendship because of her selfish attitude. I'm pretty easygoing but the double standard would be a dealbreaker .
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Dedicated May 2021
Dawn · on August 9, 2020 at 10:41 PM
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She may be giving the excuses due to being so hurt over her divorce. After my divorce, there was no way I could attend a shower or wedding without getting super upset.
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Super October 2020
Fmv · on August 9, 2020 at 10:46 PM
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She is attending another friends wedding next year and is in that wedding. So she clearly has no issue with weddings
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VIP February 2020
Julie · on August 9, 2020 at 10:50 PM
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When you went to her events you weren't in the middle of a divorce. Your wedding is soon and she's still in the middle of it. She's not IN your wedding but she IS in the other wedding. That's why she's probably making the effort. And the wedding that she's a bridesmaid in is also a year away and gives her more time to heal.

Do what you need to do for you, but I don't think the facts are as black and white/cut and dry.
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on August 9, 2020 at 10:59 PM
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I agree with the PP. Just because she is having a trash the dress party and still smiles and has fun on the outside does not mean she is okay inside. Some people who are hurting the most put on the happiest fronts. If she just got married last year, it has only been a year since she was the center of these events preparing for her big day. Clearly her world has been ripped apart. She is likely attending another shower and wedding only because she was asked to be in the wedding party and is extremely close to that person. While it must be frustrating for you, offer her some grace, and enjoy your big day!
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