Does my husband pay all the bills?

It sounds like he doesn’t want to be held accountable for not paying rent on time, so he’s diverting attention off himself and onto you. Another thing I would wonder is if he is trying to avoid the conversation of exactly where his money is going if rent is his only responsibility. He may not want to have to account for what he’s doing/spending money on.

View Quoted Comment Omg Cece! Giiirl you might be on to something! Let me add that this morning he is now saying that his anger comes from in the beginning he said he only wanted to pay $2200 in rent. We went to see what $2200 gets us and even though it was in an area not so safe I kept my mouth shut because I knew he would be paying. He hated those places just as much as I did but I let him choose. When we had two options left the cheaper option that was 2400 had a small balcony and was by a convenient store. I did not mind that. But because he like big balcony’s and privacy he went with the option that was 2600. Now he is blaming me that we are in an apartment that cost more than what he originally said he could pay. As if I made us choose this as if he himself liked the apartment that was in his budget. I told him that I would pay the extra 200 to bring him down closer to his budget early on. But I never got the job I was supposed to get so that never happened. He is saying that he’s upset about that. But my thoughts are we’re still behind Whether or not I pay that extra 300 a month or not. I may be wrong for that part but I told him I would do that based off of some thing I thought was a short thing. I was just as distraught that it didn’t happen. But I feel like I make up for that 2-300 in so many other areas monetarily every month. I admit that I hate I could not do what I said I would do a year ago. (he also is right under the owner in his job and could do so much to elevate himself and make more. He just doesn’t)

You both need to sit down and have a serious talk about finances. That is one of the major issues that tears relationships and marriages apart. Followed by communication. If you need to have a therapist sit in as a mediator, then do that. But what you are describing is not healthy or equal.

To me this sounds like a bigger issue with him than just rent. Have you guys had a more recent conversation about who should pay which bills? Maybe it might be worth looking into a joint account for either only bills or only "fun" expenses that can be pulled from if that's something you guys would be comfortable with. I don't really think your question should be if it's fair that he's trying to bring up other costs when the topic is on rent, but more how can you guys get to a place where talking about finances doesn't turn defensive. If he's not actively seeing the bills you're paying every month it might be a bit easier for him to only focus on what he's got.

I agree with Cece that he could be avoiding where the money actually went. Either way, talking with a professional might help you guys work out what exactly it is about finances that gets so heated and try to talk things through without arguing.

View Quoted Comment I totally agree with you. I guess the only issue with a joint account is because I don’t bring in nearly as much as he does. So when we talk about a joint account he feels like it’s going to be mostly his money in there anyway. So I don’t think he’d be open to a joint account until it really becomes joint which means more of my funds are in there with his versus the majority being his. We are in couples therapy Though. Our next session isnt for another two weeks so I’m a little antsy lol

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That all makes sense! I know some couples like joint accounts and others don't. We don't have a joint account yet, but I think we'll be getting one for bills once we're married. We have the same situation where he makes quite a bit more (I'm also in a creative field and he's an engineer), but we get around that by splitting bills like 65-35 instead of 50-50. That's awesome that you guys are already in therapy though! I don't blame you for being antsy, but this will definitely be a good topic to bring up.

I agree with you and so does my husband he pays for everything I’m a stay at home mom and have side jobs and I will try and help too but 95% he carried the household I actually feel sad to know that he’s nit picking at you when he’s the one who messed up and if he’s not paying the rent what is he doing with the rent money things are so crazy right now work then rent should be his number one priority mine puts all the money in our joint account and I pay everything if bills stress him out maybe you can do that too so like I pay the bills I put the savings in the other bank and his 401k and then give him like a allowance but I hate saying that but we never fight since we started doing this I’m stronger when it comes to money management so I took over might work for you as well good luck

View Quoted Comment Thanks Tiffany! I’ve heard this too. I’ve heard that joint accounts lessen the amount of financial arguments.

View Quoted Comment Yes we have the cash app and I put his money on that card and that’s what he uses when I became a stay at home lol and homeschool our littles I tryed to give him all the bills and handling of money and he was stressed so I did what worked for us

He’s deflecting, lashing out bc the being late on rent made him feel some type of way. BUT the bottom line is, no matter how you’ve divided up bills, ultimately every marital bill is on you both (if the one who pays electric doesn’t and the lights get turned off, it affects you both!), so as much as he may not want to talk about it or not want to ask for help— that’s not an option! So definitely something worth hashing out at the next therapy session— sometimes just easier when there’s an impartial guide there with you!


I’m like you with money that is inconsistent and my husband makes way more. We’ve figured out a bill balance that works for us but I’ve had that “uh oh a little short!” moment.
An expansion on the above posts mentioning joint account chat— we actually operate our finances MOSTLY independently. I pay my bills out of my account, he pays his out of his, and I send him my portion of the rent. But, we also have a joint account with just a little bit of money in it. We both put a little in there from time to timeIf we have extra , or like tax return etc. Maybe it will eventually go towards extras for us like vacations, etc. …but it’s also a nice buffer to have. Actually recently I was waiting to get paid at the end of the month , when is usually contribute to our rent, but I didn’t want to come close to zeroing out my account, so I gave him the option of me paying late or him taking out of the joint account. He was fine to make the rent payment without my contribution, so I just contributed a few days late. But having that little extra money available in the middle I think made that all go a bit smoother!

I don't think it's fair of him to bring up past trips, purchases, etc. Those trips and things were in the past, I doubt he was forced to pay for them, and they aren't the issue at hand. You both agreed he would be responsible for paying rent, and at the end of the day, he didn't pay it. Some bills, grocery costs, gas, etc. can fluctuate, but rent is a constant, so he should know that he has to allocate enough to cover rent. Sometimes stuff happens, but he has to be honest about it rather than getting defensive and argumentative. Definitely a good discussion to have with your therapist when the time comes.

As for the joint account suggestion, I think it would be a good plan to have one just to toss in money to cover joint expenses, such as rent, bills, and groceries. That way you each know those expenses are being covered, are able to pull from any reserves if needed, and there's transparency over your joint expenditures. My FH and I opened one, and we're planning to each put in enough per month to cover our portion of our joint expenses, plus a bit extra to save up for whatever down the road. Anything extra either of us brings in goes to our individual accounts that we can each use to do whatever we want. I think it's the best way to have transparency, peace of mind, and still maintain some financial freedom.

Well, you've said it yourself that he in fact, does not pay all the bills. But the problem is, he thinks he does. In addition to that, he's holding past purchases/experiences against you. That means he is likely keeping a running list, which can lead to some serious resentment. I agree with all the previous posters, especially Paige. You guys should have an account that you contribute equal amounts to (or if there's a large disparity in the incomes, a percentage of your income instead) that is used for bills OR for going out. Not only that, but you definitely need to sit down and have him lay out in complete honesty his financial expectations. It's clear he thinks he is taking on most of the burden and based on what you said, that's a lie.

You definitely need to sit down and talk about your finances and responsibilities. However like the ladies up there said, I have an account, he has his account and we have an account together for the bills. I know what I have to put there and he knows what he has to add to it. You can always add more as money comes in, but he’s still responsible for his part, if it gets rough for him, y’all talk again and you see how to help. It’s just a communication issue, I am in charge of most of the bills and even tho I am responsible for it sometimes I get overwhelmed. So just talk to him, if you can’t maybe a professional third party could be involved.

My suggestion is to open a checking account with both names on the account to pool your money. Sit down together to pay bills or y'all decide who is going to pay the bills. (Hopefully the responsible one) You two are in a marriage together. Therefore, your finances should be together. Communication is also key. I have done both situations of splitting the bills with separate bank accounts, and one bank account to pay for everything. I prefer the later. You can both see what is coming in & out of the bank account. Then you setup a savings account to fund your trips. You both are contributing to everything. Good luck.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I did as well in a toxic marriage that lasted off and on for almost 4 decades. Yes, you read that correctly. My ex was self employed and so money was constantly changing except I had a stable job. This issue was always an achilles heel in our relationship. Keeping score is never healthy. Resentment breeds bitterness. That's a recipe for an unhealthy marriage. Please see if you can speak with someone to get to the bottom of the way he responds. I wish you all the best.

Could you guys start a joint account where a PORTION of each paycheck goes into it and that account is solely used to pay off bills then the rest of each paycheck goes into separate/personal accounts for each of you? This is definitely something that needs discussed and you both need to be completely open and honest about it.

Maybe create a spreadsheet so he has a visual of who is paying for what, and how much every month. He’s probably undermining what you’re actually spending on groceries etc. Then discuss redistributing the bills. Maybe you pay a portion of the rent and now he has to pay all the groceries. Also make a spreadsheet of recent vacations and who paid for what. He might still be angry when looking at the facts or he might realize his anger is unjust and see how much of your money that you’re contributing. Also suggest moving to a smaller/cheaper place if that’s possible and you’re comfortable with it.

No it is not bc he is not paying all the bills he is paying jus rent yes he may have paid for sum things and a few of ur trips but tht doesn't give him the right to sit there and try to throw it in ur face bc you are helping also so if he can't get wit the program then you jus need to let him cool down and then have a adult talk wit him because he is being very childish and u need to let him know like look we are a foundation we in this together there ain no i's y'all are a team if he can't get tht right then iny opinion I'm sorry to say but you don't need him I see u can do bad all by yourself but I understand u love him and couples fight but he can't keep throwing tht in ur face like tht will make the situation better bc it won't yoou are paying everything else and supply money for food the least he can do is make sure y'all have a roof over ur head thts it especially if it's jus rent he has to worry about

You're both adults and agree on who pay what and you guys are getting married soon y'all have to compromise and come together as one and it doesn't matter who does what as long as it gets done. Now if he can't cover the rent he need to be honest therefore you can go half or spot him for the month and next time he take care of it. If not sit down and handle the situation.

Okay so what I see deep down in him is that he is struggling and feels embarrassed that he is not able to pay the rent. He probably wants things to be better in his situation :-/.